From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Ephedra.

Ephedra is a trans-solar planet in the Narcoticus System. It is about as large as Saturn or Jay Leno's Chin, and sports an atmosphere that is made up of oxygen, nitrogen, body fat, radon, and Hydroxycut. It is most known for its beautiful single continent of Metabolife, which is ruled by a beaurocratic government known as the Ephedra Education Council, or the EEC. The air on Ephedra, along with its water, tastes like bitter orange.

Climate on Ephedra[edit]

The typical climate on most of Metabolife is about 68-74 degrees Ephedraheit, which translates roughly to about 79-85 degrees Fahrenheit.

Towards the poles, where bitter orange/radon glaciers form, the typical temperature is approximately 17-23 degrees Ephedraheit, which is about 28-34 degrees Fahrenheit. Glacial formation will be discussed in the following section.

Geography of Ephedra[edit]

The planet Ephedra, masked by clouds. Narcus in the distance

Most of Ephedra is a lolling and rolling wonderland of green hills and fanciful trees. At the polar caps, the ice has a slightly orange hue, due to the presence of bitter oranges.

There are no oceans on Ephedra; only small miniscule inland seas and lakes. These lakes and seas, along with their sister glaciers, have an orange-ish tint, owing itself to the presence of bitter orange in the atmosphere. Radon is also present in these glaciers.

Ephedran Glaciers form when radon and the bitter orange molecules freeze. However, radon and bitter orange have different freezing points; bitter orange freezes at 20 degrees Ephedraheit (31 degrees Fahrenheit) while radon on Ephedra freezes at 18 degrees Ephedraheit (29 degrees Fahrenheit). From this, an un-natural phenomena occurs. Once each Ephedran winter, the bitter orange molecules freeze, forming unappealing orange lumps at the poles that only Hillary Clinton could bear to eat. The radon, still unfrozen yet attracted to the forzen bitter orange, clumps to the unappealing orange lumps. The radon then freezes, thereby forming Ephedran glaciers. It takes approximately 30 Earth days for these glaciers to form; the radon only clumps together with the bitter orange lumps on about the 27th day.

The mainland of Ephedra, the continent of Metabolife, has a generally mild temperature. Due to the lack of major oceans, is barely rains; however, it has been documented that salmon have rained from the sky on numerous occasions.

All Metabolivians recognize Lipid City as their capital city. Lipid city harbors about 30% of the planet's population.

Ephedran Culture[edit]

Ephedrans all unanimously have a common faith: Hiltonanity. All Ephedrans are morbidly obese and have heart problems. Seeing this in themselves, they sought out a deity that was deathly skinny and had little or no [visible] heart problems. That was when Paris Hilton visited the planet Ephedra on a space-ship named the Liposuction. She visited Lipo City, but was immediately horrified by the extreme number of obese people present. Scared that she would be rejected, she fled the planet. From that moment on, Ephedrans worshipped Paris Hilton as their goddess; her immaculate deathly skinnyness and her lack of known heart problems appealed greatly to the Ephedan populace. From those humble roots, Hiltonanity rose to secular power. The Church of Hilton's brainchild became the EEC, which then became the ruling government on Ephedra.

The Destruction of Ephedra and the Exodus of Ephedra[edit]

The final destruction of the planet Ephedra. Only 20% of the planet's inhabitants survived, escaping on their capital ship, the Axiom.

On Bobsvember 35th, the planet Ephedra was destroyed when the sun Narcus sent out its normal 17-day heat flash. Unfortunately, the ancient Quayan civilization on Ephedra had predicted this occurence 2000 Earth years before. The Quayans predicted Ephedra's downfall and destruction, and their prophecy proved deadly accurate.

As usual, the sun Narcus sent out its 17-day heat flash. Normally, every time this happens, the planet Yaz blocks these colossal heat flashes, and the estrogen in its atmosphere absorbs the brunt of the force. However, on Bobsvember 35th, 2012, Yaz's orbit did not align with Narcus' heat flash. Instead, Yaz, as predicted in the prophecy, "was faced to the butt-end of the sun Narcus" (quoting the Quayan Prophecy). The heat flash was not blocked by Yaz, and as a result, it impacted Ephedra full-force.

THe following impact destroyed nearly 80% of human life on Ephedra. The remaining 20% were left battered and bruised. The prophecy stated that "twice shall the hormonal fury of Narcus fire, and it shall the second flash that will destroy the planet". Seeing the prophecy as the truth, the Ephedrans gathered together on their capital ship, the Axiom. The rest of the humans all piled into the Axiom, and they left Ephedra. A few minutes later, the second predicted flash came, and it eradicated the planet.

From then on, the remnant of the humans lived in paradasiacal peace aboard the Axiom and they searched for a planet suitable for them. For about 700 years, they searched, eventually wandering out of the Narcoticus System and into the Milky Way Solar System. There, a pestering robot named HENR-Y and his robotic girlfriend WILMA attacked the Axiom (this occurence was later turned into a Disney/Pixar film, although the names were changed to protect the innocent). The caused the Axiom to crash land into a small terrestrial planet named Earth, in which they formed a colony called Pittsburg.