God Thinks this article Epitomizes all the Sins of mankind. Yet, in His infinite Wisdom, God has
Foreseen the necessity of Terrible articles like this one, and Will accordingly Tolerate it until
…you shall all burn in Hell, however.
“Everything to the glory of the Flying Spaghetti Monster”
Everythingincluding that wordand that wordand that wordand this word?FUCK YOU!!! is a phrase that commonly refers to everything, except life and the universe. Since life and the universe by themselves could be said to encompass pretty much everything, Douglas Adams is a madman.
History of Everything
Everything contains everything
Fossilized remnants of Everything have been found in the Beijing region, delivering the final proof that Everything was invented by Chinese scholars well before its introduction in the West. Since then Everything has expanded to its present state, encompassing mostly all there is.
The history of Everything can be separated into 3 stages.
- A lot
- African things
- More and more
- Nikola Tesla
- All Beatles albums
- Everything else
The Future of Everything
Certain everythingologists have predicted that in the future of everything a lot of stuff will happen. They back this up by saying that "something's gotta happen".
How to identify Everything
- It's the Butterworth.
- Everything is No thing.
- to identify Everything, since Everything is anything, so if you ever see anything, you can be confident you have seen Everything, and therefore you will know Everything. Simple really. Not to mention, everything is forty-two. That will make it easier to lick. But for god sakes...dont forget poland.
- Everything is the opposite of nothing.
That thing I just deleted: - I closed my eyes first. Then - I multiplied 0 by -1 and get 0. -- Rdococ (not signed in) / Macroes TruthChecker
Everything and Everything
“This is getting ridiculous, I can't walk down the street without everything getting in the way.”
“Evrythng?OMFG!!u mean evrythngggg????no wy!!!!1111Hly crp!!Nw d wrld wll noe ive a crsh o ma math tchr!!.”
Don’t under any circumstances confuse Everything with everything, for this might be the last thing you do. Everything does not like everything, and finds it very insulting to be compared to it, and will kill anything that compares it to everything. (Imagine Everything trying to kill you, you wont survive) Since anything trying to kill you means that everything is trying to kill you, it can be assumed that you are suicidal and need institutionalization. Only one man has ever beaten Everything, and that man is No-one (remember not to confuse No-one with no one.)
In 2004, it was proven that mcdonalds will kill anything to make money, from their quote, " We dont care 'how' many people are sick, we will not stop until we have killed every existing animal to make money "
Everything IS Everything
- this everything is not the magical pixie everything. this is the everything that the magical pixie everything, believes in.
Everything is everything like nothing is nothing. But when everything is everything, everything gets confusing because everything is a lot of things. Say you put everything in a room, that would mean that EVERYTHING is in the room and that nothing is outside the room. But if everything was in the room, who would be the one putting everything in the room. Surely you are part of everything and therefore, would be in the room like everything else. That would mean that no one is putting everything in the room which means that NOT everything is in the room. But say you put everything else in the room first, and then put yourself in the room. How would that work? How would you know that the room is big enough for everything in it and that nothing is outside? Who would be checking that everything is inside and something is not outside? I guess you could find a room with no windows, but even with no windows, would you be able to fit everything in? And by everything I mean EVERYTHING in the world. But wait, isn't the world part of everything? shouldn't that be in the room too, like everything else? BUT WAIT, surely the room is part of everything, HOW WOULD THE ROOM BE IN THE ROOM LIKE ALL THE OTHER EVERYTHING'S THAT ARE IN THE ROOM? Alright, STOP, RELAX AND everything will go back to normal, BEFORE you read this. BUT if you choose to keep pondering about everything, then everything will become a blur. Everything will BECOME everything and eventually everything WILL BE everything.For now, I will stop and let your brain calm down and not asplode because everything is all your brain can think about and everything is a lot for a brain considering that everything can't even fit into a room. A room is bigger than a brain so what chance does a brain have, against everything?
What to Do if You Encounter Everything
- Don't move
- Tell it to fuck off
- Smoke candy
- Eat Cheetos (on a Bean Bag...naked in the snow on a Tuesday with flamingos holding roses in their beaks while dancing to Britney Spears and playing bocce ball over a good theological conversation concerning bovine freedom from the tyrannical empire of Zimbabwe, of which enslaves the jello moles of Texas, forcing them into a life of cannibalism that destroyed the love of my dreams, Jane Fonda whose name of course starts with a J. Which is rated r in select theatres january 24th)
Usually these handy steps will work, but if not you will have to defend yourself. Avoid small things, such as twigs, nails, or Karl Malone's penis. If used against Everything, she will swell over 500 times her size and it will not affect her. You need big things, like your mom. Throw these large weapons at her repeatedly until she surrenders (which she won't).
your only hope
all there is to do is hope that a pwner such as Chuck Norris or Samuel L. Jackson happens to also encounter everything within the next couple of minutes. then just hope that he will kill you both before you am die a more hideous death at the hands of everything.
The only way to truly defeat Everything is to recruit The Chaser's War on Everything. They'll know what to do.
Proper Ways to Be Eaten By Everything
Don't try to go in feet-first. This will hurt her tummy. Go in head-first. This way you can have a nice view of her throat tattoos. Gross.
Proper ways to avoid being eaten by Everything
If you wish to avoid this situation, just remember the saying “family is everything” so naturally this means Family = Everything, so all you have to do to avoid being eaten by everything is to:
a) Eat your family first
b) Don’t clean yourself
c) Stop, hammer time.
d) Eat the teletubbies.
e) Bathe At least once a month. (While Singing "What Is Love!")
f) Stick a broom in your ass like a fuckwad.
g) Vaccum your lawn (yes I said your lawn as in the grass outside your house)
h) Don't eat dinner at the in-laws. Ooh. Vicious.
i) Have more creativity than the person who wrote (f)
Improper ways of consuming everything
2) Upside down
3) In zero gravity
4) On the moon.
5) During Lord of the Rings.
6) During The 164th Episode of Naruto and 33rd Episode Of Pokemon.
7) While Drinking Chocolate milk.
9) With Utensils (Sporks are acceptable, however.)
10) With a Straw
11) Your Mom.
12) With alcohol
13) While you're driving
14) While speaking Taiwanese
15) Or Russian, come to think of it
16) While making a Russian Reversal Joke
17) By NOT consuming everything
18) NOT enjoying eating everything
19) While at Sweating to the Oldies LIVE!