Expats

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Typical expat, note beard, bad shirt, and beverage
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An Expat is a person [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] who has been expelled or other wise forced to leave their home home country, so as to inflict their views upon innocent inhabitants of another (preferable poorer) country than their own. An Expat is not an immigrant! The difference being that an Expat is cool and rich whereas an immigrant is some poor person moving to a rich country to steal low paying jobs from honest folks. As an Expat you continually think about (and remind others) how cool you are; whereas immigrants have better things to think about.

It should be noted, an Expat is ONLY an Expat after having lived in Expatria for years numbering one more than their IQ. Technically speaking this qualifies even the Seppo community to enter into Expatria, though they are widely regarded as a right old whiny bunch. Most people think they should simply get the fuck back to where they came, hence schengen was created

Word Origins[edit]

  • The word "expat" is derived from "ex" and "patria". This translates to being without fathers, or simply, "bastard".
  • Another common term for an "expat" is "Twatpat" - the true origins of this word are unclear but it pretty much speaks for itself

Expat does not mean the same as:

  • Expatriot isn't even a word you moron, but would probably be someone who doesn't like some President at all.
  • Ex Patriot (see: Football) is like some guy who played too many games and got a concussion and then beat his wife until the cops busted his kneecap which effectively ended his professional career so he could go back to selling crack.
  • Exsplat is a failed expat who after seeing he really is a no talent bum, jumps off the highest bridge in whichever country he has fled to.
  • TwatPat is considered to be the accepted way to address a long time expat who has failed in all walks of life. The TwatPat will have 'rebuilt' his/her life and lowered their standard of living to something that Fred Flintstone would have been proud of. Go Wilma, go!!! Seriously, Wilma, leave him, he's a deadbeat!!!!

The world of Expats[edit]

The land of Expatria is ruled by an evil Fuehrer and his obedient Queen. Together they and their Black Knight rule with a fist of steel.

Many Danes leave the Viking country which is small, dull and boring for better shores such as Sweden, Norway or Belgium, only to end in Expatria and find them selves dominated by the Fuehrer.

Geographic Locales[edit]

Prague is a very popular expat hangout.

Another very popular place is The People's Republic of China

Also Berlin.

Also Barnsley.


Expat Etiquette[edit]

Tip

Though it sometimes seems that you understand the rules and etiquette involved in the Expat world. BEWARE one fo-par, and you will be extracised in a way that Linda Blair wasn't.

Simultaneously, as an Expat, it is considered good etiquette to take pride in paying only local prices, regardless of one's income. Then one should complain loudly in English about the service and refuse to tip. Although having fantasies of living like a Rajah are not a requirement for expat living, they are quite common.

It is also common to look down upon the stupid locals who know nothing about their own country or how it should be managed. Also making fun of the local dress is a favorite or even bathing habits. Expats refuse to alter their dressing style and will die before wearing socks with sandals even if all the natives wear them. One good example can be found at the discussion on this forum thread.

While refusing to adopt the ways of the locals, it's essential to trash your own home country and its government. To eat at McDonald's is taboo, unless nobody sees you. Paradoxically a Starbucks is the coolest thing in the world, unless you're a Brit expat as opposed to an American expat.


Complaints of local police and official corruption are encouraged, as are taking advantage of said corruption wherever advantageous.

Expat COC (Code of Conduct)[edit]

There is in place a set of rules to be followed and abided by. Typically these only apply to new members of Expatria and long term members of the community are permitted to go willy nilly as they please. It is widely acknowledged that so long as you are a jerk these rules do not apply. See here for examples.

Flocking[edit]

Expats tend to flock - I.E. they gather in common places where they feel at home. Bars & restaurants are typical flocking hangouts, despite constant winging from the flockers, that they are being over charged for beverages & food. Long term expats start to loose the flocking call, one they build a more permanent nest, usually attracted by low price, 24 hour Hernia Bars, top less barmaids & a puppy on a rope.

