“GO SUCK A [EXPLETIVE]!”
The very concept of expletives is not something for the weak-minded. We advise you FUCK yourselves and proceed if your JESUS TITTYFUCKING CHRIST is very stable and emotionally mature. If you can't handle this, Wikipedia will gladly MOLEST your Hyakugojyuuichi!!.
- 1 Complete Unabridged history of JIGGABOO use
- 2 Advice from real WOODPECKERSHIT ASSCRACK Hyakugojyuuichi!!s on proper use of expletives
- 3 A bunch of BOOBIES
- 4 In Conclusion
- 5 See also
Complete Unabridged history of JIGGABOO use
Since the dawn of time, man has wanted to vent his righteous frustration using non-violent means. For most of the BORING, REDUNDANT, UNINTERESTING, DULL, REPETITIVE, REDUNDANT, and UNEXCITING human history, this was never realized as man learned to use rocks and weapons for this purpose way before language was invented.
A breakthrough came when an unspecified caveman during the Neolithic Age chaotically touched his SCUMBAG Hyakugojyuuichi!! and was so dissatisfied by the results that he matured a WIENER and screamed REALLY FUCKING loudly, and out of the exotic scream came the first swear word:
His fellow nomads who were busy redecorating their caves with fresh animal skins came out and stared in surprise. Such a display of guttural fury had never before been witnessed. Not even on their ARSE mammoth hunts.
The very next day, the caveman and his drinking buddies were sitting around a bonfire when a pack of FRAK-toothed tigers attacked the group. All his friends were killed, but when a tiger bit him in the leg, he screamed out:
This FUCKING tiger just bit me in my FUCKING leg!!!
Swearing had just been taken to a whole new level. The tiger quite literally SHIT itself and ran away.
The caveman was referred to as a BUGGER for the rest of his life. And the poor bastard had to use crutches. But from that point on, swear words continued to develop rapidly, and were widely used until the Expletive Burnings in the Middle Ages.
Use of expletives in the Middle Ages
The Catholic Church frowned upon expletive use, as it seemed associated with Satan worship and disrespect of Jesus. In 1513, the Pope passed a decree ordering the burning of all users of vulgarity, especially those that dared say BITCH. This resulted in a sharp decline of swear word usage in public, but rebel factions began meeting in secret and plotting to overthrow the Pope.
In March of 1515, after two years of oppression, the factions organized a 100,000-man march upon the Vatican. Armed with nothing but loudspeakers, they shouted ASSBANDIT until the Pope dropped dead, not being able to handle such an amount of simultaneous profanity. Expletive use skyrocketed once again.
Swearing in Victorian times
Vulgarity was embraced in Victorian times by all the economic classes. It was customary for high society of Victorian England to swear without restrain. King George himself is known to have once said, "This bloody DOUCHETITS tea is so FUCKING cold my balls are about to fall the HELL off!!!"
Pirates were another group that exercised profanity all the time. Captain Jack Sparrow himself is known for his rude, offensive catchphrase of "Let's go pillage and plunder some FUCK OFF, do you savvy, you GANGBANGS?"
Though the use of expletives has declined since its peak during the Victorian Era due to New Age hippie CROTCHS, it still remains widespread today. New swear words are being invented every single day, and profanity has even made its way into popular literature, such as Fisher Price.
Recently the emergence of a phenomenon called TOSSER-Syndrome has puzzled scientists and psychologists worldwide. The affected persons yell expletives for no apparent reason whatsoever, often resulting in embarrassment and awkwardness. A typical sentence by a sufferer may sound like, Hey PIECE OF SHIT, wanna go to the FUCKING mall today at 3 in the afternoon?
Advice from real WOODPECKERSHIT ASSCRACK Hyakugojyuuichi!!s on proper use of expletives
If you really need a SHITTY guide on how to swear properly, then you really FUCKING suck. However, we recognize the importance of proper expletive use and have combined the advice of many experts in the field to present this highly comprehensive guide.
