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The current opening titles
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Emmerdale.

Emmerdale is a British soap opera set in Yorkshire (we think). Little isolated village where everyone knows each other (and has banged each other at some point)

Has a prison that was introduced for a storyline, never mentioned before that, but its there.

Who's who?[edit]

The Dingles[edit]

  • Zak Dingle; also known as Jesus to the people of Burnley is a hip-hop star, last year he got to No.1 with his hit single "I aint no Hilbilly ya fool" He is known to be a professional Brian Blessed and Hagrid lookalike.
  • Shadrach Dingle; Useless drunk. Strongly resembles the Cowardly Lion.
  • Lisa Dingle; FHM High Street Honey 2007
  • Sam Dingle; born without a brain
  • Eli Dingle; escaped high security ape sanctuary in July 2006 to find Marlon. Shot Marlon during a robbery, boned a few family members. Alreet mayyyte?
  • Belle (End) Dingle; Loud mouth , very close to the family pigs, and looks like a mini version of Miley Slagrus
  • Chas Dingle; Local slapper. Has a bysexual son called Aaron.
  • Debbie Dingle; sells things on e-bay, addicted to cocaine. Last seen straddling Alan Turner.
  • Samson Dingle; Gets trolleyed and run over by a sightless woman.
  • Cain Dingle; Local hardman. Guilty of kidnap, robbery, grand theft auto, sabotage, attempted murder, and genocide. For some reason, the police haven't bothered to charge him.
  • Marlon Dingle, a chef, Marlon likes cooking, food is his friend, yum yum.
  • Charity Dingle,A local slapper,who's the mom of Debbie and Noah was married to Cain.

The Pollards[edit]

  • Eric Pollard; Emmerdale's answer to Ian Beale.
  • Val Pollard; the local bike. "Eee come and have a go lads"

The Kirks[edit]

  • Paddy Kirk, a vet, specky wanker, used to be married to that fatass off You've Been Framed. Is in deep dog muck after being caught at it with one of Jo Stiles goats
  • Orville Kirk, child snatcher
  • James T. Kirk. Sleeps with a shit load of fags.

The Sugdens[edit]

  • Diane Sugden, sister of the village bike, married to Jack, likes her bad lads. Shakes her head like a parkinsons victim.
  • Andy "Steroids" Sugden, 'Accidentally' killed his mum by setting her on fire and laughing for hours, didn't even try to piss on her. Shot his father thinking it was his brother, treats his girlfriend like dirt. Top guy, ya just gotta love him. Also beats crap out of his wife.
  • Victoria Sugden, was involved in an accident or two, assaulted ######## passer by with a canoe paddle, blew up the family home and bankrupted the family, but she didn't mean to so its OK. Also turned from ginger 9 year old, to black haired 14 year old in a week.

The Kings[edit]

  • Jimmy King, genius, love child of David James and the Pimms git, gay. Accidentally blew up a house and killed three people, but he didn't mean to so it's OK. Slept with Eli on Edna Birchs coffee table. Played hide the sausage with his sister's mum, ############ motherfucker.
  • Carl King, dwarf, prostitute, gay. Also prone to mistakes, usually killing people, like the postman and his dad, but he didn't mean to so its OK. Left family company, now gives handjobs to Big Papi DaSouza for a living.
  • Matthew King, prima ballerina, gay. A nice friendly businessman who you'd never hear a bad word off. Never ever looks as though he's giving birth to a pine cone. Can play the accordion with his buttocks.
  • Wan and Fu King, Chinese conjoined twins.
  • Lexi Kingolls, crazy hair, crazy... guy
  • Scarlett Kingolls, genius. Her Auntie is her sister, her mother rode her brother. In front of her.

