Only the strongest, most bad ass mutha fuckas will survive -George W. Bush
What ho! I'm Arthur Ballamhurst Fortesque-Smythe, 15th Earl of Ravenspur-Upon-Humber, but you can call Me 'Mama Luigi '. I'm the President of the Royal Geographical Society, don'tcherknow. I'm something of an expert in endangered species, havin' endangered several of 'em meself. Have you ever heard of the nail-tailed wallaby? Just about wiped it out single handed. Could have finished it off if I'd been sober, but that Queensland rum will really take it out of a fellow.
- 1 Endangered Species
- 2 Extinct and Endangered Species, and who endangered them
- 3 Some Animals Who Are A Danger To Themselves
Now where was I? Oh, yes; endangered species. Now the Good Lord, in his infinite wisdom, chose to make certain species far too tasty for their own good. Some species he made easy targets; others he made to breed too slowly to recover when you throw grenades in their breeding grounds for a wheeze. Perhaps it seems a little cruel for the Almighty to make things that couldn't last, but I for one can hardly argue with the fellow. Don't speak Hebrew for a start; and though his English is improving, he has the most dreadful accent. It's painful to listen to him sometimes, so I leave all that stuff for my colleague, Very Rev. Dr. Pifflington, DD.
Anyway, some species become extinct, for one reason or another. Others seem to hang on by their fingernails for a while, and these are the endangered species. Personally, I don't see the point in that; it just prolongs their pain. That's what Father said, when he put down my border collie when it got that slight ear infection, and I expect he knew what he was doing. Granted, the judge did call him a twisted sadistical maniac, but he was just a bit put out because father had run over his cat because it had a sniffle. And you know what they say about men who own cats.
Where was I? Oh, yes, some species tend to hang on, taking up much needed space that could be used for rugby fields. Now, some chappies seem a little miffed about animals being endangered, or even wiped out. Can't see it meself. I mean, there's plenty more species where they come from, aren't there? And that Darwin chappie is always making more. Or is that Dr. Moreau? Yes, it's Moreau who makes new animals, Darwin was the fish off of SeaQuest.
Governments have increasingly enacted laws to protect endangered species, such as limiting pollution or the destruction of natural habitats. Well, it seems to me, if they want more space, why not permit the hunting of the poor and elderly? Then we could knock down their council houses and nursing homes to make sanctuaries for the wall-eyed fosscock or the blue whale or what have you.
Extinct and Endangered Species, and who endangered them
The extinction of this large, ungainly bird is often credited to rats or pigs. However, history clearly shows that these giant dishmops were wiped out by a Portuguese bird-puncher named Dom Pedro de Alvarez. Now, it as to be said that I consider wiping our flightless birds by repeatedly punching them in the face to be a trifle unsporting, but that's the Portugee for you. Not a gentleman in the whole demned country.
The Loggerhead Sea-Turtle
Endangerin' turtle's is a tricky business. Shells, y'know. Bad business. You can open 'em up with crowbars, but it takes to long to do any proper endangering. So when an American fellow by the name of Jenkin P. Sackerville decided that the local turtles were getting 'uppity', he hit upon a nice little trick - burying landmines on the turtles' breeding beaches. Brilliant, eh?
Ah, now this is one of mine. The Williamson's Osprey is an unpleasant tasting animal which lives in economically useless areas and has no natural predators. 'We'll see about this,' said I and made my way to its habitat with some rifles, shotguns and a keg of gunpowder. I won't say it was easy - it took me nearly two years - but finally I had the blighters on the brink of extinction. I didn't have the chance to completely finish them off, because the rainy season started and many of my bearers started coming down with athlete's foot. Next year, though. Next year!
Some Animals Who Are A Danger To Themselves
The Jet Propelled Beaver
A species native to Canada, this perishing little blighter has evolved the ability to propel itself at high speed along river estuaries in search of timber. However this evolutionary miracle also appears to have led to its downfall, owing to a lack of any form of braking facility.This means that the species, instead of felling trees to construct dams with, tends to spend much of its time lamping itself on them.