Blogging[edit]

No expat has become a real expat until they have a blog showing the world what a country they have been in for two weeks is all about. Many expats have the superpower to become an expert on any country they move to within minutes of getting off the plane.

These 'experts' then annoy the rest of the expat community by constantly posting links to their lame 'blogs' on the commonly used 'expats' websites. Despite repeated verbal slating for linking to personal blogs, these bloggers remain adamant that everyone in expat land is going to view their creation & think it informative, witty & super fun. (Not lame & naive.)

For sale[edit]

Expats are a transient species, and are generally classified as gatherers. Thus when they realize the futility of their existence, they sell up and move on. This Selling and Gathering cycle leads to the expats classifieds, a netherland even Richard Attenbourough dares not upon to tread.

IKEA[edit]

No one can really call themselves an Expats unless they can negotiate the entire IKEA without getting lost, and not missing the section where they have the kitchen ware and having to go back. IKEA is the mantra of all Expats, and they buy there just for the ability to be able to sell again.

Prices[edit]

When Expats buy and sell, they have a concept that things appreciate with age, so if you bought a bed from IKEA 18 month ago, and only slept in it twice then you should sell it for 10% more than you paid for it.

Bargains[edit]

When it comes to bargains, expats will believe anything. Tell them that there is an Apple Air 1 monht old in perfect condition for sale for $200 and to be at McDonalds at 11:30 am to pick it up, and they will be there, at least 20 of them, and none of them thinking for a minute that its odd to find such bargains on the April The First.

As these wonderful April Fools found out:

Bargain hunters

Expat Watching[edit]

There are various types of Expats, though most of them can be generally classified into one of the genus described here.

Identification in the Field[edit]

The best way to find an expat in a foreign country is to go to the nearest English speaking bar where they can be seen hanging out with other expats talking about the stupid natives. They only mix with natives to have sex or get their house cleaned cheaply. A good example of this can be learnt from a quick trip to Expatria.

Expats are usually bearded, goateed, pony-tailed, or completely metrosexual. The females are loud and can be heard from 100 meters away. Video guide link here

Expats are also "artists" To quote from the Berlin entry:

"There are a lot of smugly self satisfied "expats" from America who are here working on "important" (but rather vague) "cultural" projects, i.e. unlistenable "dance" music, unreadable books, piss poor poetry, etc" see also poets


Expats also believe busking is a valid career choice. But in order to busk, they must be a member of one of the busking unions.

F5 Syndrome[edit]

F5 syndrome is an acute form of dementia that many Expats reach in their lives. The aim of all Expats is to read everything that happens in Expatria and be the first one to comment on what ever is said. To be first, the rather frail and demented Expats will often sit at a computer, logged in and continually refreshing. This is done by hitting the F5 key, and thus the phrase F5 Syndrome.

Genus Expatius[edit]

ESL, or TEFL, Vagabonds[edit]

Hippy English teachers, traveling from town to town until run out by outraged locals, belong within the expat family. Their nasally embarrassments in the local language, as well as tragic attempts to "go native", offer amusement to other expats. Sadly, it is only these segments of the community to whom expats may reasonably feel superior in comparison.

Trustifarians[edit]

The absoulute worst kind of expat. They have been sent by their parents to a foreign country so as not to embarrass the family. Despite being rich and never having worked a day in their lives, they are usually rabid communists and support Stalin. Yet, never seem to want to renounce their trust fund.

Barbie Brides[edit]

Part of the allure of the expat lifestyle is for overage and overweight individuals to take advantage of wage and income discrepencies internationally and thereby wed a destitute and desperate aborigine. Examples of this have been found in Europe, Asia, and South America.

Frequently, these brides end up owning everything the expat had, and the expat leaves the country never to return.

