Evander Holyfield

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“My god, his ear was delicious!”

~ Mike Tyson on Evander Holyfield

Evander "The Salamander" Holyfield (1962- ) is a professional boxer, unicyclist, and ballerina. He is the current World Boxing Federation champion, but nobody cares. He has very shifty weight, as he tends to change weight classes at least three times a day due to eating habits. In addition to that, Mike Tyson chewed his ear off in 1997, which, according to Tyson, tasted like a mix of steak, chili, steak sauce, fish and chips and frozen peas.

Early life[edit]

Evander shoots his siblings.

Holyfield was born and raised in Alabama, along with his siblings: Wolfgang, Samantha, Alexander, Alexandra, Sandra, Andrew, and Barney. His parents were never really around much, so he beat on his older siblings, and always lost. This helped his build self esteem, mental toughness, physical strength, and a third eye. One day, he decided that he'd had enough bullshit, and he shot Wolfgang and Sandra with a Colt .45, and used their dead bodies as punching bags. This helped his develop stamina, agility, more mental toughness, and an appetite. This appetite would later be the cause of his fluctuating weight class, depression, anxiety, anger, and grief. A couple years later, he discovered that they actually had a home gym. He began to cry like a pussy. Ten days later his parents actually came home for once. Unfortunately, it turned it to be only a paedophile and a transvestite. The paedophile attempted to rape him, but his now kickass fighting skills helped him kill the paedophile. The transvestite ran away after her his identity was revealed. Evander was quite happy, as he now had three punching bags. He kept at it and one day, he fought in an amateur match. Afterwards, a manager offered him a contract. Evander told the man that he didn't sign anything without his slimy dirtbag lawyer. Later, they all met up and Evander signed the contract. His dream had come true. He was a prostitute boxer. Since all his older siblings were dead, he was like a father to he younger siblings. In other words, Evander was a rich daddy!

Career as a Boxer[edit]

Evander hasn't really had much of a career. He has gone undefeated, but nobody cares. Mike Tyson bit off his ear in match, but we'll talk about it later. So for now, Evander had to start off easy; the first person he KO'd was a eunuch in the audience. Why? The match had ended when the other boxer didn't show up. Evander was pissed, so he went berserk and decided that punching a eunuch would be great fun. And it was, too!

After the match against the eunuch, Evander went and apologised. The eunuch said he was okay. The next day they went on a date, and Evander proposed to the him. The eunuch accepted, and they were married a year later. Evander now had a family to care for.

Li'l Evander Loses His Ear[edit]

As soon as Mike Tyson found out about Evander getting married, he was pissed, due to the fact that the eunuch was his brotha. He decided that his best bet was to kill Holyfield and marry the eunuch. So he developed his plan. He would cut Holyfield's jugular vein with a butcher knife. However, when he put his plan into action, he had two problems, unknown to him at the time. Being as stupid as he was, Mike had forgotten the butcher knife at his grandmother's house, and he thought that the jugular vein was in the left ear. He lunged at Evander's left ear and bit it off. But Evander, being as awesome as he was, pulled out a Colt .45 and shot Tyson right between the eyes. He got suspended from boxing for the rest of his life.

Career as a eunuch-cyclist[edit]

Since he was banned from boxing, Evander went into a deep depression. In 1999, he attempted suicide, but accidentally castrated himself. He asked his husband what he would now be able to do with his life. He told him that he could now become a eunuch-cyclist.

Becoming a eunuch-cyclist would be a long journey.

Evander's main problem was that he had not been ritually castrated. He had two choices: Sew his testicles back on, then be ritually castrated, or defy the world of eunuch-cycling. He chose the latter, and with the support of his husband, convinced the Elders of Eunuch-cycling that ritual castration was not necessary. At first, the Elders had decided that it was a terrible idea, and that he should not have been able to even be within twenty metres of a eunuch-cycle or a eunuch-cyclist. But they then decided that they could make history, so they did.

Evander's training began with him eunuch-cycling around town, giving people the finger if they looked at him. He ultimately spent too much time on his eunuch-cycle, and it began to fuse into his penis. Finally, he went and saw the doctor about it. The doctor said that this problem was actually quite common among bicyclists and eunuch-cyclists. He prescribed a cream that Evander could put on it every night until his penis eunuch-cycle fell off. After six months of treatment, his eunuch-cycle fell off. He now put on a condom penis protector each time he rode his eunuch-cycle.

Finally, he was made an official eunuch-cyclist by the Council of Elders of Eunuch-cycling. He rode in many competitions, but never got first place. He once got second place in a practice run, but that was the best he ever did in a competition. However, he enjoyed eunuch-cycling, which was the most important thing in the world to him. So, overall, Evander was fairly happy with himself, but started to grow bored with eunuch-cycling. He needed another sport to balance it out. He considered tiddlywinks, but found that it was too manly for his feminine tastes.

Career as a ballerina[edit]

After he tried tiddlywinks, the ghost of Mike Tyson redirected him to ballet. Evander attended several dances, and decided that he liked it quite a bit. He asked one of the ballerinas afterwards, but she just started pointing at him and laughing. But despite being doubted, Holyfield set out on his quest to become a ballerina. He studied and worked hard, and became a professional ballerina in 2001. During his career, Evander won five pink cups. If you're wondering what the pink cup is, it's the highest award in ballet. Then, in 2006, Holyfield made a move that revolutionized professional ballet. He created a new type of ballet, doubles ballet. Doubles ballet has two sets of partners working together. The cache is, one set of partners is two ghosts. So, it was Evander, his husband, The Ghost of Mike Tyson, and an unknown poltergeist. The team was extraordinary. They would have been inducted into the Ballet Hall of Fame, but everyone in the audience always got scared by The Ghost of Mike Tyson and his face tattoo, thus everyone crapped in their pants.

Holyfield retired from his ballerina career in 2008, after 7 successful years. He currently resides in a Columbian mine field.

See also[edit]