HowTo:Be a Loyal Employee
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Work. That glorious endeavor that takes up about 8 hours of your day every day, unless if you're a politician, in which case it's more like 10 minutes. The glorious knowledge that you are a part of something much bigger and more important than yourself, like a stamp collecting organization. If you're like most people, and I'm assuming you are, you'd like to know how to improve your performance on the job. You want to know how to make yourself a faithful, helpful employee as possible, so your company will benefit from your productivity. If you follow the steps in this carefully assembled guide to employee efficiency, you might just become the most efficient employee in history. And who knows, your boss might be so loyal to you when you finally retire at 97, he could give you a complimentary donut. Or, if you're really lucky...a coffee mug!
Love your boss
Nothing says "I'm a good employee" more than telling your boss that he or she (a female boss? HA! That almost implies that women should have equal rights!) means a lot to you. That means compliments, and lots of them. Congratulate your boss on all achievements, even if it's something like filling a glass of water or using the bathroom. If your boss seems creeped out by you following him around and praising everything he does, that's just because he's embarrassed to admit his great pride in you. Continue to praise him. It is also advisable to follow your boss outside the workplace (such as when he's on vacation, sleeping, taking showers, etc.) and to constantly bombard him with loud praise about his brilliance and power. If he pulls a gun on you, be sure to praise him for his intelligent, level-headed way of defending himself as he shoots you into oblivion.
Only purchase your company's items
One of the best ways to show an undying passion for the company you work for is to only buy that company's products. So, be sure to stay loyal to the company you work for. Don't buy anything produced by other businesses. Not even food. You should be able to make a living buying only your company's products. If your company makes postage stamps, the only thing you should be buying is postage stamps. You should be eating them and sleeping on a bed of them. Any purchase of an item, no matter how small, that wasn't produced by your company is a disgracefully disloyal action. If you've ever bought food not made by the company you work for, you might as well kill yourself now, you slimy traitor.
If you really loved the company you work for, you'd work for them without pay. If anything, you should be paying them for the privelege of letting you work for such a fine establishment and bringing meaning to your otherwise mediocre and purposeless life! Therefore, the next time your boss offers you a paycheck, give it back to him, along with some of your own pocket change. Make weekly payments to your boss. He'll love you for it. Of course, it might be a bit difficult to live without a wage. But your employer cares about you, and in the event that you're kicked out of your apartment and end up starving in the street, you can be confident that your boss will step up, shrug, and hire someone else!
Concentrate on work at all times
Do not allow yourself to be distracted by such petty needs as the need for amusement, food, or sleep. Think of all the time you waste every night, lying in bed, dreaming! When you're dreaming, you aren't contributing anything to your workplace or to our economy! Every minute you spend sleeping is a loss for your company. Therefore, stay in your office cubicle at all times. Do not eat. Do not stand up from your chair. If you feel you might be tempted to distract yourself for even an instant to scratch an itch or to yawn, you need help from a third party. It might be advisable to hire an armed security guard to shock you with a taser every time you do anything not strictly related to typing meaningless numbers into a computer all day. Your productivity will go way up, that is, until you collapse.
Give everything to your boss
Look around you. I imagine that you are currently sitting inside a residential establishment of some sort. Perhaps an apartment? Maybe even a house? Now think of all the good your home would do in the hands of your boss. It could boost the company's productivity by at least half a percent! Yet here you are, selfishly sitting in your home when you could be donating to your company! One of the biggest measures you can take to help your employers out is to give them everything you own. You don't need that house you're living in! You can live out in the street! Your boss could turn that house into an office, a lounge or perhaps a small cafeteria! Think of the tremendous difference it would make in the experienced, divine hands of your boss! And while you're at it, look at your pets. Your bed. Your clothes. All of the objects that your life is built on. These objects could be boosting the productivity of your company as we speak. GIVE THEM ALL TO YOUR COMPANY!
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "My wife would never let me give away all our stuff!" Well, you know what I say to that? You don't need her either! She would be much more useful in the hands your Godly boss, who could use her as a sex slave! It would boost his concentration, which would boost productivity, and probably increase the stock prices of your company! And what about your kids? Do you really need such cumbersome little pests, always demanding such unreasonable things such as food and love? They could be slaving away in mines, digging up raw materials to make flashlights and can openers and boost your company's influence in the business world! Give them to your boss!
Eliminate the competition!
If there's anything you can learn from your father, that is, the company you work for, it's how to deal with competition. The answer is obvious. ANNIHILATION. Look around you, at all your work friends. Sure, they might act nice to you. Sure, they might say good morning to you every day, play poker with you on weekends, bring some warmth and love into your otherwise cold and painful existence. But that's all an act. In reality, they are nothing but competitors. They are trying to outshine you. They are plotting to tell all kinds of vicious lies to your boss about you, so you'll be fired. You must become a killing machine if you're to advance in your career, and eliminate these traitors who don't really care at all about the glorious Company. The best way to do this is to poison their food and kill them quickly, although there is also some advantage to capturing them and torturing them for their secrets on how they manage to be productive. You could use the secrets to further your own position, and to help the company of course. If the boss asks you why they were killed, just tell him they were traitors, and that you are willing to work until you drop dead to make up for their absense. If he acts shocked and horrified, it's only because he's pleasantly surprised to know how much you love him. It's happy shock.
Be a martyr
Nothing says "I love you, company!" better than ending your own life. Look at all the rival companies there are out there. There are loads of competing companies who claim that their lightswitches are somehow better than yours! This is inexcusable. Now look at yourself. Frail, thin, working yourself into exhaustion. You'll probably die soon anyway. So why not give your life for a worthy cause? It's fairly simple, all you have to do is head to the nearest rival factory and blow yourself up, possibly destroying an ounce or two of easily replaceable machinery in the process. You'll be an hero. You'll have died for something that truly matters. Be sure in your will to leave all your remaining body parts to the company. They could perhaps turn your shattered bones into a new brand of toilet bowl.
Only a truly loyal employee would kill himself for the good of his boss. Your boss will fondly remember you for at least a week, and you might even win employee of the month. Which is totally worth it.