The Harpenden Hydraulic Hamster
Another example of Darwinian evolution having a quiet giggle can be found with this cuddly little bugger. For reasons, best known to itself, this animal has chosen to evolve pistons in the place of legs. As a result it is unable to travel any great distance, though it does go up and down rather a lot. For this reason its ability to procreate has been somewhat hampered. The usual proceedure, up until now, has been to place both males and females in a confined space in the hope they would eventually make a connection. However what usually happens is that they both watch each other go up and down until one of them eventually dies.
The Silesian Self-igniting Shrew
Do you really need any further explanation?
The Mongolian Tree Fish
Latest news about the Pisces Arboream Orientalis is that in order to preserve what is left of the species, it has opted to go fictional.
The Patagonian Paralytic Parrot
Again the future of this pair of cuddly little tykes depend on whether they are able to get it on with each other or not. The future looks decidedly bleak, as the following observational notes confirm. Quite what evolution meant by giving these birds 100% alcohol instead of blood remains a mystery:
1am: Both birds suspended upside down from perches facing each other.
1.05am: Male Parrot offers traditional mating cry of "Your my mate you are!!"
1.05am and 45 seconds: Female response: A belch and plummet.
1.10am: Male bird now giving mating cry to mirror, Female now staggering around the floor of the cage singing "Moonlight becomes you" to the sandpaper.
1.11am:In attempting to mate with mirror, Male parrot unhooks left claw from perch. Sways around a bit, then also plummets.
1.12am: Both parrots observed staggering around uncertainly.
1.15am: Female parrot has found the bars of the cage and is attempting to reach perch.
2.15am: Female parrot still trying to reah perch. Male lying prone on ground, presumed unconscious.
5.00am: Both parrots suspended upside down from perches facing each other.
5.05am: Male parrot offered the traditional mating cry of......I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE, IT IS SO POINTLESS!!! LET ME OUT!!!
Meanwhile At Conservation Headquarters
"Hello, World Wildlife Fund, How can I help you?"
" 'ello me deario's, Farmer Bin Laden here."
"Ok, what can I do for you?"
"Well Oi 'ear's that you be looking for them there endangered species n' all?"
"That's right. Do you know of any?"
"Arrr, That I do. About three shedloads of pigs, a barnful of Chickens, about thirty head of cattle....."
"Er...hold on a minute. None of those species sound particularly endangered to me."
"Well, this lot certainly are, me deario."
"Might I ask how?"
"Well they're all off to the ol' knacker's yard tomorrow so I can use the space for luxury flats."
"Hello, World Wildlife Fund. Can I help you?"
"Hello, I'm Sid from Sidcup and I have an endangered species for you."
"Ok, What is it?"
"Potato? That's an endangered species?"
"This one is, it's on the end of my fork. Handsome with a bit of gravy."
"Christ on a crutch. Hello World Wildlife Fund?"
"Nya hah hah. Dr Joseph Mengele here from Huntingdon Life Sciences."
"Ok and what can I do for you?"
"I'd like to nominate Derek the Chimp who is helping me with my common cold experiments."
"Oh and is he endangered?"
"He will be once I've shot 50,000 volts through his Gonads. Nyah ha ha."
"And doing that will help cold research?"
"No, but its a bloody good laugh!!"
"Hello World Wildlife Fund"
"Hello, Sid from Sidcup here. I'd like to nominate some Cauliflower."
"Let me guess, on the end of your fork with a nice bit of gravy?"
"That's right, yes. Be floating through the sewers in a few days.
"Oh please. World Wildlife Fund?"
"Hello, unlike the others I have a real endangered species for you."
"Ok can I have your name please?"
"If you don't mind, I'd rather not give it."
"Oh, and why not?"
"Well it is rather long."
"Well I do need to log your species with some name or other."
