Essex High School

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~ Oscar Wilde on Essex High School

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Essex High School
Motto xyzzxy
Established June 6, 1776
School type Public
Head That Guy
Location Essex (Junction for you fuckwits that care), Vermont, Disjointed States Of America
Campus Urban
Endowment Jack-Squat
Faculty 384
Mascot Ozzy The Pigeon

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Essex High School.

Essex High School (EHS) is a lovely, pristine school set in the open country of Essex, Vermont. It currently (as of Jan. 2008) occupies an area of 2.5 acres and has an enrollment of 1600 students. These students spend their time going to class, wandering the halls, going to class, wandering more halls, going to lunch, then class, then getting on a bus and going home. This is because, for all of its pristine innocence, EHS is actually a home to numorous dress codes, stiff regulations, and other such rules that allow no freedom of movement.

Origins of EHS[edit]

EHS was built upon a fertile ground of education, with a foundation set in learning, a roof of knowledge, and each brick represents a teacher who so lovingly graced the school with their presence. Wow. What a metaphor. Actually, EHS was built in the time of the Civil War. This is because some of the teachers who were there when it was built are still teaching. And boy, are they old. But since its construction in the 1700's, EHS has been a center for learning, partly because it is a school. (Don't ask about the other part.)


Academics at EHS leave a lot to be desired. Since its founding in colonial times, the EHS school board has constantly argued over the merits of introducing a new method of learning, called learning. EHS only requires four years of each subject, as opposed to the eight years often required by many inner-city schools. However, EHS boasts a wide range of pointless courses that many people seem to enjoy, such as dental assisting, media communications, computer applications I-IV, dental assisting, history through the arts, dental assisting, and study hall.


EHS boasts a wide range of sports. It also has a curling team, which, although not actually a sport, still competes north of the border. EHS has a large group of jocks to pick from for its sports, so it has a very successful sports department. In fact, in the gymnasium, many banners are displayed, some dating back to the dark ages, when the only sports were jousting and fencing.

X-tracurricular activities[edit]

EHS has many extracurricular activities ranging from band to orchestra, and everything in between ie drums. Many people claim participation in one or more of these activities, and most are good and beneficial. However, there are some of the more pointless groups out there. Specifically, there is the "After School Computer Club", constituted primarily Nick Dorfner and his like minded friends. A "gathering" at best, this club has very limited social interaction within its members, who seem to have greater interest in destroying World War 2 panzer tanks. It should be noted that while this club focuses on computer game playing, few of the members possess any real skill. Even though it might appear to be otherwise, it's just pure luck. It should also be noted that Nick Dorfner often misplaces his lunchbox in the "computer room", and must frequently be reminded by his mother to bring it back home.

Famed Professors[edit]

Noted Alumni[edit]

  • Brian Dubie, lieutenant governor of Vermont
  • Rob Reardon, head janitor.
  • Lindsay Lohan, actress
  • Grue, Dean of students
  • God, major deity and pro golfer
  • Nick Dorfner, the National World Record holder for zombie kills. He currently has the score of 56955 point∞. This number is increasing over the year.