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Head them off at the pass!”

~ You on Canadians invading Elko
Satan ponders why God put Hell so close to Elko.


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Elko.
Get the picture?

Hookers! Hookers! Hookers! Famous for legal prostitution, ugly women (but pretty sheep), singing cowboys, corrupt government, gambling and drinking. Elko is the place for you!

Founded in 1906, Elko was a thriving city-state on the Gulf of Mexico, in the southeastern corner of Texas. Driven North by the Great Repression, Elko relocated to, what is now, present day Elko making it the largest city in the area. Until the Great Unification of Unamerica in 1986, Elko was the home to the largest population of retired American Vets outside of Florida. Elko is a key economic area of interest because of it's harvesting of Llama dung critical to biofuel used in various Space Shuttle launches.

Did you know…
The gay rape scene from Pulp Fiction was filmed in the basement of the Town Hall in Elko, Nevada.

When you arrive you will notice that Elko claims to be a community rich in history and laced with character. They also claim that there are so many things to see and do. Don't be fooled by this propaganda. You have two choices, drink and gamble or don't drink and gamble.

The city of Elko has never been seen with Natalee Holloway, by God. You can bet your money on that. Now stop bothering it with your cameras and interviews.

Points of interest in Elko[edit]

Beautiful, isn't it? That's because it's not in Elko
  • The Battered Woman's Shelter
  • The Levi Tuxedo
  • Ruby (insert any name here)
  • Tumbleweed Museum
  • That Big Ass Lady who serves cold eggs at the Commercial Casino
  • Cowboy asspoetry


There's no Ism like Tourism and Elko is no different. Elko features many prominent features which contain various prominent features of interest. Among such features are Cowboy Poetry! You've heard of that, right? No? Well, let me explain it to you. Think Cowboys. And Poetry! Get the picture!!

Oh sweetheart!

Local Flavor[edit]

If you drink enough Pecon Punches at the local Basque resturants, the prostitutes aren't THAT ugly. And they don't charge that much. Hell, a handjob is only about threefifty. Well, granted you get that in the back ally from the cook, but still...Does it really matter? It's peripheral to the story.


Elko is located at 0°0'0" North and 0°0'0" West of Hell.

According to the drunk on the corner, the city has a total area of about 100 square miles, give or take. Are you counting Carlin? They really aren't part of Elko, you know. Bunch of damn cowboys.


No thank you, we'll pass.