Expatria[edit]

Expatria was an American soap opera that ran for only one year, from 6 July 2002 to 9 July 2003. Set in Prague, a Czech Republic resort and based around the lives of Seppo expats, the internet television channel EP1 hoped it would be as successful as Dallas and replicate some of the sunshine and glamour of imported Australian soaps such as Home And Away and Neighbours. It was made as a co-production between Fox and the independent production company Exprats.cz, and aired three times a minute using the F5 key on a computer in a high-profile daytime slot on the mainstream channel EP1, filling the 6 times hourly EP1 slot vacated by Terry Wogan's chat show Wogan, on Mondays, Tuesday, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays

In spite of a high-profile advertising campaign on television, radio and in the press preceding the launch ('Are you ready for Expatria?', read by actor Thora Hird), the programme was not initially a popular hit with viewers and critics. Ratings improved with a radical overhaul, but it was cancelled by new controller Ginny Gin Gin.

Expatria Theme Music[edit]

The theme tune was composed by a wannabe Bohemian. Lyrics were written for the closing credits of the final episode; the song, called "When You Go Away", was performed by Johnny Vegas. The full version was released as a single and included on the album New Vintage: The Best of Johnny Vegas.

Expatria Problems and criticism[edit]

Although Expatria contained many professional actors (such as Karel Gott, Arthur Mullard, Larry Hagman and Samantha Fox), many of the cast were inexperienced actors whose limitations were clearly exposed on such a new and ambitious project: prior to filming, some of the cast did not even know what a thread was; the posting was derided as amateurish, while the attempt to appear more 'European' by having people speaking other languages without subtitles or bizarre/unconvincing accents was met by viewers with incomprehension and ridicule. In one thread, Seppo character Eva Von Trump (played by herself) made a remark in American to a member of her family, then turned to Scottish resident Sputnik (played by Scott Beam-me-up) and said in English: "Isn't that right, Sputnik?", to which Sputnik replied "You're banned!", looking baffled (as were the expat audience).


Amongst Britons, Expatria is remembered as an embarrassing failure for EP1, and is sometimes used as a byword for any unsuccessful, poorly-received or over-hyped website.

Some Expats you might meet[edit]

The Führer of Expatria[edit]

The title contains the character ü. Where it is unavailable or not desired, the name may be represented as Fuehrer.) Führer is a noun meaning "leader" or "guide" in the German language, derived from the verb führen 'to lead'. In standard German it is pronounced [ˈfyːʁɐ], but in English it is usually pronounced CUNT. The Führer of Expatria is generally acknowledged as being a bit of a dimwit with no sense of humor and an immense talent for running a bit of a shoddy show

Ginny Gin Gin[edit]

The right hand of the Fuehrer, Ginny is a tame old bird in comparison to the Fuehrer. She can generally be found hanging around fruit stalls playing with her Apple

King Pedant[edit]

The King Pedant is an important & respected citizen of Expatria. Usually a middle aged man with a fondness for tedious sports like cricket. The 'king' or 'The Gay H Man' (as he likes to be called) never uses his own name (usually due to embarrassment) and typically adopts the pseudonym of his beloved football-club's ground. The 'king' is never wrong, is the fastest on the draw when search engines are involved and is liable to sulk if challenged by other 'would-be' kings. ** Distinguishing features ** The King Pedant can be recognized by his middle aged demeanor, pretend 'posh voice', beer gut (got from Claret), an overwhelming odor of vinegar and his signature cardigan. He is typically docile, but beware not to approach one from the rear as they can misinterpret this as a mating manoeuvre.


The Female Expat[edit]

Many female Expats have come and gone by the way. Typically the female Expat is in their mid to late 50's and will own either a dog or 2.4 cats, rarely venturing outside the safety of their computer room. Variations on the female Expat are far and few, although some have been known to forge one night singing in shady clubs to the misery of music lovers

Female expats who move away from some white-bread burg in the hopes of a romantic adventure are typically not their country's finest export. Having watched WWII films of peasant refugees in headscarves and hairy legs, they cross the ocean in the (sadly mistaken) hope that their itinerant frumpiness will translate successfully into "bohemian". All too often they discover that the streets in their new home were not even constructed wide enough for two of them to walk down side-by-side, and they themselves end up dressing year-round in garb not unlike that of the refugees they pitied in black-and-white.

