Erectile Disfunction

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This Article Refers to "Erectile Disfunction" the biblical plague, rather than "Erectile Dysfunction, the mundane and slightly more boring disease.

“Need some wood?”

~ George W. Bush to a possible victim of erectile disfunction.

“Vivaaaaa Viagra!”

~ A bunch of horny guys singing about erections.

“It's like trying to play snooker with rope...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Erectile Disfunction


Picture this, you're in the middle of intercourse, pleasuring your lady, and all of the sudden, old Sexcalibur goes limp. Your lady friend is pissed. "WHAT'S WRONG?" she shouts, "AM I NOT ATTRACTIVE TO YOU ANYMORE?" She storms out of the bedroom, shower, supply closet, or from behind the vending machines, leaving you dazedly wondering what the hell just happened. It's called erectile dysfunction (also known as limp noodle syndrome), get used to it.

Known Causes[edit]

There are several things known to cause erectile dysfunction, and we have prepared a list of them so you know what to watch out for: Macaroni, hot dogs (bratwursts are still okay), any cold cereal that is not erotically shaped like a ring, O or loop, the gazes of Hillary Clinton, Martha Stewart, and Nancy Pelosi, condoms, frogs, your mum, Oscar Wilde quotes, excessive editing of this page, and, in Superman's case, Kryptonite. Some medical professionals claim that it may be caused by pulmonary and circulatory disorders, but these have widely been dismissed as bullshit.


Erectile dysfunction was originally invented by God as a punishment for the creation of the internet (Something had to obstruct the internet porn industry), and it has been running rampant ever since. In some societies, before the invention of medicines to counter the heinous disease, victims of erectile disfunction were castrated and decapitated, as they were now useless to the continuation of the race. Luckily, these days are over now, due to advances in medical technology.


In the early days of erectile dysfunction, it was believed that the disease was caused by the disappearance of the bacculum, or "penis bone". Several major surgeries were invented, mostly involving the insertion of a large metal rod into the afflicted area, reinforcing the limp, flaccid, highly un-sexy tissue. Today, there are many medicines invented to cure erectile disfunction, most of them causing massive amounts of blood to flow to your one-eyed-pocket-snake, except for one.

Doctor Porkenheimer's Boner Juice[edit]

Quite possibly the greatest medicine ever invented, Docter Porkenheimer's Boner Juice is available in back allies near sexual novelty stores everywhere. It treats limp noodle syndrome at the source. The juice fills man's best friend with a non toxic-high density cement, to keep those blood vessel full and firm. Unfortunately the FDA has yet to approve this miracle medicine, so be ready to participate in some shady activities in order to actually get some (they may have you be in a porno to advertise the product.)