“Yup, I managed to murder 20 villagers in their homes without been caught. Then I went and played some Fable”
“Mmm, I must say I do feel sorry for the developers; they have clearly never been breast fed”
“I feel sorry for the Developers, they seem to be retarded spasticated Homosexuals!”
Fable is a Fantasy role playing game that boasts a detailed, well developed story line that allows the player to explore in depth, the concept of human values. This serves as a great activity in between what most people spend their time doing in the game; having sex and murdering villagers in their sleep.
Fable is unique, in that it has been highly praised for its deep story and sophisticated gameplay, and yet much of the game involves muscly, half naked men who beat and wipe you throughout the game. Most of the women are also rake thin with massive tits, and are perfectly willing to have sex even if there's a 40 year age difference between the two of you*. Also they are all men, which is why you cant have children with them.
“*Yea, you got us. We were watching an awful lot of Homosexual sexy Atheist dog shit eating Japanese porn when we made this game!”
My friend, if you have played this game, you have unknowingly been looking at pixel porn. As a matter of fact, every original fantasy game is basically porn. They always feature some woman with gargantuas breasts and microscopic nipples that somehow manage to remain hidden underneath their tiny clothes. However this game will also make you angry for it is retarded. IGN called this game the most retarded Homosexual game ever made in the Universe!
Crime in Fable
Fable is an enchanting magical place. But a dangerous one. As a matter of fact it is so dangerous that there are authoritarian no go zones patrolled by terrible foes. These far away places (about 500 metres away from any town) are only very seldom patrolled by guards and only when they have to.
When you are caught committing a crime justice is swift. You are given a fine and don't think there is a way out of it, because it applies no matter what the offence (unless of course you can't pay it in which case... well nothing really). In the event that you commit mass murder you have to pay the fine (If you can afford it of course) and you are thrown out, and to get back in, you have to go through the painstaking process of turning 180• and walking back into the town.
If you leave town without reimbursing people for your crime, do not worry; this system revolves around forgiveness. Just simply leave the town for a few days and the charges will be dropped. No one will even remember that you decapitated Mr. Smith from next door (most people in the game suffer from severe memory loss).
Future expansion packs promise to deliver a judicial system for added realism. If you are rich, you will be able to get away with crimes that everyone knows you committed and be reimbursed by the victims for court costs.
You start your adventure in the quite little town of Oakvale. You are woken from your dreams by your father, who reminds you that it's your sisters birthday and you haven't got her a present. He makes you a deal; he will give you a coin for every good deed you do around the village so you can buy candy from a strange old man from out of town.
Fortunately for you there is exactly some good deeds for you to do which adds up to the exact amount you need. Although your father was being a bit generous when he paid you for beating the shit out of someones kid without warning.
You buy the chocolate and go to your sister. The village is suddenly raided by bandits dressed like male prostitutes. They slaughter your father and gouge your sisters eyes out. She didn't see that coming. (Geddit? Coz with no eyes she can't see with no eyes, and, like, there's that saying, and, you know...oh all right, never mind...) The guards seem to disappear when all this happens. You are saved by another strange old man who takes you back to the hero's guild
“Your credibility is getting critically low young hero, you must lay off the paedophile references”
The hero's guild is an academy that trains people to kill. The guild has a policy of letting the students use the skills they are given for good or bad and they even let the good and bad students kill each other on the outside. Despite all the incredible money and effort that goes into this, no one seems to have realized that this the same as not having a guild in the first place.
Teenage hood is a nightmare for you when growing up in the academy. You are incredibly frustrated, you have never even seen yourself naked before because it is completely impossible for you to take off all your clothes. You have no penis and for some reason the British flag has been permanently branded into your pelvis. This leads to very strange sexual behavior, which is why you are given the name "chicken chaser" while growing up in the academy.
You eventually leave, and are told about your sister who has befriended the bandits that gouged out her eyes out and slaughtered her village.
getting into the bandits lair is a simple task of swapping your clothes with a bandit's outfit, which they have been clever enough to conveaniantly leave unguarded in a chest out in the open.
Gaurd 1: Alright so no one here knows you, but you're dressed like a prostitue so come on in.
(You walk in)
Guard 2: Um, isn't he that famous guy who goes round slaughtering our freinds?
Gaurd 1: No of course not, he's wearing a hood.
Guard 2: Oh, of course. Silly me that was a bit of a stupid thing to say.
Guard 1: Ha ha ha you got that right. Don't worry we all say silly things occasionally.
Guard 2: Ha ha ha yea... but, what if theoretically, and let me just emphasis theoretically, he was that guy, and he was somehow, at the same time wearing a bandit uniform.
Guard 1: Oh don't be stupid, how could he be wearing one of our uniforms?
Guard 2: Well, I wasn't going to mention this, but isn't that the exact same uniform that we left unguarded out in the open.
Guard 1: What are you saying?
