Eragon

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia think they have an article about Eragon.
You'll turn page after page just looking for where it ends!

You might also be looking for E. ragon, a type of bacteria closely related to this book!

“In Soviet Russia, Dragons KILL YOU!!!”

~ Russian Reversal on Dragon Riders

Eragon, also called "Not Another Fantasy Epic" or "Not Another Fantasy Movie", is part of the book series known as the "Inheritance Bicycle", with yet so far one movie based upon these books. The story is that the mighty wizard Dumbledore must teach the hobbit Frodo Baggins from the planet Tatooine how to use the Force and journey to the dark realm of Angband in the far north to throw the Three Silmarils into the fires of Thangorodrim while resisting the temptations of the Dark Side and avoiding the stormtroopers of the evil Darth Morgoth and his sinister dragon Glaurung and, uh... wait a minute, that's not it. Oh, here's the right paper. Sorry for the mixup. Here follows the true plot.

Plot[edit]

Nope, most definitely not a ripoff.

When Eragon finds a giant blue egg in the forest (the Easter Bunny lost it, see), he immediately tries to destroy it with small incendiary devices placed cleverly around the stone in the shape of a smiley face. Upon their failure to explode, he decides to try and make an omelet. Instead of a delicious ham-and-cheese treat, the stone brings forth a blue eyes white dragon hatchling and a deck of cards to battle the Darkness, which Eragon promptly attempts to eat.

Eragon realizes he has stumbled upon another bad plot line; his simple "poor farmer" lifestyle of good old-fashioned hard work and hay for breakfast is shattered. With only a sword so ancient it's completely rusted over, Eragon sets off on a pilgrimage to avoid his taxes--mainly, to find that secret spot he found in the forest so he can wait there and cry until Galbatorix dies. Accompanying him is the stalker, Brom, an old man who likes to eat dragons (though he swears that it isn't true and they can't prove anything). He becomes Eragon's teacher in many schoolings, including: lifting pebbles with his head, pinata thrashing, kung fu, metaphysics, quantum physics and theoretical mathematics. In the end, Eragon kills himself while trying to destroy Galbatorix with a nuclear bomb while he was hiking in the forest.

Along with Brom's never-questioned guidance, Eragon and the fledgling dragon must navigate the dangerous Kessel Run and avoid the dark servants of the Empire ruled by the Lord of the Pit, Bush (brother to Alphathorax), whose evil is so immense that he knows a revolver has five rounds and his first words as a baby were the world-destroying Black Speech spell "fo' shizzle ma nizzle". Can Eragon take on the evilly evil, super-evil overlord who is evil incarnate, (AKA Bush)? In a fantastic and unforeseen twist of events (see quotes), it turns out he can, but then the entire book is revealed to be nothing but Panino's dream. However, Paolini is only dreaming it is his dream, and Eragon turns out to be dreaming that Christopher Paolini is dreaming it's his dream that's actually Eragon's dream. Then George Lucas realizes that he's dreaming about Eragon, not Star Wars. Koda, a green midget orc, also appears in one scene to testify against the rights of George Lucas. *Sentence cut-off by F.B.I.*. This movie was produced by Steven Spillburger.

Insignificant Characters[edit]

People from the 'Inheritance' cycle

Eragon Shadeslayer '- The 1337-est person ever. When he was first introduced, he was mentioned as being an intense pair of eyebrows and a pair of eyes. He is also the main character of the story. We like him. Everyone likes him, except for the bad guys. Borat likes him. And if you don't like him then you're an evil bastard who deserves to die horribly, in an episode involving bricks and napalm. Because everyone who doesn't like Eragon either dies or ends up liking him. It's just the way things work. Eragon's characteristics include: handsome naivety, a jaw like a chisel, a dictionary with the Ancient Language of the Nords, passing out at the end of every chapter and being ridden by dragons. He has two brothers: Omicron Shadeslayer (Supreme leader of Omicron Persei 8 (futurama)) and Oregon Shadeslayer, but they are killed off in the first act by a rampaging purple dinosaur. Also known as Samson.

