Although long believed to be a place made up by parents to scare children in to behaving, the county of Essex was recently found to really exist. Tucked in to the south-east of England, it is the birth place of many undesirable forms of humanity, including the Essex boy, the Essex Girl, the gary boy, the chav, Crazy Pete and the Conlan family. There have been no official attempts to eradicate Essex since the romans were booted out in 540 AD, but in recent years London has made several attempts to absorb the county in to its ever expanding Axis of Evil.
Essex was first colonised in 230BC by Adam and Eve with their neighbours the chavs who fell from the sky in a comet from the North and East London area. These chavs were swiftly chased away to Spain by romans who built many houses and put their capital in Colchester. The chavs, threatened by the Spanish's poofy interior design and bestiality, decided to rise up with the help of a mouthy ginger woman and kicked them all the way to St. Albans before being impaled several times over. The romans decided not to return and the chavs migrated back, establishing many council estates on their way. Not much has happened between then and now, though Gerogre Orwel
in 240BC the population was twice as much as it is today before the chavs moved out of London. then we wouldn't have the credit crunch today because they brought all of our guns and knives so it kept the government in tax.
In line with the government's recent anti-heritage policy, large areas of Essex are being bulldozed and turned in to "health villagesprojects" destroying what little architectural interest is left. The major epicentre of this work is Colchester, England's oldest and most dilapidated town. A chav was asked for his views on the matter, but his accent could not be interpreted by the interviewer.
Essex is also known as the "motherland" to many City Wankers whom emerged from there on interships. They discarded the howling cries of "Bananas, bananas, bananas" from markets stalls, changing to the more sophisticated "Oil, oil, oil". These utterances are the only major sociological changes attributed to City workers from Essex.
Often found dwelling in converted petrol stations and old grannies' lofts, the Essex people will rent anything in London as long as there is a Toni & Guy nearby. These hair salons provide much needed drop in centres to those whose raison d'etre is launching into diatribes about their cancer kissed holidays and their degrees (not educational, rather the extent to which they were paraletic).
In the year 2007 Essex became the worlds worst place to live, ahead of the endless vaccum of space, Chernobyl and Croydon. This was for three reasons, the towns of Grays, the independant warring nation of Tilbury, and the Lakeside Concentration Camp, or in the local dialect, 'Shopping Centre'.Lakeside is in reality a breeding ground for chavs and shoplifter scumbags of assorted variety. Lakeside also has a tiny lake, and is located in the very bottom of a chalk pit, a fine choice of location. Grays by comparison, is seen as setting the standard for Essex, chav culture, and general underage debauchery/criminality. Clacton also somewhat fits the aforementioned criteria. Lastly, tilbury (named because it was where the bodies were left during the plague) is a warring nation in permanent civil unrest. The police are generally ineffectual as they are armed with plastic batons, while the general chav has at least an AK-47 he bought from a dealer down the road for a few quid, though most Chavs claim to know a 'dodgey eastern European' who can get you one even cheaper.
Other notable areas in Essex include trhe wonderful town of Basildon, commonly known as Bas-Vegas. Recently their bid to become twinned with the better known Las-Vegas in Nevada, USA was declined on the grounds that the strip clubs required by state law in the US state of Nevada would not meet standards as the only potential women who could dance in these establishments are either 14 year old girls or women with what can only be described as a badly packed kebab ‘downstairs’ and stretch marks that could be visible from the Hubble telescope.
In 2012, Essex will be covered by a huge glass dome in order to prevent Essex people from going anywhere near the 2012 Olympic (Hunger) Games. The government have decided that they would prefer to leave the casual racism, mugging, raping and murdering of tourists to the denizens of East London, who in any case are far better at it. An enduring fear of the Essex accent, affectionately known as 'estuary english', is also a contributing factor.
In the near future, (next week to be exact), two unamed people will become unexpected heros. How they become heros is inexplicable. However, it can be explained, but I cannot be bothered to do so.
The language of Essex can be a difficult one to understand. It is a mixture of East Anglian hillbilly dialects, chav, Pikey and a pinch of Cockney. Here are some typical phrases you may hear in Essex.
Essex: "Eaaaaaarr, Keisha luv! Ya faancee a kwik shag raand da bak o' McDonalds?"
English Translation: "Keisha, my darling. Would you like to go on a date with me tonight?"
Essex: "Oi mayt? Gis us a cup o wor'ah or eyes stab ya up gud n propah lyk."
English Translation: "Excuse me sir? May I please have a glass of water?"
Essex: "Oi you fucking cunts, lets go to fucking [insert postcode here] and fucking beat up some [niggas/asians/anyone who isnt a poor white trash person]. Then, we can fucking piss in the fucking street and bang a babe up the fucking arse"
English translation: "My friends, would you like to go to town tonight?"
Essex is one of the few places in England which still feels the need to add on-sea to the names of towns. This is to prevent the local populace from constantly falling in to said sea and causing yet more chaos to its underfunded and disorganised emergency services. In places not bearing the names, many people have been known to get pissed and wander blindly into the ocean and drown, the lessons of their pedophile year 3 swimming teacher having been long since forgotten. Daily at 8.30am and 5pm hordes of people can be seen in a mass exodous towards the sea at Mistly and Harwich, and as such it has been proposed they be renamed Mistly-On-Sea and Harwich-On-Sea to curtail this, although it has also been suggested that Mistly be sold to the Dutch to save it from the tyranny of Essex in general.
