Eve Online

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Eve Online.

“THIS ARTICLE SUCKS. EVE'S PLAYERS ARE AS BORING AS THE GAME. FIX IT, YOU FAT NERDS!”

~ Random troll on this article

“Why didn't I think of this?”

~ God

“Were did my ship go???”

~ AFK'ing NOOB

“There was a flash of light and my ship turned into an egg, did I just lvl up?”

~ Random Noob in local channel

In the 1960s, to simulate the effects of intense psychological torture upon participants in Mars missions, NASA designed a computer program. Subjects would be strapped to chairs and put into the game, told to plot a Course from Venal to Esoteria (Good names eh) and stay awake as they manually jumped to each of the 140 systems en route. The death rate amongst participants was 99%, except one man who decided he actually quite liked it, so the project was cancelled. However, in 2003, a bunch of Icelandic hippies bought the program and decided to release it as a game. In honor of the 99 dead astronauts, these Hippies (known as the Collectors of Crappy Programs) decided to make it so the game was so unappealing to 99 out of every 100 people that tried it so that the original uptake of people was preserved. Thus, EVE Online was bored I MEAN born.

There is so much to do in EVE, such as... uhm...

Travel[edit]

A long time ago when EVE came out players were required to spend 10 years of gaming time to travel between systems. Oh wait they still do.

Warp Drive[edit]

Warp >>> When Chuck Norris played EVE briefly on an internet cafe, he got so pissed off at how slow his ship travels that he round house kicked the EVE online universe to have warp dives. Let us now pray to Chuck for his wonderful idea. That saved us our lives and $20000000 worth of playing time to travel 1000 miles.

Gate Travel[edit]

Star gates are of an unknown origin. Some say that the ancient victims of bat fuck insane randomly pressed some buttons on an apple laptop and inserted the forumla for warp travel between stars. Shortly after this the bat fuck insane guy's head exploded and a fragment hit Queen Elizabeth 2nd's face and the amount of blood on her face caused her head to explode and pissed off the english who invaded America who sent nukes randomly around the place and caused the Earth to explode and incidentally created the EVE gate. Others have no idea what the hell this guy just wrote.

Jump Drives[edit]

HACK HACK HACK. Allows you to go from one system to the other (that happens to be over the other side of the galaxy) in one jump. That's gay. I spent 6 hours to get like a 10th of the way across the galaxy, only to find out that I have been pwned by some n00b with a caldari titan.

Combat[edit]

Welcome to te comat section. If you do not have a PHD in EVE combat, then turn back. Imagine spending half an hour just to load your guns to find out that you havn't actually put the ammunition in your railguns. WARP INTO COMBAT and get a message saying: you are out of ammunition. Check your cargo hold. If it's not there, and you left it at some random Amaar navy testing factilities, then you're a n00b. Like me...

Types of Combat[edit]

Combat can occur against non-player characters (NPCs), which is called PvE (Player vs Enviornment); or against other players, called PvP (Player vs Player).

There are a a number of wildly varying and exciting PvE situations, such as missions, in which you warp to a location, click your modules and wait until it's over; plexes, in which you warp to a location, click your modules and wait until it's over; and wormholes, in which you warp to a location, click your modules and wait until it's over.

EVE's PvP is even richer, involving complex scenarios, such as warping to a location, clicking your modules, and waiting until it's over.

Combat in 0.0 is so exciting, the EVE software reduces the frames per second to .2, or even .1, fps. This is done in order to avoid injuring players with excitement overload.

Combat differs significantly from other aspects of the game, such as mining, in which you warp to a belt, activate your modules and wait until it's over; or exploration, in which you warp to an exploration site, activate your modules, and wait until it's over.

Hit Points and Damage[edit]

Yes they have that. They don't have some random shit made up by a n00b operating a computer with a twig and a jar of jalapenos. Cliches are good sometimes. EVE disagrees which is why they have 4 different typed of damage: Thermal, Kinetic, Explosives, Electromagnetic crap. Just to make everything nice and hard and your PHD in EVE combat worth while.

Damage And Their Themes[edit]

Each race has a theme when it comes to weapons, damage types, and absorbing damage. The Amarr absorb damage with their Armor and employ lasers which inflict EM and Thermal damage. The Caldari absorb damage with their Shields and employ missiles, rail guns and blasters. Missiles are capable of any damage type, while hybrids (that is rail guns and blasters) are only capable of kinetic and thermal damage. The Gallente typically absorb damage with armor while using drones, blasters, and sometimes rail guns to inflict damage, but blasters suck and can't hit anything after a few meteres, so they just launch drones. Drones possess the advantage of being able to inflict any damage type. Finally, the Minmatar sort of absorb damage with both shields, duct tape and armor while shooting their targets with ship mounted BB guns and sometimes missiles. Their projectiles (that is artillery and autocannons) can do any damage type, but most do explosive and kinetic.

Turrets and Missiles[edit]

Turrets have many attributes which can cause them to be less effective in many circumstances. They have ranges, which when the target exceeds that range, the turrets fall-off comes into play. Also, turrets are limited by tracking speeds and signature resolutions. Damage is significantly reduced when target's speed is just over turret tracking speed and becomes nonexistence just after that. Signature resolutions of turrets interact with signature radii of targets. If the target's signature radius is smaller than the turret's signature resolution, then damage will be reduced. This reduction is based on the area of the target's radius as a percentage of the area of the turret's radius as described by signature resolution.