Saphira by John Dude Palencar

Saphira- See plot device.A Giant sized, fire breathing, Levitating utility droid who is obviously not a clone of R2-D2 and obviously not wanted by the Empire, and obviously not dangrous to the empire (oh wait, she is). Saphira's main task is to disagree with anything Eragon says, no matter how overwhelmingly logical,to make him as uncool as is humanly possible. The stress of this mission has had adverse affects upon her digestion and occasionally after large meals, she breathes fire while dealing with massive heartburn, she accidentally won a climactic battle with Bush because of this. Another minor task she fulfills is that of a walking plot device, which she is in fact quite talented at.

Obi-Brom Kenobi-Obi-Wan Kenobi's half-brother, Gandalf's wayward nephew, and Dumbledore's second cousin once-removed. After being convicted of impersonating his half-brother, Brom was sentenced to a life on an even more backwater planet than Tatooine, where he continued his impersonation outside of the long, well-tanned arm of the law. Before meeting Eragon, he supposedly spent his days glazy-eyed from badfic as he stared at the unfathomably beautiful revolutions of the countless stars above. Upon meeting Eragon and his wondrous dragon, he takes him to seek the Rebel Alliance's local chapter, the Varden, meanwhile managing to lead an army to the Varden's doorstep in a comical mishap. He also promised to mentor Eragon but had little time to do so in between reading badfic and trying to poison Saphira. Brom suffered from a massive plot device in the middle of the book and collapsed. Unfortunately, he had been putting off teaching Eragon how to check a pulse, the result being that he was sealed in a solid diamond tomb. The tomb has been said to be gone now, as a diamond crazed Chuck Norris has been spotted around the area. Please, if you see him, call the police from Hot Fuzz.

Arweia (aka Arya Awards)- Loves to shoot eragon

Rorsam- Eragon's cousin, who has been praised for being an excellent hindrance to everyone he tries to help. Although he has fallen in love with the local butcher's daughter, Katrina, they have been forced apart due to her father's stubbornness and Rorsam's all-around incompetence. He adopted the name "Bongslammer" after Galbatorix's soldiers interrupted his hippie party and he killed them with a horse's tail. Unfortunately, this did affect his reputation as a hindrance, and he hasn't been able to find work since.

Emperor King Plapatine Galbatorix- The evil king of Ahlhläëgällësuiäëä who owns one of the only dragons left in existence. He's so evil, he wears black and he voted for Nader because he hates everyone! It's been said that he's been closeted inside his castle for the more than fifty years and has been documented as being extremely agoraphobic. This claim has been denied by his official spokesman however, who stated that he "simply has too much to do to take a break. Not everyone can live a simple "poor farmer" lifestyle." Later on, a national census was taken to see if people were frustrated by their leader's lack of social interest, but the overall response was one of confusion and many replies of "King Galby? I thought he was dead." He is also known as Bush.

Durza - Many speculate he is the escaped left-overs from Carrot Top's plastic surgery. He is described as having red hair, alabaster skin and watery-red eyes, which led to traumatizing moments at Shade School in which he was teased for not being albino enough. The story has a happy ending however: Durza later became the official spokeman of King Galbatorix, totally shaming all the other Shades at their reunion. Because of his new-found importance, Durza was charged with the task of kidnapping Arya, but unfortunately, while he was having a party. Arya rode by unscathed. Later on in the book he encounters Brom in an epic battle, but Brom sees his many freckles, is reminded of the constellations he adores, and stares at him with glazed eyes (See above on plot device).

A-Jihad - Is black, and therefore dies during the series like most black people in books generally do. Was probably a terrorist.

Nasuada - Is black, like her father. As she is black and attempts to assassinate her have 'failed', she is most likely a zombie. She continues torment Farthen Dur's spellcasters by forcing them to make evil black lace to eat up some gal called Leona Lewis, since she thinks the British singer is imitating her.

Sarah Faolin - An elf male who accompanied Arya in delivering the egg. Annoyed at being Arya's love interest, he rode ahead of Arya so he could have some time alone. He came across the unprepared Durza and the trolls, who playing cards. He asked who they were, and Durza replied that they were casino workers. Faolin joined them, and upon seeing him, Arya shot him.

Trianna - She is the reincarnation of Paris Hilton. She began another way of making money when Nasuada forced her, along with many characters from Hogwarts, to make her the evil lace. Being a sorceress, she gets her power from a similar source that Murtagh and Mrs Coulter. has: a gold origami of some ugly animal. While Murtagh has a dragon, and Mrs Coulter a monkey, Trianna has a snake. When her pay got low she left.