The simple expletive
Often times, an expletive said out of sheer frustration is enough to convey your message of an action or object's existential futility. Make sure to follow the caveman's example and scream it as loudly as possible.
The Direct Insult
Begin with you. Follow with an expletive.
- You DOM DeLUISE!!!
- You FUCK YOU!!!!
Unpleasant Actions in Undesirable Conditions
Begin by ordering receiver to do something vulgar somewhere offensive. Finish off with a direct insult. You may begin with an aspiration if you desire.
- ruffle in NORTH KOREA, you PRICK!
- I hope you ruffle in FUCK, you FUCKTARD!!
- Because I'm FAT fucknuts! Fooz you pimpdaddy! Momma I missed You'now Clean the shit offa my ASS
The Extremely Unpleasant Bodily Modification Method, Third Party Threat
- This JACK OFF THE GOOD GOD IN TABERNACLE will ruffle a Hyakugojyuuichi!! up your ART METAL PRODUCTS!!!
- This FUCKING JUMP! FUCKER will ruffle a Hyakugojyuuichi!! up your BANGKOK!!!
As you can see, a verb follows a specific explicit object. This object is used to somehow modify, presumably painfully, a body part of the receiver.
First Person Bodily Modification Threat
Extremely similar to the previous method, except in this case you grow some STRAWBERRY ASS and threaten the receiver yourself.
- I will FUCKING ruffle a Hyakugojyuuichi!! up your POMMIE!!!!
The Barrage of Vulgarity
Exactly what it sounds like. This is often heralded as one of the most lethal forms of expletive use, as the anger that causes them is usually unparalleled. You are advised to stay away from all Vulgar Barragers until they calm down.
- DUNE COON P'KANG YOUR MOM COON SHIT DAMN CUNT!!
- SHIT FAT, STINKING BELGIAN BASTARD CHAV ASSWIPE!!!
A bunch of BOOBIES
GOD DAMN DONALD RUMSFELD JOHN ELWAY PIG SAND NIGGER ALF FUCKSTAIN COLGATE FRIG SHITSLIDE SMEG DAGO RAT'S ASS FUCKER FUCKFACE NAZI FUCKFACE TACO FAG MOTHERFUCKER COWA-FUCKING PIECE OF DOGSHIT FUCK YOU TIT DIRT FAGGOT POLESMOKER REDNECK KITTEN HUFFING IS BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH DAMN JOHNNY PISS OFF TITTYWANK HONKY JESUS FUCKING CHRIST PISS SHITFACE PEARL NECKLACE BUGFUCK JAP BOYCOTT VIACOM! SHIT MOTHERFUCKER PIG SHIT FAG FUCK COON FUCK BASTARD SCUMBUCKET THAT WAS VERY VERY SWELL! GO HOME AND DIE EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA KIKE SOD OFF CUNNILINGUS CUNT FRED PHELPS PISS OFF SON OF AN ABERCROMBIE AND FITCH FUCKING CUNT POLAK PRICK RAPE POMMIE SHIT BIRD IN THE HOUSE WANK ASSHOLE ASSFACE FUCKFACE PUSSY SHIT DIPSHIT SHIT MY DICK GOD DAMMIT TOURETTE'S IS FUN CUNT AMAZINGLY, YOU HAVE A PENIS! FUCK OFF WOODPECKERSHIT FUCKTARD FUCK CUM TURD TACO FUCK FASHION BUG FUCK BASTARD DAGO FUCK OFF DOUGHNUT PUNCHER FUCK SEX TITWANK GOD DAMMIT BASTARD SHITTY POOPOO NICARAGUA MARGARET THATCHER SHITBALLS CROTCH SAMUEL L. JACKSON SHITHEAD REDNECK BEAVERS
The profound use of expletives has greatly enriched the English language. Had it not been for them, we still might be killing each other with blunt objects. So tonight, when you feel FUCKING PISSED OFF, thank expletives for allowing you to vent your anger, you HELL.