Energizer bunny

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Fuzzy Pink Bastard

The Energizer Bunny is the immortal mascot of the battery company Energizer. He/she/it/? is a small, pink, furry, and annoying rabbit with a tendency to constantly play the drums, and to feast on the innards of children. The Energizer Bunny, and his clan are also notorious in the fashion industry for being made into luxurious women's coats. Republican tribes in Northern Jersey worship the pink fuzzy bunny and believe that one day thousands of them will fly down from the clouds bringing gold to believers.

Fashionable Energizer Bunny fur coat

Down the Rabbit Hole[edit]

Portrayed as the fuzzy cute bunny on television, the Energizer Bunny was anything but. He enjoyed frequent sexual activity, and was even incarcerated for extremely heinous and mildly disturbing crimes.

Heinous crimes

The Energizer Bunny led a hard, fast life of sex, drugs and high speed car chases. The criminal activity just kept going, and going, and going. Currently, he is addicted to crack Nickel-metal hydride, which he administers with a suppository he stole from his grandmother's ass a trusty battery recharger.

Known for their high fertility and reproduction rate, the Energizer Bunny's private life soon became reason for public concern, as offspring bunnies began appearing all over the city. Highly excitable, vastly ranging in size, and running on an endless supply of energy, major property damage ensued.

Energizer Bunny's 'relations'

An infamous example of the Energizer Bunny's scandalous affairs was the case of Vitalizer Bunny, which was brought to court when Vitalizer Bunny testified against the Energizer Bunny for abandoning her and their illegitimate son, Unexpected Bunny. The Energizer Bunny lost, and was sentenced to devoting 50% of his paycheck to the support and care of Vitalizer Bunny and son.

Vitalizer Bunny and son, Unexpected Bunny

Which One's Pink?[edit]

Several investigations by authorities have focused on the Energizer Bunny's brilliant pink coloration. Initial results suggested that the bunny led a non-traditional lifestyle, but around-the-clock surveillance yielded no evidence of anything but a healthy, if over-active sexual proclivity. Later studies suggested that the pink coloration may be linked to high concentrations of cobalt chloride in his system, which tends toward pink in low-humidity environments.


Recently, an investigation has been going on into the case of the Energizer Bunny murder. He was found unmoving in his apartment room, after being told his job was going to be replaced by animatronic clones. Authorities originally suspected suicide to be the cause of death.

However, upon autopsy, scientists have determined the cause of death was, in fact, cardiac arrest, brought on by sexual over-exertion. Crime scene investigators have theorized that the suspect entered the apartment at night, removed the Energizer Bunny's batteries, and replaced them backwards.

Crime scene re-enactment

The Energizer Bunny just kept on coming, and coming, and coming.

A gruesome death indeed. Having made many enemies in his brief yet energetic life, the murderer of the Energizer Bunny is unknown, and may still be at large. Rumours that it could have been the weird cat in the eveready logo remain unconfirmed, although it still remains the subprime suspect.

The murderer...could be ANYONE

See Also[edit]

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