Doughnut Man- The towns doughnut seller in Carvahall. Everyone comes to him to buy their doughnuts. He sometimes sets up a marquee in the town centre and makes a day of it. Many people say that his existence is just so that there would be a treacherous Doughnut Man in the story, and to give him an aura of evil. Those against this character's existence claim that it is ridiculous that a Doughnut Man exists in such a small town. After all, can't the villagers go hunting for wild herds of doughnuts themselves?

Ra-zac- Take a whole jar of Prozac and shake it with a vengeance. According to legend, your large intestine will turn inside-out if they get close enough to breath on you. Their large beaks and fantastic Ringwraith impersonations have given them the reputation of being nearly as evil as Galbatorix herself, but as they will tell you, they are simply misunderstood. Sadly, racial tolerance wasn't invented until 1932. In turn, their amazing cooking talents will never be revealed.

Murtan Solo- Murtan Solo, though described as an obese version of Zelda, readers still imagine Murtan as Pyramid Head, despite Paolini's angry admonishments that only Eragon can have a chisel-like chin and a ridiculously long sword. After stealing cloaks from George Lucas, he tried to kill Eragon so he could steal the legendary Dragon Rider's clothing, but it turned out that Eragon's clothing is painted on and lead to an unfortunate accident where Murtan ripped off Eragon's skin and threw him at the door of Helgrind's chapel. Since then, he has been working as a hunter for Eragon & Co. to find meat and vegetables; they have learned, through time, to not remark upon the occasional finger they find in their hamburger.

Darth Morzan-Eragon's father. NOT!! BROM IS! *end spoiler* The shocking revelation haunted Eragon for all of one sentence. Readers were angry with this because they thought Eragon got over his grief too slowly, which Paolini is infamous for. For example, in Eldest, Eragon took too long to surrender everything he ever believed in because Oroda said so. As for Murtagh, he was a Dragonrider while still in the womb, and would play silly tricks like making his mother go insane. When he came out of the womb, he was holding a golden origami swan--his dragon--and the source of his magic. The elves adopted Mora, and he came under Darth Galb's tutelage; soon, like all dragonriders, he transformed into an obese chinaman. He can now be found working in the kitchens of Hogwarts. He should be easy to find because of his black helmet, labored breathing, and evil theme music.

Horst - Carvahall's local smith. He likes to force the Doughnut Man to package his meat, but if the Doughnut Man says no, he's chopped up with Horst's BIG knife.

Yorick - Eragon's lackey. He like meat and cutting things in half. He lives in a rock under Ajihad's basement, where he keeps all of his other insignificant fairytale pets. He is the adopted son of Golfcart, the Dwarf king who carries around a "big hammer".

Solembum - He's solemn?

Elva - Strangely, not an elf, but an orphaned girl Eragon tries to bless. Instead, he curses her by accident because he fell asleep during Obi-Brom's lessons on verb conjugation. At the end of Brisingr she is less than two years old, but her body is said to be at the development of around six years old, whereas she develops an adult's intellect and appreciation of fine arts eventually Nasuada promotes her to the rank of Radioactive-Postmodern-Ninja-Girl-Scout.

King Orrin - A character in the Inheritance cylce who appears in the second book: Eldest. A well known geek king who locks himself in his science lab and cackles. His other interests include:


Extremely Insignificant Characters[edit]

Ra'Azac- The creatures which live on the old sandwich Eragon finds in his pocket.

Christopher Paolini- A panino with four cheeses, all "paosined".

Critical reaction[edit]

There has been much criticism of Eragon, regarding everything from word usage to the marketing techniques. The most frequent criticism heard is that it is far too original. They complain that Paolini's employment of such species as Elves, Dwarves, and an unheard-of race known as Urgals simply was incredibly novel and the exciting action in the story 'frightens them.' Many believe that it's a marvel that Eragon is even kept on bookshelves considering the amount of entertainment it contains.

Many reviewers also complained that Paolini's characters are far too complex and realistic for them to understand. They also complain that Alagaësia is far too complex a world to understand in just three volumes and that they would need another 447 volumes to fully appreciate the intricacies of Paolini's imaginary world. Likewise, critics have alleged that Paolini's use of frequent baroque descriptions are more fascinating and effective than any literary work ought to be.

His fantasy languages have attracted criticism for their lack of apostrophes, great lack of nonsense words with no vowels, major lack of unnecessary umlauts, and a consistency to rival Tolkien's languages.

