Et Jesus (fl. 2006-2186) was the pseudonym of philosoper, imperial storm trooper and founder of the Etanity cult. He was the primary author of the cult's manifesto, The Book of C.R.A.P., and considered a wise and benevolent spiritual leader during much of the 21st and 22nd centuries.[Of course not!]
Et (pronounced Et) had a troubled childhood. His mother had left before he was born and so he was raised single-tentacledly by his father, Franklin P. Ferishternichskloveson (for more information on Franklin P. Ferishternichskloveson's work, see this article). Shortly after his birth, he joined the Galactic Empire and soon rose to the rank commander. Shortly after being disposed of by Darth Vader, he joined BZPower and soon rose to the rank of Darth Vader and ended up going back in time and disposing of his past self so that he could become Darth Vader and dispose of his past self, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.
After completely destroying logic, spitting on it, stomping its smouldering ashes into the ground, Et discovered AIM and soon found a band of would-be followers. On January 22, 2006, he shocked all present by saying something profound and passionate to those assembled (which is highly suspected to be a typo), but it gained their interest and they decided to follow his wise teachings. He was later called Et Jesus- Jesus after the name of his ex-girlfriend (whom many historians believe to be fictitious) spelt backwards: Suse J. = Jesus.
|w/e - One of the many wise teachings of Et Jesus|
Significantly Less Humble Middle Part
The Book of C.R.A.P.
After forming his religion/cult which was later called Etanity, Et Jesus wrote a holy book called "Christ Really Ain't suPeriour to me" (or C.R.A.P. for short). This book contained much of the wisdom of Et and in its 900th edition it had a grand total of 2 pages, font size 40.
|'STFU, ya' damn n00b! - A passage found on page 1 of the Book of C.R.A.P.|
The Great Bear Statue of Lima
With several followers now under his cruel, vindictive, accidentally wise influence, Et Jesus was able to command them to do pretty much anything (as long as your definition of anything only included listening to him and giving the occasional "Can I hear a hallelujah, brother?" every so often as he spoke). One of his most noted accomplishments was the Great Bear Statue of Lima. One night, after writing two more phrases of wisdom in the Book of C.R.A.P. (thusly, historians believe he was drunk at the time), Et Jesus commanded his followers to make a giant statue of him nude that he would place in Lima, Peru. Since building giant, naked statues of religious leaders violates Article 728 of the Peruvian constitution, the project was scrapped; his followers just drew a picture of a frog with purple crayon and called it quits. To make it sound more impressive and because Et Jesus felt like it, he decided to call the picture The Great Bear Statue of Lima. The picture was later burned once Et Jesus became sober again.
|Your mom was good last night. - The only quote from the Book of C.R.A.P. used by members of other religions|
House of Etness
Et Jesus is also renowned for building a place for his followers to congregate called the House of Etness. Spending a total of 25 minutes on it, Et Jesus went through much self-sacrifice and duct tape until the project was finally completed. The end product turned out to be a match box. Although it was rather stylish and flammable, it reduced his followers to only being able to be bits of wood. As wood was officially declared obsolete in the year 2186 by the Official Committee of Officiality, he soon had no followers at all.
|Co-ed dorms... *drool* - The only known statement of Et Jesus not found in the book of C.R.A.P.|
Outrageously Unhumble Downfall
With now a grand total of zero followers, Et Jesus's days of wisdom proclamation were over. However, due to his unhumble life, he had thousands of requests to guest star on talk shows and soon became the coolest guy within a one metre radius of himself (unless, of course, he was to hug someone. Since this never did or would happen, this is merely theoretical).
One day, Et Jesus had had too much. He went to the edge of a random bridge and prepared to jump (but not before notifying CNN and pretty much every other news station in the world just to show how outrageously unhumble he could be). Before jumping, he recited a speech full of wisdom that surpassed all other wisdom in the Book of C.R.A.P. before it. It was added in edition 356 and took up most of the second page. Et Jesus's speech was this:
|Gathered citizens and matchsticks alike, listen to me as I impart upon you my mightiest of wisdoms. This wisdom is something you shall tell your grandchildren about and how superiorly wise it was to all my other wisdoms. My mightiest of wisdoms is this: "Race car" spelt backwards is "race car".|
With that, he leapt from the bridge and landed on a trampoline below. The trampoline is now in hospital with serious bone fractures. Et Jesus however went back to his job as Darth Vader and ended up starring in four best selling movies. Et Jesus died at the ripe age of 384.
|GO KILL YOURSELF!!! - The phrase most used by Et Jesus's followers.|