False alarm

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Scott Custis
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Pworr. Sexy beast
Date of birth: October 2, 1993
Birth location: I think he lives in Hertford, maybe Ware?
Date of death: I haven't decided yet
Death location: under an exceptionally large tractor
Height: yeah, he's pretty tall
Other name(s): Aslan
Bra size: 36DD
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about False alarm.

“In Soviet Russia, asshole is YOU!!”

~ Russian Reversal on False alarm

“Can you handle the truth?”

~ Random Guy on the meaning of life

“Naaaaaaay! Foul beasties!”

~ Darth Vader on False Alarm

“I love your socks”

~ Oscar Wilde on False Alarm

Raise your hand if you're a retard


False Alarm is an English, Hardcore-Post-Traumatic-Pop band. They are unique in that they are the only band in the world to have such an unbelieveably ironic name. Members include: Scott Custis (1765-present) - who reportedly had an affair with John Lennon, and is related to Daffy Duck. He currently runs a guinea pig farm in New Jersey, with the seven dwarfs - he plays bass. Their latest songs include: "Sixteen" (a, quite frankly, corny number), and some weird experimental piece (I refuse to admit that it is music...).

Dietry requirements[edit]

Pre-concert meals include: grounded shrew and elephant ear, covered in a fine sprinkling of turtle shell (a michelin star meal where they come from). During live performances, they sacrifice goats and pigeons (and hawks) for unknown reasons... though, of course, this pleases the crowd, which want more, more. MORE. MORE!!!! Ahem... sorry... The goat is served up afterwards to the stage crew after being barbequed, while the pigeons and hawks are forced down the throats of any unlucky members of the crowd to linger around after the show. Die-hard fan George W. Bush finally went to a gig last March, resulting in 236 unsuccessful terrorist attacks. The band, fortunately, did not meet the famed ex-president, as he was busy preventing himself being pulled apart by savage journalists. Fead on a diet of steak and gravy 24/7 (apart from aformentioned michelin star meals), these musicians are world renowned for bringing the fall of communism in the eastern block. Sources now believe that they have begun to destablise a whole host of governments, including: China, North Korea, Zimbabwe and Sao Tome and Principe, by stealing vast quantities of mars bars from the news agents in those countries. Seriously, it works.

A Mars Bar.
Not a Mars Bar


Famously, the band did a hugely successful gig alongside the Teletubbies - currently their ONLY success to date. During the performance, Scott (as usual) tripped up over his own lead, causing everyone to spontaneously combust, which I'll have you know made the performance MUCH better. After this strange occurance, the venue was left smelling of lemons, and had a new carpet of grass. No-one asked for a refund. Which was a first. All profits went to help False Alarm's fire alarm go into therapy as it goes off every 10 to 20 minutes (the poor bastard... why don't they just put him down!).

Occording to those who have been in contact with the band, they, and I quote, "Smell funny..." (DJ Johnson, 02/02/2011). So be extremely careful.

Currently touring around a supermarket, the band are still determined to make it big. You will find them in the frozen section (just follow the trail of dead shrews).