The Troll Watcher[edit]

This is a dangerous kind of Expat and should not be approached as they may well be armed with low self esteem, bitterness and a general hatred for a fellow Expat. Also accompanied by several cats. Typical dismisses everything as infantile, yet can't tear itself away from the sport.

The Successful Troll Spotter[edit]

Highly regarded in Expatria, these are men/women of failed stature in their home country, typically old and lonely, and Lefties. Essentially they are misfits, a breakaway group was created misfits.cz however this was not to take off due to copyright issues on the word twatpat. In June 2014 this is expected to be resolved

The Fashion Cop[edit]

This expat, while wearing crocs and watching the fashion channel in their favorite club roundly denounces all that is wrong in the world of native fashion. They will scream at mullet wearing locals, spit on locals with shorts deemed too long or short, Curse out a local for wearing hite after labor day, and laugh with the other coppers about the stupid natives.


Successful Expats[edit]

To date not one successful expat has been recorded, although many Expats would have you believe they have forged successful careers abroad teaching English despite having zero talent to match their zero qualifications. Attempts at being a successful expat] have been made, though typically these business ventures have failed due to drinking the profits and offering free meals to down and out TEFL teachers

Notable Expats[edit]

Since the lost generation there have been exactly zero Notable Expats. The most Notable Expats in history was Ernest.

Ernest.jpg

Expat activities[edit]

The native home land of Expat is a place called "Expatria" they spend most of their lives living here and rarely venture into the real world. Most Expat activities are confined either Expatria but occasionally they will venture out to The Pub where they can each tell one another how great they are. They are known also to engage in other activities. Since these activities are very Expat specific they are generally not understood by Non-Ex-Pats.

The Photo Comp[edit]

Reflections

This was a monthly ritual run by Sputnik which is considered the high point of an Expats life. At its peak this competition attracts as many as 6 entrants. Winning is generally the talking point of conversation for the next year of the whiners life.

The final competition run by Sputnik was in June 2008 after Sputnik had a spat with the Fuehrer and he took his developing trays home.

In July 2008 Johnny Fatpants took over the running of the competition. This was an unprecedented shambles even though a record 7 entries were received. Entries were received late because the complexities of setting up a working gmail account were somewhat beyond the scope of Fatpants and his vodka fueled brain, this was then enhanced by the insider trading techniques of the Fuehrer as the likely winning photo was of his beloved pet puppy that Andy Jensen had stolen from him to be his gay love

Brady Bunch[edit]

As much a group as an activity. This occurs on the 17th Sunday of the solar armistice on a semi regular basis. The event is organized by the Whale Lady. Although its obvious where the Whale part of the name comes from, no one has clue what "Lady" is supposed to mean in this case. The Brady Bunch meetings are all about people that have divorced them selves form the idea of living healthy, and just want to get fat.

Ugly Baby Competition[edit]

To prove that its not just a fluke, Expats often run the Ugly baby contest to show that not only are they demented, but that the issue is genetic, and will be carried down to their children. Darwin failed here it seems.

Warning do not look at these pictures is you are eating.

Check out the winner here

and the close runner up here

Failed attempts at humour[edit]

In this case an attempt at humour ended up as a case of humor.

Expats April Fools Joke by <insert name here> is a Huge success read here Dummies guide to creating an April Fools Joke for more information.

Fraty Guys[edit]

Spot The Troll[edit]

This is a common game played at late hours of the night. To be good at the game and be the smarty pants that spots the troll first, Expats stay up till 4:00 am hitting the F5 button in the hopes of catching one. Trolls deliberately wait till these late hours to force the poor unsuspecting Expats to stay up all night, and be tired for their fun activities in the morning. Anyone caught feeding the tolls is ridiculed and sometimes forced into exile and to leave Expatria for a short period to recover from the humiliation.

