October 30, 2020 at 01:29Extreme Knitting, knitting... but extreme.
Extreme knitting is similar to the equally popular Extreme Ironing but with more Violence. Extreme knitting can be very complex, despite the recent changes to the rules as devised by the Old Grannies commission of Aberystwyth.
The basic rules are thus:
All contestents are provided with 17 knitting needles; that's 4 per hand and foot, and one for the mouth (or, for those with a more adventurous mind, the left nostril).
Everyone able to hold the kneedles (as they are called during an extreme knitting event) without stabbing themselves is then given a pattern to compete while simultaneously carrying out another mediocre task such as cleaning the lavatory or engaging in Sexual Intercourse.
The winner is the person who manages to lodge the fewest kneedles in their own or anyone else's rectum in the allotted time frame. This can be anything from 5 minutes to the marathon 26 hour kneedling arranged by Martha Stewart in 1862.
Some famous extreme knitters
- Justin Timberlake
- Bilbo Baggins
- Captain Birds Eye
- Engelbert Humperdinck
- Papa Smurf
Extreme Knitting is now included in the Olympics, and is also included in some very popular erotic films such as the famous "I Knitted his Penis at Dawn"
George Lucas is reported to be thinking of adding this sport to his next film "Star Wars MMMXLIII (3043): Frederick Skywalker and The Dude In Spandex knickers"