Electric Chair

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The electric chair, also known as the world's biggest microwave, is an execution device invented in 1765 by George Washington; henceforth known as ol' George. Yeah, That's it. Ol' George.

Although he originally intended it as a means of producing long-lasting erections, ol' George soon realized the device's deadly potential and began touring the colonies, executing uppity slaves and most of his own children.

The Chair Goes Public[edit]

Today's electric chairs.

In 1790, the state of Utah, deeply impressed by ol' George's work, amended its constitution to provide for execution by electrocution. The first man to die in the new electric chair was one George Washington, convicted of electrocuting uppity slaves and most of his own children.

"I do not fail to note," ol' George said as he was strapped into the oaken chair on April 17, 1790, "the inherent irony of my being executed in a device of my own creation. And I'm not talking about Alanis Morrisette irony. I'm talking about actual irony." Guards placed a ball gag into ol' George's mouth and, for no particular reason, put a red clown nose on his face.

The warden gave a signal - the phrase "Turn on the Fry Daddy!" - to the hunchbacked executioner, who cackled insanely as he flipped the switch. Some 200,000,000,000 volts of electricity to pour into ol' George's left testicle via a bell-shaped electrode. Ol' George jerked in the chair, screaming "Ooh, that tickles!" Tendrils of smoke rose from his groin and anus. Within five days, he was dead.

The Age of the Electric Chair had begun. In the next 215 years some 150 million US citizens (and 150 trillion citizens of Canada) would be executed in the electric chair, most victims of particularly brutal games of musical chairs. Today the electric chair is one of the best known symbols of the USA, alongside the Bald Eagle, the Big Mac and the shooting spree.

Famous Electric Chair Victims[edit]

Franklin enjoying some final minutes before the test.

Arguably the most famous victim of the electric chair was John Coffey, executed in the South in the 1930s for "coughin' up black shit and coppin' a feel off of Tom Hanks." The execution was well-attended; a film crew from the future filmed the event for the motion picture The Green Mile. The movie ran out of funding however, and all recorded footage was eventually used in the film Debbie Does Dallas.

Perhaps the second most famous person executed in the electric chair was Richard Nixon, former Democratic President of the United States. Contrary to popular belief, Nixon was executed not for Watergate but rather for butchering and eating Vice President Spiro Agnew.

Mass murderer Albert Fish was sentenced to die by electric chair on May 8, 1932, but was such a poor conductor that the execution failed and he had to be clubbed to death with the chair.

Pikachu, a famous Pokemon convicted of selling nuclear technology to CNN, was executed by electric chair on September 32nd, 2007 on Care Bear Island.

Shaggy, of the Scooby Doo crew, was toasted on June 2 1990 after mauling a nun and making a mess on the floor.

Other Victims of the dreaded Electric Chair[edit]

In the 1970s the electric chair was instrumental in eliminating the growing street-mime menace in Communist France.

Most people executed by the electric chair are Shock Victims.

The first environmentally conscious solar-powered electric chairs have been tested on lawyers in Texas, and will soon be approved for use on human beings.