Missiles have similar attributes which can be cause for reduction in their effectiveness. Missiles suddenly disappear into fat space when they reach their maximum flight time. Additionally, Missiles have varying flight speeds and times, giving them variety in ranges. While the explosion radius of a missile operates much in the same way as signature resolution does for a turret, explosion velocities are a bit different from tracking speeds. The workings behind explosion velocity are unknown, but there has been extensive player testing. The player base has discovered one thing; if you shoot a missile at any moving ship, you are likely not going to cause much damage at all.

Non-Combat[edit]

There are lots of things to do in EVE. while most pepole will go to the dark side(carebearing) there are a few pepole who will dicide to do into the industrial line of work(Dark Side is WAY more awsome).

Mining[edit]

Shooting lasers at rocks for 7 hours straight will get you a Frigate. Its the kind of career in EVE that is recommended to watch porn while you click your modules and wait until it's over. Luckily, you can control your ship with just the mouse, leaving your other hand free to enhance viewing porn.

Empires[edit]

There are 7 Empires who operate under the protection of Concord, 5 of which are founding members. They are the Amarr Empire, the Caldari State, the Gallente Federation, the Jove Directorate, the Minmatar Republic, the Ammatar Mandate, and the Khanid Kingdom. The first 5 of them are the founding members.

Khanid Kingdom[edit]

The Khanid are at war with the Minmatar and the Gallente, but allow corporations from both of those states to freely operate within their space, and do not fire upon Minmatar and Gallente militia members that enter Khanid space.

Amarr Empire[edit]

Although the Amarr Empire spans less systems through jump gates than the Caldari, Gallente and Minmatar, they span 40% of the volume of Empire space. This is a symptom of the fact that the Amarr Empire does have the greatest capacity to replace and grow their fleet. The Amarr Empire is feudalistic in nature and has an Emperor who gives direction to those under their rule.

The closest allies to the Amarr Empire are the Caldari State, Ammatar Mandate and the Khanid Kingdom. While the Minmatar Republic despises them the most, the Gallente Federation and Jove Directorate also do not approve the the Ammarian ways of holding African slaves... wait no, that's Minmatar slaves. And sexy white Sebiestor slaves.

In summary, the Amarr are basically space Mormons.

Caldari State[edit]

The Caldari State has placed more stations and star gates among systems than any other empire, but not by much. They inhabit the third most amount of space, making them average in that regard compared to the other Concord founding members. Despite the fact that anarchocapitalism has been proven to NEVER work, somehow Caldari space attracts the most pod pilots. This may be attributed to the early on descriptions of the four starting Empires, along with how fucking sexy the Civire look. The former issue has since been rectified... but the issue of every woman and gay man (and even most straight men) wanting a burly Civire man to stick his huge penis in their vagina/anus has not been resolved, even though the toughest-looking Civres are mainly carebears (i.e., engage in player-versus-environment, not player-versus-player, activities). By now, you've googled Civire, so take some time to masturbate and come back to read the rest of this article. Also, the fact that most Caldari are forever-noobs that never leave highsec space didn't really help the issue of unbalanced Empire populations.

The Caldari ships suck at everything except launching missiles. The Caldari also get shot by CCP nerf guns but that's okay because no one actually likes them.

The Caldari State allies itself closely with the Amarr and their offshoots. They have ties with the Jovians, but that may be due to proximity rather than ideological similarities. Their greatest enemy is the Gallente Federation, though they do have the occasional skirmish with the ghetto race.

Gallente Federation[edit]

The Gallente Federation began when a group of French Homosexuals went through the EVE gate before it collapsed. Upon arrival in the new galaxy, they all anal butt-fucked eachother. After they were done, they decided to estabilish a permanent butt-fucking colony. Thus became the Gallente Federation.

If you see anybody who plays a Gallente Charecter in Eve, it is your duty to mock and harass them for picking such a shitty race. Seriously. The Minmatars are better then them and they are black. On the plus side the Gallente always have that really expensive ass high class beer in their fridge, so if you befriend one you can mooch off of them. Alternatively, when you break into ones house you can make a stop at the fridge and enjoy an expensive cold one while sodomizing their wife.

Minmatar Republic[edit]

The Minmatars are a bunch of black people who sit around all day playing basketball and drinking grape soda.

Every once in a while, they decide to make a space ship out of duck tape and cow shit, and send it into orbit where it is hijacked by space gangsters and used to run over your grandmother. Most Minmatars also remember some vague past about being enslaved or something like that, and some of them use it as an excuse to be angry all the time.

If you encounter a Minmatar in space, just give him your money and hope he doesnt rape your children.

Jove Directorate[edit]

The Jovians are sneaky space ninjas who live very secret lives. Some people speculate that they roam the stars eating children's souls, but this is widely regarded to be an urban myth.

However, the Jovian threat is very real. Remember this; They are better then you at everything.


'FEAR THE JOVIANS, FOR THEY SHALL COME WITH THEIR CRAZY ASS OP-HAXX SHIPS AND BLOW UP YOUR PLANET!!'

Skill System[edit]

EVE Online operates on a retarded 'carrot on a stick' leveling system that was put in place to make you pay for EVE longer. They make skills take set amounts of time, sometimes even taking a month to train one skill, so they can make you pay for barely even playing. If you just start the game, your options are incredibly limited. EVE is not a game for new people, as you have to play for a year to compete with anyone PvP-wise.


If you don't want to play a game filled with psuedo-intellectual assholes who think they are better then you because they found out about the game before you did (that's skill to them) then go play WoW. It may be filled with retards but atleast the retards don't try to pretend they are smart.