The Famous 2008 "Hurricane Shazza"
In 2008 a major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of April 20th with its epicentre in Basildon .
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the county, causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived. Local Radio stations across Essex reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Essex.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 from Southend on Sea, said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."
Looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the county to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers managed to find large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
An appeal began to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster.
Clothing was most sought after - items most needed included:
Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White sport socks Rockport boots Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels were harder to come by, but were needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs included:
Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9. £5 buys B&H cigarettes and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
The day after the Hurricane rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in what looked like blood (this was later found to be raspberry alco-pop). 'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked, "CHELMSFORD" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?
Major Towns In Essex
- Chelmsford City - Enjoy a feeling of bleak hopelessness? This is the place for you. Also invented the call centre.
- Southend-On-Sea - Home of the gary boy. Its called Southend-On-Sea but should be called Southend-On-Thames, or more specifically Southend-on-Shit, since the Thames literally comes out of London's sewers
- Basildon - This is where your hard-earned money is sent to pay for single mothers.
- Harlow - Invented the "drive by" mugging.
- Romford - Home of the chav.
- Great Baddow - Has two gun shops, and a huge block of chavy flats.
- Rettendon - Popular tourist destinations include the country lane where three drug dealers where shot dead in the 90s.
- Chigwell - Basically divided in two. One half is full of huge houses full of posh snobs, the other half is the Limes Farm 'state, which is a cesspit where Essex County Council dump all the poor people and leave them in squalor. Pest Control have a problem here as they cant see the difference between rats and people. On a comical note, one young boy was killed.
- Grays - Famous for 'Grays Beach' which isn't really a beach, just rotting, abandoned boats surrounded by empty tins of Carlsberg Special Brew and used condoms
- Colchester - Has a university, 2 colleges and many bored chavs that visit Colchester because the Mc Donalds is within 200 meters of the job centre.
- Brentwood- Though not confirmed many sightings reported by scouts from Chelmsford suggest it is real.
- Clacton-On-Sea - What Auschwitz would have been like if Hitler hated old people instead.
- Braintree - Worse than Witham, but better than Basildon
- Coggeshall - A glittering cathederal to boredom
- Bocking - High amounts of inbreeding. Average School leaving age 7.
- Halstead - This town does not actually exist, anyone who claims to have seen Halstead obviously purchased drugs in Colchester
- Witham - Worst town in England, but better than Braintree.
- Maldon - Where 2 important sewage drains (Rivers Blackwater and Chelmer) come out and head out to the already badly polluted and turd filled [[North
- Harwich - For the continent
- Frinton - For the incontinent. It was reported that high ranking Luftwaffe Officer shortly after the outbreak of World War 2 had written a personal letter to Hermann Göring asking specifically for Frinton to be bombed. This was due to the fact that the all the shop keepers were rude and crabby to him when he went there on a holiday years before. This rudeness is still a practice upheld to this day. Also if you walk down Connaught Avenue you can see gaps above some shops where the bombs fell. (All of that is true!)
- Jaywick - If you don't have stab-proof skin, even reading this is suicide
- Epping- Locals of Epping, affectionately known as 'cretins', tend only to be interested in dogging.
- Loughton - Either full of rich chavs who drive around in Range Rovers thinking they are 'posh' and that everyone is jealous if them. In fact, everyone wishes Range Rover drivers be decapitated and eaten. Or, there are poor 'people' from Debden, Oakwood Hill and Valley Hill. These dirty scummy chavs are pregnant by 9 years of age and have a criminal record by 2 years.
- Broomfield - Birthplace of man.
- Thaxted - Bin Laden's British holiday home
- Tilbury - Many interesting sights such as, burnt out cars, derelict houses, bullet holes in road signs and dead bodies floating in the river. Also a great place to go if you want to claim on your car insurance for break ins.
- South Woodham Ferrers - Ruled by ASDA university and lots of butterflies.
- Wethersfield - Full of dogs, and then there's the RSPCA centre.
- Purfleet - Tilbury's little sister.
- Dagenham - Disputed land on the Essex/London border. Disputed because neither side wants it.
- Burnham - Festering backwater, located somewhere in the wilds of the Dengie peninsular.
- Tollesbury - Watch the film Deliverance, its pretty much like that.
- Rochford - Erm... There's an airport.
- Danbury - Quite nice actually.
- Leigh-on-Sea - Home of bleached blonde, Audi TT-driving new money types who while away the hours in one of the thousands of overpriced chavvy beauty salons or pretentious yet tasteless wine bars.
- Canvey Island - The biggest butchers knife in your house is probably a damn sight smaller than the knives they carry in Canvey.
Why? Just, why?
This is a question posed by many upon entering the county. A suitable answer has not yet been provided by anyone, but an evacuation and compensation scheme is being established by the government for all who can prove to have entered the county unwittingly or against their will.