Info on the Investigators of the Fairy Menace
I am the Cow Fairy, renegade of mysticdom and leader in the case against the FAIRY QUEEN. My partner is Frolet Man, who has amazing powers over computers and is just awesome. You can find our office in Salt Lake City, Utah, in Department building #307. It is on the same floor and two doors down from the American division of the Ministry of Silly Walks. Any cases against the FAIRY QUEEN would be openly received if this place actually existed, but it doesn't. Oh well.
The Infamous FAIRY QUEEN
For years, we have been tracking the whereabouts and activities of possibly the most dangerous fantasy creature alive, the FAIRY QUEEN *cue ominous music*. She has a facade of extreme beauty to cover her natural ugliness, and has been known to come up with ingenious stories to mask her true intentions. Her and an army of dryads have been planning on destroying the world for centuries, manipulating mankind with stories of adorable fairies and magical creatures, only to be forming a massive army behind all of our backs!
Evidence of the FAIRY QUEEN
My investigative partner and I discovered this monstrous abomination to mankind three and one-third years ago. From that moment, we swore to find and destroy the demon that would eventually end all man kind. We have had the opportunity to speak with a number of witnesses to the FAIRY QUEEN's tyranny. Here are a few:
A Californian Cow Farmer: "That.. thing.. suddenly came out of the sky and began up turning all of my cows!! She was threatening us with a combination of nuclear bombing and prolonged exposure to Sanjaya's singing! (author's note-i intend no offense to Sanjaya but i have to quote the guy directly. sorry). I couldn't believe my eyes!!" He then passed out from a combination of alcohol and ecstasy overdose. He is currently in a vegetative state.
A random Hooker: "Like.. Wow... I was just, y'know, hangin' with my guy, at least the guy i have on wednesday nights, y'know, and suddenly, like, this think like flew into our room while we were, like, just gettin intimate y'know, and she threatened to castrate him but i didn't care because thats like even better than birth control so i like said go ahead and he like ran away y'know? Like who would do that? And so like, this creepy like flyin' chick y'know comes over and threatens to take away my implants so im like f*ck no y'know and i hit her with the address book where i keep all my like guy's numbers and since it was like so thick it knocked her unconscious and she like faded away... y'know?"
and last but not least
The girl called NOTSOSANE: "Yeah, all was as normal as it ever is in my screwed up life, and all of a sudden this freaky lady with wings comes to me, and says "JOIN ME". Now, even though im not sane and locked in a padded room, i do have some common sense. I said no. she says "PLEASE PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE". so i said ok. And then..." (This is an account from the security cameras watching over this chick, she disappeared in a flash of light and has never been seen again. This only proves the dangerousness of the FAIRY QUEEN.
The Dryad Army
It is known that the FAIRY QUEEN's main alliances are the Dryads. Other groups affiliated with said menace to mankind are pixies, nymphs, mermaids, care bears, and some ditzy supermodels. Before being under the control of the FAIRY QUEEN, these particular creatures were known for clawing out people's eyes, spreading silly rumours and worsening cases of erectile dysfunction out of pure spite. They are also known to affect the brains of people in such a way that they make bad decisions, such as electing Bush as president. Thus, they are the main cause of the epidemic commonly known as "Everyday Human Stupidity", or EHS. Pixies are the guardians of whores, supermodels and american idol contestants. Nymphs are known for their powers of annoyance and have also been known to come to the aid of younger siblings in frustrating their older siblings. NYMPHS ARE MY ENEMIES. They also influence the government to make stupid decisions so the people get annoyed at them. Mermaids are just there, 'nuff said. Care Bears are THE SOURCE OF EVIL. THEY ARE CLOSEST TO THE FAIRY QUEEN AND GIVE HER MUCH OF HER MENACING POWER. They are also used as spies in human homes where there are small children. Care Bears are known to be pedophiles, and that's the exact reason why they made the deal with the FAIRY QUEEN to be spies.
"After this investigation, I'll never trust a Care Bear again..." -a friend who has seen and believed much of this
Supermodels lead the department of brainwashing. They brainwash guys with their supposed sexiness and revealing clothes and they brainwash girls with fashion. Store such as Hollister and Abercrombie are known to be associated with the FAIRY QUEEN.
Random People that Willingly Joined the FAIRY QUEEN
- Katie Couric
- Howard Stern
- a random next door neighbor of Link
- Saddam Hussein*
- King Louis XIV-XVI*
- French Supermodels
- most British stock brokers
- Paula Abdul
- Fall-out Boy
- editors of the "Enquirer"
- a few rednecks
- 1 sheep farmer
- 1 psychotic girl, aka NOTSOSANE
- Clearly, the people with asterisks next to their names are dead. The FAIRY QUEEN commands their powers still because she has captured their ghosts and puts them to use in her diabolical army. I've heard tell that the last of the King Louis' can knock people out with his severed head, but thats just a rumor and of course we're here for facts. I mean, come on. That's ridiculous.
Now that you have the basics of the FAIRY QUEEN, it is important to know how to defend yourself from her wrath. You must NOT fall for the silly little lies that are "nice fairy stories"! For mystic-kind they are all simplified prophecies of mysticdom ruling the world! For example, Hansel and Gretel predicts that all of human kind is going to be roasted and eaten by the FAIRY QUEEN someday (the nice end was only added to appeal to us for brainwashing). Second, you must avoid the opinions of the people above, for they are all sending brainwashing messages from the FAIRY QUEEN!! Third, you must keep all whores, supermodels, Care Bears, innocent looking gardeners and sheep out of your house because the FAIRY QUEEN could use any of these to infiltrate your home! And LASTLY, if the FAIRY QUEEN comes to you and asks you to join her ranks of doom, SAY NO, even if she offers you great sex or immortality (which she will likely do). Especially avoid the sex because she has Herpes! DO NOT FURTHER SWELL THE FAIRY QUEENS RANKS OR ITS POSSIBLE BUSH WILL BE OUR PRESIDENT FOR ALL TIME!!! ITS ALSO POSSIBLE THAT WE COULD ALL BECOME SLAVES TO UNICORNS AND ELVES BECAUSE THE FAIRY QUEEN DOESNT KEEP HER PROMISES!!!
that is all. Have a lovely morning/day/evening/holiday of your choice.