20th March 2006
Uncycloversity Class 13F
By: Oscar Wilde
Essay: An Essay on the Essay
An essay is generally thought to be an exercising in recalling the thoughts, opinions, and beliefs of ones teacher. This essay will attempt to achieve the ultimate task: defining an essay. According to my teacher Ms. Haversher-- err, I mean, it is a widely known and commonly respected fact that the essay is the greatest achievement of creative self expression and informative dialogue in all of Western Civilization! (Or something...)
Picking a subject
First of all, the guide to a what constitutes good essay is to pick a good subject...
Which amounts to any subject at the end of the day. ANYTHING!
In fact, why not use a random subject? It's probably as good as that mind sitting doing 10% of the work that you should be doing for yourself...
Why not write about... The dramatic sexual tension between yourself and your high school debate captain!
Because you would get a bad grade, that's why. You're writing about Jane Austen. Now shut up.
Now to the Essay
Now you have the subject, it should be easy to build an charger around it. First present whatever subject takes your fancy, and state some facts, as the one thing that can't be questioned is fact, in accordance with Mini True Order 94A through to...forget it, you wouldn't be interested. Then, argue relentlessly!
Has anyone considered the fact that the sky is a light shade of mauve instead of blue? Has anyone thought that the theory of relativity is flawed by not acknowledging the existence of elves? Has anyone asked why this is an article instead of an Essay?
Once this is set up, it should be easy enough to knock down the questions you asked. Continue rubbishing it into the ground. The Essay has had it's day anyway, I always thought it was a waste of time myself.
For the conclusion, a statement at the end usually says that neutrality is disputed, but the essay will obey the Status Quo while asking one last question. This is quite hard, as their lyrics are quite hard to interpret sometimes, and anyway it doesn't matter because everything is neutral at the end of the day.
In Final Conclusion: Nobody Cares
See me. I was expecting much better than this from you, Wilde.