"Ok, it's Frisbee O'Risbee..."
"That sounds fair enough to me.
"Ok,ok I get the picture."
"There's another seven pages of it yet."
"Never mind. What animal do you want to nominate."
"A funny species really. Have you heard of the Dangerou?"
"No. Sounds interesting. Describe it for me."
"Well that's the difficulty of it you see. The species isn't easy to describe as it has many widely differing appearences."
"Oh how so?"
"I have no idea. But you see them at the Zoo."
"Oh, so there is some form of conservation effort going on then."
"Yes, there's quite a few species in cages. All marked with a sign."
"And the sign says?"
""These Animals Are Dangerous.""
"Oh, Go away!! World Wildlife Fund? Can I help you?"
"Hello, Sid from Sidcup here."
"For fuck's sake. Which part of your Sunday lunch are you going to nominate this time?"
"None of it."
"What, no Carrots?"
"What about Parsnips?"
"So, seriously, you are not going to nominate any root vegetable connected with your dinner plate this time?"
"Or even vegetables like Runner Beans?"
"Honestly nothing to do with me Sunday Roast."
"Ok. That's a relief. What are you going nominate?"
"This 'ere grape."
"Yep, lovely with a bit of cream on it."
"I GIVE UP I GIVE UP. WE'RE ONTO THE SODDING DESSERTS NOW!!! WATCHING THOSE PARROTS WAS BAD ENOUGH!!! I RESIGN!!!"
How Not To Endanger Species At Social Functions
You know what it's like. You've spent a fortune on Fireworks, you've lit the Bonfire and you suddenly see Tiddles lying in a big soft cuddly lump, purring and looking up at you with pleading eyes. We have all been here, so here a few tips on how to minimise the harm you may cause to your local wildlife:
1) Cats and Dogs have highly sensitive nervous systems and hearing sensitivity that can make a "silent but deadly" sound like Hiroshima. So if you do have pets and you are planning a bonfire, remember to have them put down first.
2) Sticking Bangers up the backsides of Tomcats is not advisable. It tends to blow their knackers off and there's nothing worse than a mardy Tomcat. So please avoid causing them such inconvenience.*
3) Before lighting your bonfire, remember to check for Hedgehogs. They do tend to go off bang and there is nothing worse for your guests than trying hold a conversation whilst being showered with Hedgehog spikes. Believe me, it isn't worth it.
(*Has your cat been done? If not, why not give us a call at Castra-Cat and we will send you one of our special Castra-Cat kits. Much cheaper than a quick snip with the vet's scissors, but more expensive that a kick in a crutch. So give us a ring now. You won't regret it!!**)
(**"'ullo, I'm Bob."
"Yeah, I know."
"I wasn't talking to you, Doug."
"Oh. Sorry Bob."
"Nah then, you have just been listening to all that Castra-Cat stuff, right?"
"Yeah, too right Bob!!"
"And your probably thinking. Sounds good, but a little expensive. Is there a cheaper alternative?"
"Yeah, that's just what I'm thinking,Bob. Is there a cheaper way to have my cat done? Amazing, Bob. However did you know that? I reckon you must be psychic Bob. That was ama...."
"Don't overdo it, there's a good chap. But there is a cheaper alternative: "Bob 'n Doug's Cat Control Service." We guarentee we can whip the gonads off your cat in a few seconds and all for free."
"And what's more we give you a choice of mallet, hobnail boot or baseball bat. None of that posh stuff for us. Just a quick wallop and instantly your cat control problem is sorted."
"Nice one Doug. And what is more we offer you your cat's silver plated gonads as a trophy."
"Can't be fairer than that can we Bob?"
"Indeed not Doug. And what is more we are not afraid to call a spayed a spayed."
"Or a nigger,wog or coon, eh Bob?
"Erm...That's not quite what I meant Doug. So if your kind of lumbered with a randy Tomcat who won't stop ravishing the furniture, give us a call." ***)
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