Exploding testicles, or Detonating Gonaditus, is a very serious and debilitating condition which affects millions of people around the world. Many of these feel embarrassed by such a sensitive issue, and may not come forwards for treatment, leaving the real impact of this condition unknown. It is estimated that anywhere from 0.0% to 100% of the worlds population may be affected by this condition at any one time.
The World Health Organisation currently recognises two types of Detonating Gonaditus: Type 1 and Type B
Treatment is currently limited, forcing many to live with the severe consequences of this condition. Detonating Gonaditus can also have a range of serious complications including increased risk of myocardial infarction, stroke, and athletes foot.
Detonating Gonaditis was first observed by the 13th Century monk Thomas Aquinas, who was also a prominent surgeon and stand-up comedian. He noted that several of his brotherhood had become rather reclusive of late, and carried out thorough investigations to find the cause of the problem. Unfortunately his activities caught the eye of his abbot, who promptly burnt him to death.
After this investigation went up in smoke, there is little record of DG until 1843, when Dr. John Snow, the father of modern day epidemiology, made reference to a curious condition he christened "Oh my God, what the hell is wrong with you?!". For reasons unknown this work was never published, and it was not until 1933 when the condition was officially recognised, that the title Detonating Gonaditis was first coined.
It is widely accepted that Detonating Gonaditis was a key player in the fall of Nazi Germany in 1945. The condition is believed to have caused widespread chaos among the German troops, reducing combat effectiveness, and allowing Allied troops an easy victory. The popular nursery rhyme "Hitler, has only got one ball" is believed to be a reference to the widespread epidemic that occurred behind the German lines.
Type 1 DG
Known clinically as Acute Regional Gonadotrophic Hernioma (ARGH), this is the most common form of the disease. It is characterised by swelling of one or more testicles and acute pain in the groin region. This is accompanied by insomnia, lethargy, and in some cases, severe flatulence. Although not immediately life threatening, if left untreated the gonads will continue to swell until the patient is forced to continuously squat, in what is known as De Broglie's position. Eventually, the gonads burst without warning, emitting an audible pop. If the patient does not receive immediate medical care, they are in danger of looking a bit silly.
Treatment consists of management of the swollen gonad, and prevention of a detonating episode. Surgical intervention is possible, but this carries a high risk of premature detonation, and is only considered as a last resort. Instead, patients are taught to cope with their condition with intense physiotherapy. This enables them to move around normally, using the swollen gonad as one might use a space hopper. Clearly this is not practical for the patient, and research into future treatments is an ongoing battle.
Causes of ARGH are believed to have both genetical and environmental components. If a patient has the disease, then their risk of developing the disease in later life is believed to be close to 100%. Similarly, the risk factor is increased by smoking, drinking, sex, drugs, Rock and Roll, eating tasty food, and enjoying life. Efforts to warn people of the consequences of their actions have failed so far, as the advised preventative measure of sitting at home all day doing nothing does not appear to be a popular move in this present climate.
Type B DG
Osteoulcerative Colonic Hernioma (OuCH) is less common than ARGH, but is far more serious, and nearly always life threatening. Symptoms are far more immediate than in type 1, and there are no warning signs. Detonation occurs spontaneously and without warning, which can be far more psychologically traumatic for the patient than it is physically. Even still, the force generated by the rapid pressure release can cause significant injury to the vital organs, resulting in an immediate coma and death. It is estimated that more people are killed each year from Detonating Gonaditus than are killed on the roads.
Treatment is very limited since it is required before symptoms are expressed since death is an immediate symptom of the condition.
Causes are believed to be identical to Type 1.
It is vital that every step is taken to prevent attacks of Detonating Gonaditus by abiding by these simple guidelines:
- Avoid all contact with the outside world
- Never eat cheese
- If any family members are suspected of carrying a DG infection, shoot them immediately to prevent further outbreak
- If you see any person's balls explode, report this to the WHO immediatly, then shoot them.
- Shoot everyone else apart from yourself
- Shoot yourself
Only by following these strict guidelines can we ensure a safe future for our children. Be aware, Detonating Gonaditus can KILL!