FOUND (2004 Television Series)

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FOUND is an American drama series about a group of Neo-Tribal islanders who, while on a cross-island trip via the Coconut Freeway, experience an unfortunate quantum wave function collapse wherein all the passengers' atoms simultaneously move 5,302 miles Nor'nor'east and they find themselves in LAX airport.

The plot then centers on how they integrate themselves into this new society, experiencing such common events as incestual sex, becoming a centa-octo-millionaire in the lottery, the old Iowan family tradition the "Papa kideley-a-rustlin'", and so on. Part of the show's charm has been how they use their simple, homely island thinking to find novel solutions to common problems, frequently to the derision of the fancypants slick cocaine-snorting abortion-having commie lib'rul evilutionist city boys, who really aren't so 'intellectual' after all despite having PhD's from real universities and always get their comeuppance.

The other side of the plot is flashbacks to their life on the island, which is shown to be a gun-toting Conservative Christian paradise. There were of course plenty of island-worshipping pagans and polar bears trying to 'abort' 10 year old children; but they were there to give the god-fearing Sawyer, Ana-Lucia and the rest of the Operation: Hate the Sin, Gun it Out of the Sinner Force something to shoot at.

Theories[edit]

A number of theories were developed around the show, most of them having been thoroughly debunked by Kent Hovind. He has one of them Pea Aitch Dee doohackies.

* The 'Television Program' theory This held that FOUND was actuallly some sort of a 'make-believe' thing with the characters being really so-called 'actors' on some 'set', magically transmitted through the air to live inside your telly box. This was proved wrong when it was shown that the 'characters' appeared in more than one telly-box at once, which only God can do.

* The 'Tasty Pie' theory This was based on the idea that Hurley was staying so curvaceous as he was baking his fellow islanders into 'tasty pie'. This was proved to be wrong because only Christians would make tasty pie, and you can't kill Christians. They would have raised from the dead and burst out of Hurley's stomach like the aliens do in Aliens, a film about aliens that lay their eggs inside people and then burst out of the people's stomachs like the Christians would do in FOUND, if the FOUND writers had read the Bible which would explain this all to them. Except of course the FOUND writers don't exist, because it takes more faith to be an ahurleyist than it does to believe in God. We know FOUND was intelligently designed, and commie lib'rul Hollywood writers aren't intelligent so QED.

* The 'Evolution' theory This was obviously a theory, not a fact, and was parodied in the show when Pastor Jack Sheppard told Locke 'I'm a man of Creation Science, you're a man of faith in your crazy atheist religion.' Locke pointed out that he was in fact a 17th Century Empiricist philosopher, and so had never heard of evolution, and went in for the kill by pointing out that Jack had just ranked Science above Religion in the metaphysical hierarchy and had inexplicitly renounced Christianity. Jack shouted "I haven't got a religion I have a relationship motherfucker!" and showed Locke that he had committed the logical fallacy of Arguing with someone with 13373R 1337 5KILL$ than you and pwned the n00b with his infinite ammo [email protected] He then placed the bald-headed pagan in a strawman which he set fire to, while everyone around chanted chanty chants, telling Locke what he could and couldn't do.

* The 'Asparagus Can in the Basement' theory Based on the fact that the whole JJ Abrams falling out with Tom Cruise was a hoax to throw us off the scent, i.e., that the series is based on the actual incident that occurred 2.58xyz MYA, to wit, Xenu dropped the Thetans into volcanos and they disrupted air travel in Europe for two weeks and caused the Grecian economy to collapse and prevented a number of dignitaries from attending Bill Clinton's funeral in Poland. Future events which will be revealed in flash forwards are the election of Ted Danson as Surgeon Generalissimo, fractals being made into a breakfast food, and Al Gore doing the right thing and actually removing his lying carcass from the premises via spontaeous combustion (hey, it adds to the carbon footprint of humanity, but it'll be so worth it).

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