“Those "so called experts" don't know shit.”
“Stand back guies, i iz uber expert.”
“WE'RE NOT WORTHY!!!!!!!”
An Expert is someone that is simply better than you. Get over it you sissy. Experts come in all different categories, and usually are posses god like powers. These Experts were sent down to heaven to help us normal people out with our everyday lives. They are better than all of us. We are not worthy. Bow to them. Now.
When experts were first put on Earth, they were far superior to the peasants and slaves that had plagued the land for eons. So when the experts came along, they taught their skillz to them. Unfortunately, this plan backfired. Under the leadership of Doctor Octogonapus, the slaves and peasants finally possessed the neccesary skillzorz, and they ran a rebellion against the Experts and took rule over the world shortly after. They then enslaved the experts that had taught them and forced them into watching clips from Batman and Robin for the rest of eternity. Anarchy, however, proves to be inefficient in societies. This would come around to bite the former peasants in the ass. Eventually their own people turned against them, refusing to believe their malicious propaganda. The rebellion didn't last long,for Dr.Octogonapus's lazor proved to be too powerful for the rebels. To this day, the world is still secretly ruled by "The Experts", using the United Nations and Leaders of countries as pawns to carry out their evil plans. They cannot be stopped. We are not worthy.
While for most of us, being owned in a debate is a good test for who's an expert in what, some groups wished to have a "more objective standard." They came up with these standards while huffing kittens. Usually, the standards are more like penis size contests than anything else.
Scientists agree that the best way to be an expert is to have the most papers. Therefore, scientists often subscribe to over ten papers, such as the New York Times. The most widely respected scientist, Richard Feynman, actually started over twelve different papers just to increase his standing.
Wikipedia claims that, "An expert is someone who tries to fail more than non-experts." However, this is part of an elaborate conspiracy to cover up the truth behind terrible secrets at Wikipedia. Most experts cited by Wikipedia are actually dorks who live in their moms' basements with a doctorate that they purchased for $7.50 over the interwebs. The rest bought their doctorate for $2.25.
Gamblers are people who used to cheat off of people during Middle School. They are losers that can't keep down even the crappiest of jobs such as being a janitor at a Mcdonalds or being a AIG executive. Instead, they become even bigger losers by losing all their money gambling. However, an expert gambler can hold down both those jobs simultaneously and more. They can earn enough money to buy wine glasses full of cocaine and be surrounded by so many women that Chuck Norris would be jealous. However, there are huge risks. If he was to lose his money, he would be lonely and barely have enough cocaine to keep his body functioning. Eventually that person would go into relapse. He would hallucinate about Rick Astley and have strange dreams about flying monkeys. He would then commit suicide and relieve himself of the horrible images of airborne primates. This is the average life of an expert gambler.
Guitar Hero experts are those that are too lazy and lame to play real guitar, so they decided to pick up a plastic toy with colorful buttons instead. The characteristics of Guitar hero experts are that they have inhumanly long fingers, bloodshot eyes from the gallons of Monster and Rockstar they guzzle during their "stressful" lives playing Guitar hero, and the tendency to scream and curse wildly when they fail Through the Fire and Flames on expert for the 9001th time. However, they are no the only experts of this category (see List of Other Things People Are Experts In)
Ah yes, the beer drinkers. The king of sports for fat, middle aged men. For they have conquered even the most insurmountable odds such as drinking an entire keg of beer and still have the ability to punch a goat in the face. Some are able to drink entire bottles of tequila just so they have an excuse to beat their wife. Ah, the beer drinkers, experts in everything but possessing sanity. For they are the role models of young Americans and Russians alike. God Bless you beer drinkers. May you never stop beating wives and hurting innocent animals. You are the everyday hero.
