End of Earth

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The end of the world is coming.[1]

This is not the usual religious attempt to curry favour[2] and believers by telling them that soon the End of Earth will be here and everyone who can count to 21 without using someone else's hands will burn in hell until someone reinvents the fire extinguisher --- or has a bucket full of wet fish handy.

Instead, this is all taken from the ancient "Book of Shao Liniment", a tome written by a Chinese sage suffering from severe life elixir poisoning.


The Book of Shao Liniment[edit]

This ancient treatise lists several signs that the apocalypse will be coming, and here are three of the living signs:

  1. The Privileged Ape --- the How Age (me hungry -- where food?)
  2. The Rubbish Punkband --- the Why Age (Hey, why am I hungry?)
  3. The Eater of Crocodiles --- the Where Age (Where should we go for dinner?[3])

How Shao Liniment knew that a "musical" form known as punk would be invented is not known, but the three live signs have been conclusively identified as George W Bush, Simple Plan and Steve Irwin, respectively. --- although Lucy Lu was considered for best actress at the Oscars.

Other Signs the End is Nigh[edit]

  1. The Melting of the Frozen Desert
  2. The Election of the Privileged Ape
  3. The Death of Funny TV Shows *sob*
  4. The Birth of Killhamster of the Encyclopaedia Dramatica
  5. The Fall of the Curtain of Iron
  6. The Flight of the Dolphins ---- why didn't we ever listen to them?!?
  7. The Burning of the Golden Houses
  8. Someone actually reading this --- god forbid!

What to do[edit]

If you have read this far, you are no doubt wondering how to get out of this predicament. Short answer: You can't, unless your name is Arthur Dent. IN the case that your name is Arthur Dent, listen carefully to what Ford has to say. If you don't know a Ford Prefect (no, it is not a typo, do not go looking for Word Perfect or some other such nonsense), you are in the deep shit.

For those of us poor sods whose close friends are not aliens, just lie down with a paper bag over your head. It may help if you get roaring drunk first, as then you at least know you don't have to worry about the morning after.

Personally, as Armageddon is coming, Arm-a-geddon out of here.

Disclaimer[edit]

If the end of the world does not come soon, the Uncyclopaedia, the Knowledge Pixie and the US Government take no responsibility for any necessary or unnecessary panic, doomsayers or evil geniuses turning up to exploit the apocalypse. Blame Simple Plan, the British Government, and Home and Away for causing this. I mean, if someone has to be shot, it might as well be the grunting apes running for election. God is going to rule them just like Jesus did.

Footnotes[edit]

  1. No, not that way! God! Get your mind out of the gutter! Golly gosh!
  2. Or is that curry flavour? Hmmm I can never get that one right.
  3. If you are a frequent intergalactic space traveller, feel free to present this docket to The Restaurant AT the End of the Universe, for a free meal on us, Uncyclopedia -- where everyone is a movie star!
The End of Everything
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