Evil Pizza

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“...And it's all because of that freakin' pizza!”

~ Barret from Final Fantasy 7 on Evil Pizza.

“It's evil!”

~ captain obvious on evil pizza

“It's just $20!”

~ Wal★Mart on Evil Pizza.

Evil "Kneivel" Pizza with balls on top!!!!!!!!!!!!!![edit]

Evil Pizza (or Zombie P. to his homeys) is a mysterious being, a pizza that is a vortex that collects all the evil in the world. He has been known to commit murder, grand theft, graffiti, attempt prevent assassinations of George W Bush, blackmail Chuck Norris, and other evil things. Let us look more at this evil creature.

His Dark (sorta) History[edit]

Evil Pizza was originally believed to have been a rotten, 3-month-old pizza in the back of some n00bs fridge ( many believe it was Darth Vader's fridge, but this hasn't been proven). When Evil Pizza was finally thrown out, he landed in a dumpster filled with nuclear waste, which further finished his mutation. It was the same ooze that was responsible for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. After fully mutating, Evil Pizza went on a murderous rampage, the infamous "Pizza Party Slayings" the summer and winter of 2003. Anyone who ordered pizza, including Pencil turtles, had a 150% chance that Evil Pizza would wind up in their home and kill them. His rampage ended when he briefly possessed a (then) 13-year-old and 739-pound fat chick named Bernice. Bernice is a 3rd cousin to ima ideit. Evil Pizza fell in love with Bernice and decided to be good (but he still was very disgusting). Later, early in 2004, Bernice was pregnant with twins. Even though Evil Pizza insisted that he hadn't slept with her, they got married in March of that year. They weigh 4400 pounds each.

Pizza With The Works[edit]

Evil Pizza, with my cat sleeping on him.

As mentioned earlier, Evil Pizza is about the size of a large pizza. In plainest form, he is a purple pizza with purple sauce and intestines for crust. He also has three purple tentacles, two of which are his arms. The third is capped by his bloodshot eyeball. These are his most noticeable features. His pizza box has a simple pizza logo on it (he's not from Domino's or Pizza Hut. Also, Pizza the Hutt is not related to Evil Pizza). Its old, dusty, moldy, and is probably leaking drool. On the bottom of the box is a power sander, which Evil Pizza uses to get around. If the pizza man ever gives you a box like this, quickly through it out a window immediately. If any purple tentacles are hanging out (or you live in a windowless room) it is already too late for thou. Be prepared to be fused for all enternity with a pizza whose toppings include rotten pepperoni, piles of poo, lava, fur, urine, man-eating plants, concrete, brains, Cubed Barbra Streisand, and basically anything you would expect in a dump, a compost-heap, an armory, and an evil scientists' laboratory.

The size of Evil Pizza is due to discreptency. Originally he was a 20 inch extra-large pizza, but his radius has grown to become unmeasurable as he has collected more toppings. Outside of him, Evil Pizza is basically his extra-large size and has few freaky toppings. He can change size, sometimes extending himself and his box to completely fill rooms. At other points he has taken over whole houses. He can also cause people to shrink. In combination with his growing in size, this allows someone to view all of his toppings. When someone is inside him, he appears to be country sized (approx. the area of Yugoslavia). He can shift all of his toppings at a mere whim, and his friends and family have often hiked all over him, although they mention it's not the place to live full-time.

The ice-cream invented by Slimer runs through one of Evil Pizza's livers

It is very hard to figure out what goes on in the mind of Evil Pizza. His IQ fluctuates daily, ranging from 253 to -27.5. Any idiot can obviously tell that Evil Pizza is crazy, but psychiatrists still feel the need to definitively define Evil Pizza's craziness. The following list shows what Evil Pizza is and is not;

1)Evil Pizza is not a n00b. He will never be a n00b. No matter how hard you n00bs wish you had someone as cool as Evil Pizza related to your kind, he will never be.

2)Evil Pizza is not really a dumbass, but is considered one because of the Dumbass Syndrome. Reason? Evil Pizza loves Your Mom jokes; this is his favorite one:

“Your Mom is so fat, when she wears brown people wonder what could crap a turd that big!”

4)Evil Pizza is not completely 1337. He is more like 54% 1337. Most nerds consider him too digusting to be 1337. 3v1l P1224 ])035 |\|0+ K4123.

5)Evil Pizza is not goth. While he has the same fetishes as them, goths consider him either not serious enough or not dead enough to be goth. He can, and will, sack empires as he chooses.

6)Evil Pizza is a pirate, and is proud to be one. His pizza box is quite the ship, and he often sails around the world to steal stuff. He is his own crew. He would like to leave a note for ninjas: Holograms do not hurt your enemy, only real attacks.

An Evil Pizza-like character was once used in a children's book. Scary, isn't it.

Living The Quiet(er) Life[edit]

Evil Pizza has found that he actually likes family sex. His obese, teenage, glasses-wearing wife and him usually enjoy eating contests, long walks, long sessions on the toilet, dumpster diving, bowling, watching horror movies and sleeping. This dosn't help her eating disorder.

For more family friendly activities, Evil Pizza and Bernice take their twin daughter fatties to restaurants, all-you-can-eat-buffets, amusement parks, different eras in time, and different planets. Otherwise, the girls (Shirly and Cindy) spend the day at day care, where they are the fattest kids there. Evil Pizza insists that his daughters will grow to be Tag-Team Sumo Wrestlers.

However, even though Evil Pizza doesn't commit big, sinister acts of evil anymore, he still commits minor acts of evil. Recently, he has to love coming up with random phrases that fit the Acronyms on Uncyclopedia. He is also quite the plumber, and enjoys messing up exsisting plumbing with his own crazy designs. If your waste water comes out of your faucet and shower, Evil Pizza has probably struck your home. His recent exploits include The Bubonic Plague from the Dark Ages, the "skunk flu" out break of 1973, the hippie-massacre commonly referred to as "Woodstock II", the nuclear fallout of 2005, and the Stock Market crash of 2609.