Klingon is 1337 to some, and incredibly stupid to others. Over 99% of the population thinks it's incredibly stupid. The other .5% thinks that Klingon is the best thing since speaking Wookie. This legion of underground dwellers (aka live in their parent's basement)think that conventional language makes too much sense, so they though to make a language that only a retard would be able to make sense of. In other words, expert Klingon speakers are incredibly devoted to their helpless cause. Of course, the way to make any Klingon Expert cry is to break into their basements and steal all their prized Star Trek memorabilia. Also, while you're at it, steal their computer and their secret stash of Doritos. A threat such as this would make their elaborate empire collapse. The Klingon conventions would break into riots over the orange soda, and many would start having to ration their most precious items, leading to an economic depression in the Klingon empire. They would then be plagued by an endless nuclear war and never see the light of day again(oh wait...). Thus would be the end of their ways. Their, stupid, stupid ways.
Yo Mama Jokes
These experts tend to be extremely annoying most of the time, but can be funny at times. Yo mama masters (YMM) are people who specialize in pissing you off by always beating you in Yo Mama joke contests.
- <insert name here>:"Yo mama is so old she sat next to Jesus in the first grade!"
- Yo Mama Master:"Yo mama is so old her breasts secrete powdered milk!"
- Bystanders:"LOLZ <insert name here> GOT OWNED!!!"
- <insert name here>:"*sad face*"
Everyone loves them, everyone hates them, but most of the time, you just want to cut out their intestines, light them on fire, use the fire to cook marshmallows, then use the stake you put your yummy, gooey toasted marshmallow on to puncture their head and use as a decoration for your dungeon. You don't? You pansy. Anyway, they eventually set up a TV Show on MTV where they would battle in epic duels to the death. How did they kill each other? With the heart stopping power of Yo Mama jokes. You see, the contestants n this show were injected with mustard gas, so when a good Yo Mama joke is told, the attack is deemed effective and releases some of the contained mustard gas into the air, slowly killing the other Master. However, if the attack is inefficient,the mustard gas stays contained and instead kills yourself instead of the other player. Many a Yo Mama Master perished in this tournament of warriors. It became a matter of life and death very quickly. In the end, Rick James ended up winning the tournament. When asked why he was able to win, he said, "Because I'm Rick James Biotch."
IN LULZ WE TRUST
Trolling is the greatest art form known to man. It has endless possibilities, and you can never tell what an expert troll will do next. He could hack into the website just so he can make all the backgrounds into rickrolls or pornography, or he could crash your computer with a virus. In trolling, it's all done "4 teh lulz". Expert trolling is nothing new, however. Back in the early 1500's, trolling was invented by monks, who would get bored with their normal lives and start pulling pranks on the church. They would stuff herds of bull into the monastery and watch them mercilessly kill innocent monks. In addition, they would talk about provocative subjects such as getting high and sex in front of other monks, waiting for a reaction from the monks. They would also draw mustaches on the portraits of god in the monastery, much to the dismay of the chamber maids tidying up and what not. Of course this was the earliest form of "I did it 4 teh lulz", but certainty over the years trolling would evolve into something that would shake the Earth's foundation to it's very core. The Nazi's were probably the most infamous trolls in history, killing innocent Jews "4 teh lulz". They also though that turning a swastika the wrong way would be hilarious, and while they were at it,only people that had to be at least 8 feet could join the Nazi Party. These trolls would be put in the history books and everyone knows that Hitler was the greatest troll of all time, loling while the Jews were being fed to the hungry moat monsters they had set around their concentration camps, where Nazis would concentrate hard on trying to kill the Jews with their minds. This proved to be very effective in the long run as the Jews would drop dead at the Nazi's feet. Today, trolls are most commonly found in the interwebz. They are the ones who start the flame wars where two people will start TALKING IN ALL CAPS LIKE THIS BECAUSE THEY THINK THIS MAKES THEIR POINT MORE VALID. Unfortunately for them, this only makes them look even more stupid than they already are. This is why people troll, to see others flame like morons and see what random BS they will type next. These trolls however, are now raiding all over the internet, and not just in forums or chats. Several online webshows have been shut down and/or completely annihilated by trolls calling in about pools being closed and barrel rolls. These raids continue to occur, and it's only a matter of time before raids are brought to the mainstream places such as radio and television. As great of an art form as trolling is, it is loved by many and hated by most. But as they say on the interwebz, keep on trolling.
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These are the average practices of an Expert spammer.