Even Paolini's age has been subject to scrutiny. However, critics agree that his perpetual fifteen years of age has no bearing whatsoever on their opinions of his writing. The marketing department at Alfred A. Knopf also states that, "Thanks to Paolini's draw dropping talent and lack of personal connections, he is treated like any other writer we publish, with no special editing perks or marketing gimmicks."

The fan community has been quite sympathetic to both amateur and professional critics.

Reviews[edit]

- School Librarians Weekly said that the book would garden many fans, growing them up big and with lots of pesticides. They then went on to say that Eragon "approached the depth, uniqueness and mastery of J. R. R. Tolkien's works."

- Meanwhile, Children's Literature Monthly said Paolini's "eye and ear for detail approached his nose for detail especially in describing the natural world". Later on they were sued for reminding Paolini of the horrible car accident that left him with only one eye and one ear.

- Not all reviews were positive. In the famous New York Times "sour grapes" review, Sam Tanenhaus said that "Eragon depresses me. Paolini has mastered the English langugage and human psychology so well that I ought to quit literature and take up painting." Paolini later sent him a sympathy card written in Old Norse.


Thievery[edit]

Many people would not notice the subtle plagiarism Panino--er "Paolini" uses in his work, and so here follows a compilation of the more discreet incidents.

It has also been pointed out that many names in Tolkien's work resemble Eragon, including but not limited to:

  • Arya Awards- Rob Schneider
  • Ardwended - The Ugly Duckling
  • Isentitsfar - Bob the Builder
  • Mithrimil - Greg the Gregorious Gecko
  • Eragon - Oprah Winfrey
  • Angernost - Ronald Weasly
  • Morgothal - l33t 5p34k3r
  • Furnostum - Ask Jeeves
  • Hard Desert - Erector sets
  • Melons - Water and Honey
  • Eridorst - Dora the Explorer
  • Imladri - Don't you have anything better to do than read this?
  • Roran - Girl Scouts of America
  • Uragirl - Steve Urkel, Urgals, or (I can't believe its not orc!)
  • Saphira - Paris Hilton
  • Dark, evil people - The Knights Who Say Ni
  • Galbatorix - H.R. Puff'n'Stuff
  • Durza - The Abominal Snowman
  • Nasuada - Queen Elizabeth the First

Adaptions to the books[edit]

  - Paolini originally called Eragon "Gore" but decided against it as it didn't sound heroic enough
  - Originally Garrow had a massive mole on his face but it looked too ugly

The Books[edit]

The books are generally better than the movie like death by heart attack is better than being eaten alive by piranhas. Read if you fit the following categorical terms: masochist.

One important literary critic is reported as saying: "The books are badass but the movie was bad." However, this remark has been disputed because a) the movie had not yet been released at the time of the review, b) the Eragon series of books did not actually fit the proper critera of baditude to actually be labelled "bad", as they contain a severe lack of Chuck Norris. The critic has now revised his position to the books being "moderatly bad."

The Movie[edit]

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The movie was released in 1996 and was directed by Orson Welles. Many fans of the novels critisized the casting of Sylvester Stallone as Eragon and the change of Saphira to an Apache helicopter. In regards to the latter change, the screenwriter replied. "What's the problem? Dragons fly and burn things, Apache helicopters fly and burn things. They're basically the same thing."

Shooting took place in South Africa, Antarctica and the Amazon jungle. Significant details were changed in the plot:

1. Eragon is an ex-navy Seals veteren who has retired to Bolivia, where he hunts snakes

2. Brom is Eragon's former Sergeant. His portrayal by Jeremy Irons was questioned by fans, as they believed the initial choice, Arnold Schwartzennegar, would have made a far better portrayal of he character, as his acting abilities far exceed those of Irons (Despite the fact that Jeremy Irons is himself a real wizard).

3. The Urgals are communist revolutionaries led by El Galbarorix, an evil Bolivian warlord, and Durza, an ex-KGB agent from the former Soviet Union.

4. In the book Michael Jackson was white but in the movie he was black and his son and himself were not eaten by Walt Disney


Despite such unfaithfulness to the book, the movie did well at the box office, and the sequel, "Rambo: Eragon Part 2", was recently released.

The Game[edit]

YOU JUST LOST IT!! Oh, and Happy Birthday Wong!



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