Eli Roth

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“That Guy was cool as hell in Heroes!”

~ Captain Oblivious on mistaking Eli Roth for Sylar

“This guy is a fucking geek who rips off Saw. GET A FUCKING LIFE!”

~ James Wan on Eli Roth

“Sh'yeah, he's a professor. Of being a DOG!!!”

~ Eli Roth on Eli Roth's phat sack of weed
  • Inventor of Exploitation Cinema
  • Ruler of New Hollywood
  • Master and Controller of Demon Kaiju Quintin Tarantino

The First Expedition[edit]

Eli Roth, inventor, explorer, and stop-motion animator, was the first Hungarian to discover the Appalachian Mountains, and the horrible inbred cannibalistic freaks who live there. Using his quick thinking and a nearby Japanese Schoolgirl, he escaped his brutal murder and subsequent all-you-can-eat Eli Roth buffet by leaving three severed fingers and a Hi-8 Digital Camera behind, and thus, through the magic of DNA tracking and the judicious use of a really long string tied to the camera, brought his story back to the world, which, at the time was in dire need of a good torture movie. This was later made into a full length film, called "Arthur", and starring Dudley Moore. In which Roth played Arthur's love interest under the pseudonym "Liza Minnelli".

The Second Expedition[edit]

Headed by that Taj (Kumar) dude, who asks within the first ten minutes of the movie, "You mean we're being sent to find out what happened to the FIRST EXPEDITION??" and then everyone beats him up , the second expedition involved more naked hot chicks, but this time they had some kind of crazy-ass skin disease which totally infected all the Romanian gangsters, and Quentin Tarantino himself had to be called in to lay waste to the zombie armies, and then this big fish crawled out of the river, and Quentinator totally laid into it with these chainsaws, and you don't see what happens to him, but later in the movie, he shows up and saves the Americans from the psycho Russian guy, and I don't want to ruin anything for you, but Pam Greir is the Demon Kaiju Fish, and it gets really strange after that.

The Third Expedition[edit]

Twelve really good-looking white people go out to hunt a dinosaur, and... well, you know the rest.

Filmography[edit]

  • I Killed Hitler and Shot Him Repeatedly In the Fucking Face
  • Buckets of Foul Pus Spurting From Festering Stinking Wounds
  • Disgusting Atrocities Committed By Inbred Sex Perverts From The Hills
  • Violations I Have Witnessed
  • I Gave My Intestines To Save Your Daughter
  • Last Film On The Left
  • Horrible Things That can be Done to People While You Have Them Handcuffed to a Chair: Parts I, II, III, IV, and the collector's edition box set.
  • Even More Buckets Of Foul, Vile, Festering, Stinking Pus Issuing Forth In Puke-Inducing Torrents (IMAX)
  • The Old Man And The Sea
  • Brothel. (violence and saidstic mutilation for the first forty minutes but then loads of nudity, sex and partying in Slovachia)
Filmmakers of the World
Epic Visionaries

Michelangelo Antonioni | Ingmar Bergman | Peter Bogdanovich | Robert Bresson | Charlie Chaplin | Coen Brothers | Francis Ford Coppola | Cecil B. De Mille | Clint Eastwood | Federico Fellini | John Ford | D.W. Griffith | Alfred Hitchcock | Abbas Kiarostami | Sergio Leone | Martin Scorsese | Steven Spielberg | Andrei Tarkovsky | Orson Welles | James Cameron | Akira Kurosawa

Not-So-Epic Visionaries

Michael Bay | Uwe Boll | Tim Burton | Ken Burns | John Carpenter | Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer | Mel Gibson | Tom Green | Catherine Hardwicke | Spike Lee | George Lucas | Dolph Lundgren | McG | Michael Moore | Leonard Nimoy | Guy Ritchie | George Romero | Joel Schumacher | M. Night Shyamalan | Alan Smithee | Oliver Stone | Billy Bob Thornton | Tommy Wiseau | John Woo | Ed Wood | Rob Zombie | Nicholas Webster | Roger Corman

Highly Respected in France

Woody Allen | Darren Aronofsky | Mel Brooks | Sofia Coppola | Jean-Luc Godard | Jim Jarmusch | Charlie Kaufman | Jerry Lewis | David Lynch | Rob Schneider | Lars von Trier

Highly Confusing in Japan

Milos Forman | Terry Gilliam | Akira Kurosawa | Russ Meyer | Quentin Tarantino

Highly Disturbing in Mexico

Guillermo del Toro | Jared Hess

Highly Racist in Suid-Afrika

Neill Blomkamp

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