How you tell everyone that you spotted the toll shows how smart and experienced you are. A true smarty pants is permitted a snide remark such as "Don't feed the toll". An amateur would yell out the name of the troll and then be ridiculed when she realizes that she spotted the wrong troll.

Toeaafling[edit]

This is a volunteer activity that many Expats undertake to help out the poor under privileged local aborigines. There are rumors that some Expats even get some pocket money for this work, but the rumours are unsubstantiated.

Brat Pats[edit]

A volunteer group of individuals closely related to the President of Expatria suffering from F5 Syndrome. Typically these are single people with bugger all in life to do other than create pages on the internet such as this one that no fecker is interested in

Expat Conversations[edit]

Here are some typical Expat Converstions

The Weather[edit]

"Gee Mom, the weather here sucks, it's freezing cold and i forgot to pack my woolens", this is an innocuous looking sentence in itself, but the conversation will carry on for weeks until the weather changes

PD[edit]

Oh, hello again. PD

Teaching English as a Foreign Language[edit]

"Really, this TEFLing lark isn't all it's cracked up to be, how will I ever earn my passage home?"

The Weather[edit]

"Gee Mom, the weather here sucks, it's boiling hot and i forgot to pack my bikini"

Nonces[edit]

"UK Nonce found living in Expatria" - this is actually an interesting discussion thread, however, the Fuehrer likes to edit out peoples comments to make this conversation unreadable and the OP then looks like a real fool

Schengen[edit]

"How can i avoid being legal now that Schengen has kicked in?"

The Weather[edit]

Shit, here we go again...

Becoming An Expat[edit]

Step 1 is to create your e-Persona your real life self in an unreal world.

For more details see: Joining the Freemasons.

Maintaining Expat Status[edit]

Essentially, the key to maintaining your Expat status is to be as boring online as you otherwise would be in real life. Topics to discuss can range from cricket to flower arranging - at no point should you attempt to be interesting, this is considered a no-no in Expat circles and is highly frowned upon.

Expat Marriages[edit]

Generally said, your typical expat found a lovely and pretty Czech lassie, gagging for an English yo, or American bore to bag in bed before diddling him right royally out of his hard earned cash.

However, recent advances in internet technology have allowed these barriers to widen further to include such delights as South Africans to indulge in this highly popular Expat activity.

The most famous, and more significantly the first to set a precedent in allowing this widening, was the online marriage of The Bore Expat to Boreness Expat, nee Lady Jane Flora

The online ceromony was a wondrous occasion, attended by up to 80,000 visitors. However, thes figures were disputed and it is said that actually only three attended this wedding, the rest were made up figures to bolster the said popularity of Expatria

Doubts as to how long the marriage lasted, and indeed if they ever met or nobbed each other are unclear. It is believed they are the only Expat virgins existing in Prague.

Expat Fashion[edit]

This does not exist. Common theories on this are generally linked to the Expats inability to earn a decent wedge and thus tend to wear the same clothes they wore when they got off the boat.

To be a true (male) Expat of course, one needs to buy oneself a pair of hair clippers and have a lop sided skinhead cut. Pony tails and mullet cuts are scorned upon in Expatria of late. A true male Expat will also use hair clippers to trim pubic hair to the obvious delight of the local ladies.

Exiled Expats (Ex-Expats)[edit]

These are the best Ex-Expats to meet, mostly these rare creatures are recovering Weboholics who have realised the errors of their ways and are taking steps to recovery. They are hated by the Expat community although normal people welcome them with open arms.

Expats of the Future[edit]

As many expats would remember from back "home" The Future is Orange, and all Expats dream of a day when all Prague Expats could move to the land of Orange.

Trivia Section[edit]



See also[edit]