Espio the Chameleon

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Spoiler warning: Plot spoilers, such as the fact that

ESPIO HAS NO BALLS, VECTOR IS THE SON OF DOCTOR WHO AND HE DID YOUR MOM

may follow. Read on at your own discretion.

“I don't recognise you. Your plastic surgery went badly wrong.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Espio
Espio says no to smoking

The Beginning[edit]

Espio was born as a result of a one-nighter between Michael Jackson and the Crazy Frog. It is not clear who the mother was. Although there is evidence pointing the finger at Gene Simmons.

Growing up[edit]

Childhood was pretty bad for Espio. His first day at school saw him being used as a football by the sixth-graders, and got picked on by varsity rugby players after moving to England. As did his second, and third, and... every day, for that matter. Espio spent most of his time being looked after by his grandmother, Paris Hilton, who refused to breastfeed in case she caught a cold (or got sent to jail on drink-driving charges, or found out about his homosexuality). Whenever his father turned up, violence kicked in. As a result, Michael Jackson went crazy and started having surgery to become a white Diana Ross. He also had an affair with Winston Churchill, and gave birth to his monkey, Bubbles. When Espio was just 10 years old, he was told to take a shower. He was distraught, and killed his pregnant grandfather, O. J. Simpson.

Jobs[edit]

Espio ran away from home, and took up snooker. He adopted the name of Terry McCarthy and won 44 Grand Slams in a row. Then, after he cut some guy, he was forced to quit, and became a member of The Prodigy. It was his idea to create the song "smack my bitch up" which became an instant hit. Unfortunately, Paul McCartney bought the rights, so Espio packed up his guitar and moved on. This was when Team Chaotix was created. There were no job applications for 3 years. Espio became a doctor, and not only delivered Vector the Crocodile, but cut his cord and circumsised him.

The road downhill[edit]

Vector instantly matured, and, due to a strange visit from Doctor Who, became the leader of Team Chaotix. Many years passed, and by then Espio had given up his job as a doctor. Then, in 1997, Charmy Bee, Mighty the Armadillo, Heavy and Bomber all joined the team. The latter two were destroyed by Charmy as he practised opera. Mighty, as you know, was accidentally swallowed by Vector while practising the flying bubble manouever for the lame and shameful Sonic Heroes. Things got worse, much worse. What was left of the team was asked to star in the abysmal game Shadow the Hedgehog. The stress of shouting "Find the Computer room!" for hours on end irreversibly changed Vector's voice, so now he sounds like Fozzy Bear with a sore throat. Espio, however, got the best deal, as he was INSIDE the computer room.

What happened next[edit]

After Espio turned down roles in both Basic Instinct 2 and Superbad, the team gained a cult reputation. Vector even got a role as playable character in Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games. Once that project was over, the team employed Sir Digby Chicken Caesar and Ginger as office temps. This turned out to be a good move, as Soma Cruz offered the team a part in Castlevania: Chorus of Sorrow. Charmy started spreading nasty rumors concerning Espio and soma's girlfriend Mina, but that passed in the end. But Soma always had a stern look on his face, even when Vector did his impression of Sam the Eagle from the Muppets (hilarious!). Sir Digby got a part as Hammer (after the real Hammer starred in the Cycle of Riddick) and Ginger went overboard at the buffet table and exploded, ruining Julius Belmont's dinner jacket. At the moment, Espio is still working on the movie as a zombie.

See also[edit]