Ellen Page

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Gorgeous and beloved gem of cinema posing with Ellen Page
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Ellen Page.

“Why can't I just hug a woman with my legs in friendship?”

~ Ellen Page on Lesbian accusations.

“I hit MC's like I'm a lesbian.”

Ellen Page is an adorable Canadian dwarf, tree hugger, sex symbol, spare rib tickler, child, adolescent and indie icon. She is also an actress best known for her controversial role as pregnant teenager Juno in the anti-semitic comedy "Jew? No" (titled "Jude? Nah!" in Israel and "Juden? Nein! Nein! Nein!" in Germany). She has an abnromally large forehead which puts bread on the table now, as Jason Reitman pays her to let him use it as a runway for his private jet, if you know what I mean. She is probably a lesbian in the way that she is probably an actress.

Early Years[edit]

Ellen Page was born and bred in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. Her father, Jimmy Page, is a bass guitarist for "Page Against The Machine". Because Jimmy and his baby-momma toured with the band, Ellen had to raise herself. Pretending to have a family by expertly impersonating her parents, she transferred her ability to impersonate people to the stage. She gained fame in her high-school and college plays when, as her College Yearbook noted "She excels at becoming other people so much that I've often asked her out on dates and/or given her wedgies in the same ten-minute period".

Critics called her a "talented actress" but really she was a "paranoid schizophrenic". Despite that, with some hope and an ass that cried Mary, she wandered off one day and began acting in truck stops and in indie films. Then a certain Mr. Hollywood lulled her into his car with candy and kidnapped her and, let's just say, she developed Stockholm syndrome.


Ellen having raspy sex in Hard Candy
Ellen with once loved stripper and writer of Jew? No, Diablo Cody

Since she came to America the film that got her the most recognition was "Jew? No", about how a Jewish kid, Paulie Bleeker, has rubberless sexual intercourse with a girl named Juno (Page) and impregnates her. She aborts the baby because it's a Jew, as most women do. The rest of the plot is incoherent as Juno begins to overdo her usage of words like 'blog' and 'homeskillet'. All the teenage girls swooned over the film, mainly because a shirtless Taylor Lautner was in it.

Despite the film's bad press, the writer of "Jew? No", Diablo Cody (a poorly paid ex- and future stripper), and director Jason Reitman decided to release a sequel called "Hard Candy". In this film Juno has developed gender dysphoria and has cut her hair as only a man or a lesbian would. Still pissed off about the conception of the Jew baby, Juno decides to track down Paulie Bleeker and castrate him whilst poking fun at his circumsized penis by saying it looks like a 'misleading hard-on'.

Ellen's latest film is the Disney Channel blockbuster "Conception" featuring Leonardo Di Caprio (star of "Thai Tan? Ick!" and "Catch Me If You Can, Sir")

Personal Life[edit]

Having met on the set of "Lesbos On Skates" (also known as "Whip It Out, Ladies!") Ellen is currently married to notorious Hollywood bad girl Drew Barrymore. In an attempt to escape a likely death by Jews over the anti-semetism in "Hard Candy" and from the insatiable Eastern European paparazzi, the petite couple have moved into hiding. Even though they have often been seen in public, they are usually mistaken for elves and end up being constantly wished upon.