“Oh, honey, it's YOU. I didn't recognize you with that thing on your lip”
“In Soviet Russia,moustache wears you”
“I swear by them!”
“That`s not real”
- A false moustache is a clever device used to conceal, entirely, the identity of an individual. They come in many different varieties, styles and colors but the effect is always the same: The Perfect Disguise.
- Also known as "'Staches" to the streetwise criminals who use them, they are often used in high profile crimes such as bank robbery, murder, and other taboo acts such as curling.
Many Bothans died to bring you the following article. They themselves didn't do any work, but the author killed a bunch of them for no reason.
False Moustache Production
Though a closely guarded art, a few of the key processes have slipped from the tight grip of Master Moustache Artisans. The details of how these secrets have become public is itself a highly guarded thing. But the way it happened was like this: A guy told me. So you don't need to worry about that any more.
The most important thing when creating a false moustache is the thread count. If you get it too high, then it looks like a solid mass; too low and it looks whispy. The ideal is from 60-80 threads per square centimeter.
One can go higher or lower depending on the subject. For example, someone who has very thick natural sideburns would need a higher threadcount to get a natural look. But if you stray too far from the golden mark, no matter who the subject may be, you will create a lesser moustache.
It seems obvious, but it can be overlooked by amateurs. If a moustache doesn't match the color of the person's natural hair color, the fake will be spotted immediately. The pros usually employ a special color wheel known as a "Jim Dandy".
Once the proper colors are assembled the Moustacher can begin the assembly process.
This is a matter of great debate in the world of Moustache Crafting. Once you have gotten the correct color and thread count, how should you proceed?
Some Masters prefer the old style, each fiber applied to the face of the recipient individually. No artificial adhesives are used, only the purest honey, mixed with a blend of 11 secret herbs and spices. The effect of which not only gives a natural look, but a very attractive scent that both sexes find quite alluring.
But in today's society, when one needs a false moustache, on often needs it soon. Most people cannot afford to wait the needed weeks for the special adhesive to properly set. That is why modern Moustachers have developed quick application kits.
The Moustachee receives a small plastic package, in which is a fully formed moustache colored to be roughly appropriate (most of these are made to accommodate the most common color for an area). The threads are attached to an adhesive strip, but it is not the traditional honey blend, instead the most common used adhesive in "Quick 'Staches" is a common glue found in most stores. It is safe for skin contact, but will not last as long, and will not smell as sweet.
Both approaches have their strengths and weaknesses. Thankfully, there is no animosity between the different practitioners of the two styles. Any true Moustacher will find out what is in your best interest and go from there.
A Brief History of the False Moustache
Since its humble beginnings in the seedy districts of Rome itself, Moustaching has grown in stature and popularity. Once the word was out that there was a foolproof way to hide your identity, several elements sought out this magic method.
These included Heads of State (to be able to walk among the common man, and kill a prostitute without fear of scandal), Professional Soldiers (who sought a way to infiltrate the enemy camp) and Criminals of every stripe.
Listed here is the progression of styles of 'Staches through the ages. Note that there are many more styles that are closely guarded by the Moustachers who wish to keep some secrecy in their art. If you recognize any of these, you may be the victim of a False Moustache!
The Windswept Falcon
The effect is achieved by:
1) Vigorously teasing the threads outward.
2) Using an extra helping of adhesive (either original or extra crispy) to make it hold fast.
If properly executed, this is one of the finest disguises for modern times, as it has fallen out of fashion with many younger Moustacher. This allows one armed with the Falcon to move freely even among those who know the wearer personally.
Keep in mind, you might get some odd looks.
The Two Fathoms Deep
Made popular by international thief Mark Twain, whose capers included: Stealing the Mummy's Gold; Kidnapping the Emperor's Son; Deflowering the Duchess of Wales; and making a fool of the police time and time again.
It is important to note that, even among those Moustachers who do not use the original Honey adhesive, it is universally agreed that the original adhesive is the only way that this style holds its magic. Without the added charm of the honey-glue, one has to rely too much on personality, and their mysterious allure is lost.
Therefore, it is important to keep downwind of objects of your affection, they have no chance.
The Saucy Frenchman
Gained much popularity within the circles of ne'er-do-wells that liked to tie helpless damsels to train tracks. It was named after then King of France Jean Luc Picard who, though he did not sport a moustache naturally or artificially, was quite saucy.
It's length allowed for practical uses as well as aesthetic. While on the run, the Frenchman could be used to hang a number items including: Towels, teacups, firearms, Victorian pornography and spaghetti noodles.
Though this style may seem outdated today, keep in mind that it is still heavily used by members of The Mafia, who often use this particular model to stab attackers who attempt to flank them.
One of the newest styles to be developed. Like so many trends in modern times, this moves toward a simpler design. Note the lack of frills, swoops or waxing. This is just a simple thick moustache for the man's man.
Also known as the Porno-Stach, this style gained a large following during the 1970's as many a pron star sported this to hide their identity from their loved ones. With clever aliases like "Long Dong Silver" "Lex Luger" and "William Howard Taft" these men were made completely new with the addition of The Magnum.
Due to its simplicity it is very easy to mass produce in any color the buy could want. This being the case it is the easiest 'Stache to get for the average man on the street. Sadly, this means that the authorities have become increasingly suspicious of anyone sporting this style.
Don't be surprised if they give it a quick tug on sight.
Created on accident by Moustacher Otto Freeman when he discovered that he was running very low on fiber. This is common among artisans, but this case was special. While most apply fibers either right to left or left to right, Freeman suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which caused him to apply fibers out from the middle so that both sides stayed symmetrical.
The resulting 'Stache was dubbed The Pushbroom, again as a result of the OCD. You see when asked a question, Freeman would always respond to the first thing that popped into his head. So when asked:
"Otto, what do you call this piece of shit you crapped on my face?" he responded:
"Pushbroom slapping me in the testicles!"
It has since been shortened to simply "The Pushbroom"
Controversy erupted when an unknown man calling himself Adolf Hitler used The Pushbroom to rise to power in Germany and massacre millions of Jews. He really was a shit. Due to this, the popularity of this style has slipped. You can still wear one, so long as you do so with a black bowler hat, and walk funny.
Legality of False Moustaches
Since 'Staches work so well in concealing the true identity of the wearer, many countries have banned their production and use. To avoid any trouble, refer to the comprehensive list of places where 'Staches can get you into trouble.
Places Where False Moustaches Can Get You Killed
- Death Star
- New York
- The Bank
- The Post Office
- The Soviet Breakoff Republic of WeHateMoustachia
- The South
Places Where False Moustaches Can get You A Good BLOWJOB
Places Where False Moustaches Are Produced
- This Old House
- The rest of Oregon
- My Basement
- North Pole
- The Forest That Nobody Cares About
Places Where A False Moustache Might Save your LIFE
No matter how finely crafted, a 'Stache cannot deflect a bullet, keep flames from your body, or break your fall from great heights. There is no conceivable circumstance where a False Moustache would save your life.