Explosives experts are the people you go to when you need to enhance things in your life. They are trained in an academy which specializes in blowing crap up. They can even train people to master the power or mental combustion. This means that you can use your mind to make things combust spontaneously. Many a time Explosives Experts are put through tests to see if they can make heads a splode. Some pass, some fail. The ones who fail a splode. The ones who pass are sent out into the world to aid those in need of their skillz. Explosives experts have conceived some of the most ingenious weapons known to man such as:
- Nuclear Bomb
- Nuclear Missle
- Cat Tank
- Invisible Bomber
- Plasma Grenades
- Da Choppa
- Acid Mines
- The Allspark
- Fireball Cannon
Damn it feels good to be gangsta. Expert gangstas will pop a cap in yo ass and not care. Expert gangstas never get caught. Expert gangstas always call bovice to unwind and smoke some weed. Expert gangstas are always high, simply because they can be. Expert gangstas always got a choppa with em. Expert gangstas think deep. Expert gangstas are ya best friends. Expert gangstas always drop their sodas on the way out of the Burger King just so the janitor will clean it up. Expert gangstas never go tellin. Expert gangstas would join the church of Scientology just to hit on some honeys.Expert gangstas don't feel pain. Expert gangstas always leave the seat up on the toilet. Expert gangstas will never...
An expert gunman doesn't mess around. You say one thing about him that he takes to be offensive and he'll blow your f*cking head off with a Colt .45. Gun experts are common, but come in two different subcategories. This includes Long Range (Snipers, Machine Guns) and Short Range (Pistols, Shotguns) Of course, there are many more guns than the ones just listed, but we are going to elaborate.
Experts in the short range category specialize in shotguns and pistols and sometimes are good with grenades. They are always armed to the teeth, never knowing when they may have to go Rambo on someones ass, even in a grocery store. Therefore, they are looked upon as crazies and as overprotective a-holes that just wanna shoot shit. And although this is true, there have been instances of a full blown shootout in a Nursing Home. A group of 70-80 year old Vietnam Veterans out of nowhere pulled out their Glocks and starting popping caps in asses. Of course, up against one single Expert gunman they didn't stand a chance. The shotgun attacks were so brutal and controversial among the local community , that the nursing home was later deemed "unable to care for elders" and shut down. Lack of respect for them, means lack of life for you. Only another Expert gunman is able to kill an Expert gunman. Even then, most likely they end up offing each other because their skillz are so evenly matched. This is why you don't see many Expert gunmen being killed.
Experts in the long range category specialize in Sniper Rifle and Shotguns as well as rifles in general. They are always armed to the teeth, never knowing when they may have to go Rambo on someones ass, even in a grocery store. Therefore, they are looked upon as crazies and as overprotective a-holes that just wanna shoot shit. Rightfully so. The long range experts are responsible for the death and rape of John F. Kennedy. So far, in total, they have collected over 40,000 Nazi scalps and put them up in a museum for the world to see their destruction on the human race. They are sick bastards that way. Mini-guns were invented by these experts, as well as the holy hand grenade. They often have shootouts with the Short Range experts to test their skillz. Of course, the battles are often pointless because of the fact that the snipers stand too far away for the Short range guys to kill. Thus, they are left with the ducks in the nearby pond to kill mercilessly. Anyway, in short, Long range Experts and Short range Experts are the last people you will ever want to mess with on the face of planet Earth, as you never know if they may happen to carry a mini nuke in their back pocket. Trust me, I've seen it.
