False Rumours

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“False Rumours are NOT the result of me sending a swarm of annoying children to make peace in Iraq”

~ George Bush on Iraqistan

“False Rumours are NOT the result of gullible people believing quotes on Uncyclopedia”

~ Oscar Wilde on Gullible People

“False Rumours are NOT the children that came out of my exploding head”

~ Kurt Cobain on SEHS

It is very difficult to say what False Rumours are because there are so many things that they are NOT. First of all...

A Guide On False Rumours[edit]

To write a false rumour, you must

1) Be one of the following people

  • A n00b
  • The Author of this page (recommended, do it now)
  • A liar
  • God
  • Jeremy Kyle
  • Andrew Lloyd Webber
  • Frank Lloyd Wright
  • Pink Floyd
  • Pink
  • Eric Daugherty

2) Do forensic and frequently intimate and carnal research on the victim of the stirred shit. It is advised that you have a good night of passionate, if not, unwanted sex with the victim.

3) Stalk them at night and find out the truth of the matter.

4) Print your new-found rumours on Uncyclopedia, making sure to tell readers of articles what has NOT been happening. Make sure you capitalise the NOT. Positivity is NOT recommended and will lead to a chaotic nation of people running round and dinosaurs eating city buildings, gorillas taking your wives and Steven Spielberg dragging young blond busty women to a watery grave.

The Point Of False Rumours[edit]

False rumours exist so that the readers of articles can be guaranteed the truth, whatever race, colour, creed, social class or mobile phone network their houses might harbour therein.


And I leave you with a selection of randomly selected false rumours from some of our most trustworthy sauces...but mostly complete liars, bounders and cads. Enjoy!

  • Russian Reversal is NOT a disease akin to HIV/AIDS.
  • Sebastian from Little Britain is NOT every Prime Minister's most wild dream.
  • The cartoons of the prophet Mohammed do NOT depict him floating like a butterfly, NEITHER do they depict him stinging like a bee.
  • Kim Jong Il does NOT climb the Empire State Building with your wife.
  • Andrew Flintoff does NOT have relatives named Fred of Wilma.
  • Stevie Wonder did NOT go blind as a result of Stars In Their Eyes
  • Large Hailstones in America are NOT really God creating lots of Zinedine Zidanes and getting them to dive head-first towards innocent victims.
  • The flood in Noah's ark was NOT the result of God listening to Oasis's Champagne Supernova and trying to copy the idea.
  • Taking a pint of Polonium 210, mixing it in with a dollop of ricin, seasoning it with a bucket of cyanide and sprinkling some cocaine mixed with urine is NOT a recipe for disaster.
  • Dick Cheney has NOT written a book called "If I DID shoot That Guy in the face with a quail".
  • Agent Orange is NOT a superhero Messiah from Vietnam.
  • A small virus in the electrical system will NOT cause Japan to explode.
  • Washington Danforth III is NOT the very model of a modern Major-General, with information vegetable, animal, and mineral, who knows the kings of England, and quotes the fights historical, from Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical.

See Also[edit]