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“At the end of a long hard day, a soothing Faggotry Menthol Cigarette really helps me unwind and forget my Hellish life.”

~ Kyle Smith on Faggotry
Photo of "Faggotry" taken from the Oxford English Dictionary

Faggotry (or chicken hawking as it is known in certain unseemly circles) is the art or sport of Homosexuals studying and practicing the performance of interior design, fashion development and consumption, bodybuilding and dancing in a tasteful yet exotic way.

There are two traditional terms to describe those who are involved in Faggotry: The Instructor trains the faggot: the Queen runs the faggot through its paces to determine if it is 1) Attractive, 2) Entertaining and 3) Knows its place.


The art of Faggotry dates back to the Caveman era when it was discovered that certain Cavemen were born with a greater brain mass, and an ability to bring cave paintings to life using a limited pallet. In those early times, it is believed that a simple whack on the head with a club was enough to train the Faggot, however sometimes more extreme measures (two whacks on the head) were also used when the “ooooh oooh aaah” (Caveman for Faggot) was especially attractive.

Starting the classical Greek era, Faggotry was wrestled from the genteel upper classes of Athens and seized by the manly masculine Spartans who injected a military like fetish element to the grooming of the Faggot. Mentors took young lads by the hand and introduced them to new levels of exploration, searching deep for their manliness and pleasure at the same time. The thrust of this relationship wasn’t purely for the sake fun, the Army was training these boys to be brave and learn to take the spear willingly for their team.

By the era of the Roman Empire, Faggotry had expanded its scope, moving beyond the arts to include the conversation arts, classic sport watching and idol worship. Faggot were trained in these skills through the use of “Um Lavartoris se Loiteristis” (literally the study of human behaviors and unspoken communication). The students would spend the day in the Roman Toileteris, where they would learn the meaning of “knowing” what lies in the hearts of mankind.

By the time of Crusades, Faggotry returned again to embrace its place in the front line of mankind. Richard the Lion Hearted – one of the best know practitioners of “sublimating” his need and wants used a less obvious form of training, which he sprang upon his lads each March, giving way to the phrase “In like a lion, out like a lamb” – which has mistakenly been applied to the weather of that month.

Modern Faggotry[edit]

Atop Mme. Belle's Charm and Faggotry School in Paris

In the era, modern Faggotry has been an art of the driven few – and can both take it and give it right back. The discipline once only taught in English boys boarding schools, is now an elective at most colleges and universities as well as Elderhostel programs.

Instructors train their Faggots in the art of cutting conversation, ballet arm exercises, color theory and Orgy seating plans. The time honored skills of Loitering, dallying and lingering are also taught in the basic course work. For advanced students, the art of geriatric love and estate planning, smelling salts administration and bitch slapping are also available.

The required attire for instructors is a riding crop, dark, unflattering clothing, and a menacing middle European accent that is best not traceable.

Faggotry, a practical approach[edit]

Handlers must be licensed in order to show their Faggots in public. The exam includes tests in selecting the proper Faggot for black tie social occasions, fundraising dinners, trips to the baths and Faggot correction for those times when a Faggot needs to be put back in their place.

Faggots themselves must be certified in their socials skills, deportment, bargain hunting and sun glasses shopping. Faggots are also timed in shopping and must meet stringent measures in off-price shopping, returns of once worn clothing and cat fighting. Scoring for these tests of skill and cunning are done by bitter old Queens whose best days are behind them.

Types of Faggotry[edit]

Quote1.png My pretty, pretty pony. Prance! Prance I say! Quote2.png ~ Laura Bush

A modern day boy toy faggot.
  • The Submissive- Submissive Faggotry is a career option available to both homosexuals and heterosexual males. Applicants must accept the uniform of black latex, hoods and ball gags. Submissives must have strong knees and be able to meow like Hello Kitty.
  • The Prancing Pony- The Prancing Pony career path is similar to the Submissive Faggot, however Prancing Pony’s also must be certified in table manners and trotting in a dildon equipped with a horse hair tail.
  • The Smooth Operator – Faggots hoping to meet this course of study are expected to enjoy fancy dress, evenings at the opera and must be able to deliver insults with not more than a .0001 error rate.

  • The Boy Toy- Like the Smooth Operator, the Boy Toy must excel in both social skills and geriatric sex. They must also pass the Malnourished Speedo Test and live on a steady diet of scotch and cigarettes.

Quote1.png Everything I ever learned in life is directly related to faggotry. Quote2.png ~ Lightreaper

Civilzations created by faggotry[edit]

  • The San Fransicans
  • The Milanese
  • Green Day
  • Americans

Civilizations destroyed by faggotry[edit]

  • The French
  • The Romans
  • The English
  • The Protoss
  • Americans

See also[edit]