Failures are the AIDS that infects are society due to unprotected sex between two idiots. AIDS so powerful and dangerous that they had to close down the pool. They are the people that fail so hard and life and are so useless that they might as well be shot in the head Old Yeller style. They can out from the darkest corners of the universe to spread chaos and dismay among us. So far, their mission is going quite successfully, and if we don't do anything to stop them, they will soon rule the world and make us all into failures. Success and accomplishment will be replaced with error and mistakes. Nothing will ever get done, mankind will start devolving into the Paris Hilton-esque creatures we really are. Failures are most powerful when they are on the internet, as the fact that they can get away with virtually anything poses as the ultimate playground for an Expert in failure. This group of failures has no leader. No president. No dictator. They are out of control, maniacal freaks that are uncontrollable in their actions. This fact makes them only more powerful, and with every new bastard child being born, their legion grows stronger. Soon enough, they will outnumber us. We will be slaves to their new rule, the rule of FAILURE. However, the cure for these walking sacks of AIDS and Cancer is trying to be found in the some of the World's most advanced and highly confidential labs. They experiment with the chemical 2WIn(the chemical formula for Win) and the chemical 3SUC (the chemical formula for Success). These scientists are in a desperate race to find the cure. Meanwhile, the failures numbers are growing rapidly. 12 year olds invading the internet are the prime examples, posting their pathetic vlogs and Jackass wannabe videos. Although 12 year olds grow up and become lesser failures, more and more idiotic 12 year olds fill their place. The only way to combat them is with the power of 2WIn, but time is running out. We must keep winning, my fellow humans, we must keep winning.
Average Language of an Expert Failure
Wow dude, that party was really awesome. Translation into FAIL:OMGZ D00D, tht prty Wuz EPICZzzz!!11!!
I rule at World at Warcraft. I have two level 80 toons Translation into FAIL:I IZ EPIC PWNZORZ @ WoW!!!! I HAS 2 lvul 80 gUies!!
Dang, this lag on Call of Duty 2 is killing me! Translation into FAIL: OMFGZ, FKING LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love uncyclopedia, it's funny and clever. Translation into FAIL: I iz n <3 w/ uncyclopediua!!!!! ROFLCOPTOR!!!
I'm kind of bored, you want to go troll some people on live chat? Translation into FAIL: I HAS NO LIEF, so im gona go spamming teh boards 4 teh lulz!!!111!
12 year olds suck. Translation into FAIL: 12 yr oldz r liek ftw d00d!!!!!11! We r liek bad ass m8!!!!
MUDAH! MUDAH! MUDAH! MUDAH! MUDAH! MUDAH! MUDAH! MUDAH! MUDAH! MUDAH! MUDAH! MUDAH! MUDAH! MUDAH! MUDAH! WRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!! This is the last thing you will hear before you die at the menacing hands of a ZA WARUDO Expert. They are trained specifically to throw steamrollers or other large machines or vehicles on you and then beat the vehicle down onto your already knife battered corpse until your body is nothing but a small puddle of dark, red blood. They show no mercy towards anyone, and their infamous battle cry signaling the end is what makes them the most feared individuals on this planet Earth. They will soon have enough strength to conquer entire galaxies by steamrollering them to oblivion and then using their women as cheap hookers to send to planet Earth to do the bidding of the white man (who we all know is Satan). Zu warudo cannot be stopped, and they will continue to use alien women as prostitutes and throwing steamrollers on people. We are not worthy.
Going off in random rages for no reason
Weather it be 'roid rage or going all HULK SMASH!!!! after your friend wouldn't give you a bite of his brownie, going off in pointless rages has been around since the dawn of living things, when even the most primitive of species just needed to beat the shit out of someone for the hell of it. Raging has been popularized by the infamous Rageguy and his trademark FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU- routine, but raging is no laughing matter. People who go on random rages have been know to grow eleven arms and grow twenty stories tall. They will then proceed to go on massive genocide sprees and swallow planets whole. No, this is no acid trip, this has really happened. People who go on pointless rages usually never have any social life or friends, simply because they are assholes. srsly. I know plenty of rageaholics. Roid raging is pretty common simply because sacrificing muscles for crotch size is a pretty tough trade off, so they start throwing Rubbermaid trashcans at people and flipping over benches. But we all know that all the raging in the world will never made up for the fact that your genitalia is microscopic. Just saying.
Acting like an idiot
Now coming to a forum near you.
List of Other Things People Are Experts In
- Teeth Collecting
- Making up stupid nicknames for everyone because they suck at remembering names
- Playing music using a blade of grass
- Final Fantasy
- Prank Calling
- Assassinating French Ambassadors
- Dividing by Zero
- Farting on Command
- Creating internet memes
- Quoting lines from movies