A few random (Randy) pensioners[edit]

  • Betty Eagleton, the hip-hop star who is challenging Zak, she also makes hot pots in Coronation Street, likes going nude into the Woolpack when doing her cleaning shift (flapjack tits help to sweep the floor). Knows eveything about everyone.
  • Edna Birch, the most attractive person in the village, ########. Porn Star who's credits include ...
  • Alan Turner, died in late 2007 of anorexia.
  • Pearl Ladderbanks, rapist. Isn't she the one off Come Outside?
  • Lily Butterfield, otherwise known as Madge from Neighbours, grows her own skunk, sister of Edna 'the MILF' Birch.

The Hopes and The Windsors[edit]

  • Donna Windsor, committed suicide, second wife of Marlon Dingle, mother of April Windsor.
  • Viv Hope, ex-prozzie, sleeps with the village idiot. Gave birth to twins while aged 78. Went to prison for stealing money off retards, honestly.
  • Bob Hope, the village idiot, is about as funny as the other Bob Hope..
  • Jamie "Lee Hunter" Hope, son of the village idiot, bones elderly Australians, wears women's clothes and is gay.
  • Scott Windsor, rapist.
  • Kelly Windsor, married to Roy Glover from 1999 to 2000, had an affair with her adoptive brother, Scott.

The Thomases[edit]

  • Ashley Thomas, the town's resident Satan worshipper and paedophile.
  • Laurel Thomas, looks like Emily, used have a co-star, Hardy
  • Jasmine Thomas, writes for the local newspaper, "The Hellshire Courier". Sucks dicks for village gossip to sell to the press.
  • Sandy Thomas, also known as "Randy Sandy Thomas" to the boxing world, knocking off Betty. Ashley's father.

The Wyldes/Lambs[edit]

  • Mark Wylde/Daniel Lamb, Married Faye, faked his death, married Natasha and now she knows!
  • Natasha Wylde, POSH (thats enough)
  • Nathan Wylde, POSH
  • Maisie Wylde, POSH
  • Will Wylde, poor kid
  • Faye Lamb, Firecracker, play the silly scot in Princess Dairies 2.
  • Ryan Lamb, ITS JOHN PAUL MCQUEEN! Aren't you supposed to be in Dublin with Craig? Does he know that he's gay yet?

Jackass Sugden#s death[edit]

Clive Horby (played by Jack Sugden) left Emmerdale in February 2008, but nobody gave a shit. He died in July 2008, but his family only found out about this in February 2009, due to them being included in too many shit storylines.

Notable storylines[edit]

  • Jimmy King accidentally blowing up a house
  • Carl King accidentally killing two people
  • Matthew King accidentally nearly killing Rosemary King
  • Max King accidentally being killed after accidentally killing a load of sheep
  • Tom King accidentally ########## with his dying wife's nurse
  • Moron Dingle getting accidentally shot
  • Victoria accidentally burning a house to the ground
  • Jasmine Thomas accidentally killing copper Shane
  • Matthew King accidentally crashing while trying to mow down his brother
  • Sam Dingle's transformation from brainless idiot, to master criminal overnight, getting involved with drug running, child abuse, armed robbery, arson and sheep buggery.
  • Daz accidentally sexually abusing Victoria. Who he considers to be a sister.

Memorable Quotes[edit]

  • "1,2,3,4, let me hear you scream if you want some more, like uhhhh, push it push it, watch me work it, I'm perfect!" - Tom King
  • "Strong drink is the work of the devil"- Shadrach.
  • "Soberiety is the only way" - Shadrach.
  • "I killed dad" Carl King
  • "It costs a fivah' just to touch that love" - Viv Hope.
  • "It weren't on purpose Mr Greengrass" - David from the next village.
  • "What's a quote?" - Sam Dingle
  • "We're walking in the aiiiiiiiiiiiiir"Belle (end) Dingle
  • "Ohhh Matthew, oh yeah Matthew, yeah, yeah..." - Matthew King
  • "I'm not funny" - Bob Hope
  • "Wassup, niggaz, checka checka ya" - Edna Birch
  • "Me and Edna have totally been lezzing each other up." - Betty Eagleton
  • "I want to live like common people, I want to do whatever common people do, I want to sleep with common people, I want to sleep with common people like you!" - Nathan Wylde
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