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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Eiger.
Yeah, that is me. Cower at my glory.

Hi, I'm the Eiger, the most badass mountain in the Alps. I'd like to inform you about the awesomeness that is me.

My name[edit]

This motherfucker tried to climb me, but he had no luck.

As you probably, and definitely should already know, my name is the Eiger. Eiger is "ogre" in German. I know this stuff because I'm really smart. And don't you think the name fits me? I mean, an ogre is a huge, powerful giant creature that wrecks everything it sees. How apropos! I'm also a powerful, humongous fucking beast who kills everything that gets in its way. And, come on. If you're going to get in my way, you're so retarted that you deserve to be dead already.

The mountains around me have names too, but they're nowhere near as awesome. One of the mountains in my range is named Jungfrau. That means "virgin." Yeah, that's intimidating. People are going to respect you if you've climbed the virgin. Well, the Jungfrau can climb my pole. Trust me, I'm where it's at.

My reputation[edit]

I have quite a history of being one of the most treacherous mountains in the world. Actually, at least 64 climbers have died on my north face alone. That's a lot of people. Like, do you know anyone who has killed 64 people? The answer to that question is no. (Well, probably not, anyway.) And my north face has earned the nickname Nordwand. That means "death wall." That's an awesome nickname. But it's an even more awesome wall. My north face is totally fucking ninja, way more than the Jungfrau's. The Jungfrau's north face has a nickname too. It's Homosexuell. That means "gay." And the Jungfrau is totally gay.

Some stuff about me[edit]

  • My height: 13,025 ft. (That's pretty tall. Do you know anyone that tall? I think not.)
  • My prominence: 1,168 ft. (I'm quite prominent.)
  • My location: The Bernese Alps, 5.5 km from the Jungfrau (Thank god, the Jungfrau sucks.)
  • My first successful ascent: August 11, 1858
  • The first attempt at my awesome north face: 1934 (The guys died, dumbasses.)

In 1938 my north face was called "an obsession for the mentally deranged" by Alpine Journal editor Edward Lisle Strutt. I mean, sure, everyone is obsessed with me, but to try to climb me you must be mentally deranged.

See? that's me on the front, and some guy in the background.

I am infamous for the rockfalls that often occur on my north face in the summer. The rockfalls make my north face nearly unclimbable. I use them to kill the dumbasses who try to climb me in summer, so their asses don't get frozen.

I'm a subject of much legend and lore for my unclimbability. (Well, you already knew that.)

Other stuff about me[edit]

I starred in a movie that was about me. I had an amazing performance as the awesome mountain that kills people. Some say it's hard to act. I didn't act, I just was. And a lot of critics say I would have won an Oscar if it weren't for Clint Eastwood and George Fisher stinking up the screen with their James Bond wannabe performances.

An IMAX film was made about some guy I killed. There was a cool backdrop about his son and how he was inspired by his father's death, but it's mostly about me and my awesomeness.

There is an award named after me that is given to a person who climbs my north face every year. The award is shaped like me, and, contrary to popular belief, the people that watch the award reception want to hear about me instead of the lame-ass recipients.

I am slightly Anti-Semitic. Don't ask me why, I just am.