Guard 2: Um... I don't really know. I just thought that might mean something, man I need to lay off the 'shrooms.
You find it very easy to get to bed with her, seeing as she's blind and she can't tell you're not her husband. You do not lose any hero points for this, because it is what's known as a "victimless crime". As a matter of fact she tells you it was the most pleasurable experience she's ever had, and commends you for involving the chicken. She'd never thought of using them like that before. However, it still did you no good.
Afterwards the part of the story that is shown to the player takes place. You fight the bandit king you are given the option of killing him, and then your sister, who is in quite a chirpy mood, tells you that your mother is chained up in prison.
“Mother? Chained up? Mmm It... Oh heck, why am I even pretending to give it a second thought?”
“And so the hero set off to find his mother in his quest for sexual satisfaction. He put his life on the line and battled many terrible foes in his searches. But it was worth it, because he knew that destiny would lead him once again, to sucking his mother's nipples. But this time he had a very different purpose in mind. ”
Eventually you find your mother, but before you can do the deed, you are captured. This is heartbreaking to you. Suddenly your character makes a HUGE scream from the dungeon and the screen blackens. Even George. W. Bush knowed that the Hero got Fucked..
“Hero, I must strongly recommend that you do not make a joke about prison homosexuality.”
You escape from prison and set off to find your sister. Once you arrive at the place you tell your mum you are going to "Scout out the terrain first" which isn't a lie as such.
“Brother what the hell are you doing!?”
It suddenly occurs to you that you killed her husband. She screams at you to get out, but to leave the chicken.
The game has a good/evil alignment system where your actions bring you closer or further away from being good or evil. Bad deeds include stealing things, killing innocents, eating live animals, stalking people, kicking decapitated heads, and trying to masturbate (Separately of course, although eating live animals is still bad even if you do masturbate at the same time). Don't worry, the game takes the time to explain to you that these things are bad, just in case you happen to be a fundamentalist Muslim or a sociopath who goes round eating people's pets and murdering strangers for no reason. Good deeds include saving people, killing bad guys, and for some strange reason, eating tofu(Theoretically eating enough tofu will make up for slaughtering an entire village. Who the hell made this game?). The more evil or good you become defines the way you look, for example,the more evil you become the smaller your penis will become until it spreads across your groin with a pattern that looks like the Union Jack flag, and if you become good, you become more vunerable to gay rape.
“This is uncyclopedia. Stay well away from it hero; not only does it give rubbish answers, it actually asks you questions. Or does it? Yes it does. No, I was lying. Or was I? Who knows? I do.”
Your body develops in a very, very unusual way. You are one of only 4 or 5 people in the game that actually ages, and you do it at an incredible rate. You age by about 20 years in between events that take 2 days in the story, and no one even notices. Puberty doesn't occur until you are at least 30, but it only happens if you do warrior or skill training. Until you hit puberty, all your weapons are about 3 times bigger than you are, but you can still wield them perfectly well.
Your character has a very strange habit of recording the number of times he has had sex. When you go to bed, the screen blacks out and plays very generic looped sounds, indicating your wife/husband's pleasure "ow ooooo, oooo that's nice, oh I say. a ha ha ha! ow ooooo, oooo that's lovely"
“She is beginning to lose interest hero. Switch to the "cowboy" pose”
To add to the realism, you can try masturbating while the screen is blank. Although, just like the hero, you have to get it over and done with in under 10 seconds.
Oh, and by the way can I ask you something? What the heck do you get out of listening to a voice acter make erotic noises into a microphone? Were you under the impression that it was an actual record of someone having sex? Because that is disgusting and illegel.
The sexuality of the developers of Fable is Homosexuality. While creating Fable the developers would wank of to naked men and even get blow jobs from one another! This lead to the majority of NPC's in towns to be Homosexual! This also lead to all woman being men with sex changes which is why you cant have children with them. Before the developers realized that they had released a retarded game upon the world...it was to late... horney gay atheists were wanking of to the game...
- You: No matter what path you take, your character is a seriously disturbed, Gay, Mental, Freak and should get some professional help right away.
- Jack of Blades: An evil demonic lord with a bondage mask that goes round murdering people in large numbers but still has the status of celebrity.
- Your sister: Your sister plays a major role in the story, she has the ability to see into the future and yet she doesn't do anything to prevent her eyes being gouged out, her village being slaughtered, both her parents being murdered, you being tortured, your mother being tortured, Maze stabbing you in the back and killing hundreds of people or even you killing her.
- Your mother: On one magical day you emerged from her
vaginasanctuary, and followed in her footsteps of being a kick ass hero.
- Your mentor: A great wise hero who thinks it's okay to watch you 24/7
“Mmm, not bad hero. Although it is, blatantly obvious that what I am saying was written by a perverted teenager.”
“By the way, I found that woman's nipples, tell her to try not to lose them again : .”
“Yes, it appears the writer of this part has been breast fed for far too long”