“False Rumours are NOT the result of me sending a swarm of annoying children to make peace in Iraq”
“False Rumours are NOT the result of gullible people believing quotes on Uncyclopedia”
“False Rumours are NOT the children that came out of my exploding head”
It is very difficult to say what False Rumours are because there are so many things that they are NOT. First of all...
A Guide On False Rumours
To write a false rumour, you must
1) Be one of the following people
- A n00b
- The Author of this page (recommended, do it now)
- A liar
- Jeremy Kyle
- Andrew Lloyd Webber
- Frank Lloyd Wright
- Pink Floyd
- Eric Daugherty
2) Do forensic and frequently intimate and carnal research on the victim of the stirred shit. It is advised that you have a good night of passionate, if not, unwanted sex with the victim.
3) Stalk them at night and find out the truth of the matter.
4) Print your new-found rumours on Uncyclopedia, making sure to tell readers of articles what has NOT been happening. Make sure you capitalise the NOT. Positivity is NOT recommended and will lead to a chaotic nation of people running round and dinosaurs eating city buildings, gorillas taking your wives and Steven Spielberg dragging young blond busty women to a watery grave.
The Point Of False Rumours
False rumours exist so that the readers of articles can be guaranteed the truth, whatever race, colour, creed, social class or mobile phone network their houses might harbour therein.
And I leave you with a selection of randomly selected false rumours from some of our most trustworthy sauces...but mostly complete liars, bounders and cads. Enjoy!
- Russian Reversal is NOT a disease akin to HIV/AIDS.
- Sebastian from Little Britain is NOT every Prime Minister's most wild dream.
- The cartoons of the prophet Mohammed do NOT depict him floating like a butterfly, NEITHER do they depict him stinging like a bee.
- Kim Jong Il does NOT climb the Empire State Building with your wife.
- Andrew Flintoff does NOT have relatives named Fred of Wilma.
- Stevie Wonder did NOT go blind as a result of Stars In Their Eyes
- Large Hailstones in America are NOT really God creating lots of Zinedine Zidanes and getting them to dive head-first towards innocent victims.
- The flood in Noah's ark was NOT the result of God listening to Oasis's Champagne Supernova and trying to copy the idea.
- Taking a pint of Polonium 210, mixing it in with a dollop of ricin, seasoning it with a bucket of cyanide and sprinkling some cocaine mixed with urine is NOT a recipe for disaster.
- Dick Cheney has NOT written a book called "If I DID shoot That Guy in the face with a quail".
- Agent Orange is NOT a superhero Messiah from Vietnam.
- A small virus in the electrical system will NOT cause Japan to explode.
- Washington Danforth III is NOT the very model of a modern Major-General, with information vegetable, animal, and mineral, who knows the kings of England, and quotes the fights historical, from Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical.