Famcake

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Famcake is the only creature from the 2nd dimension that has successfully survived in the 3rd dimension for more than 15 years. His name is derived from the mixing of its favorite phrase, "What's up fam!", with the word pancake (alluding to famcake's flatness). Famcake is considered by the U.S. government to be one of the five things that pose a minor threat to Chuck Norris and is listed as the 2nd most disgusting object in the ultraverse.

Profile[edit]

The mailman after being attacked by a wild strumpet

Famcake, a genetic hybrid of pancakes and humans, has an infatuation with large mythical lizards. His recondite mind is contaminated with a deep and penetrating obsession with physsizics. The primary kinship in his motley crew is allocated to Strumpet. Strumpets are imperious, sedentary, reprobates with mild facial deformations. A quite unnatural event has occurred however, as a mailman has managed to capture a mating habit that is occupied between a certain Strumpet and Famcake. "A wild Strumpet was harvesting the oil off of Famcake's hairs so that he could sell it to the local Kindergarten school kids," the mailman explained. "I was unsure of what I should do in this kind of situation, so I decided to approach this very barbaric happening in a covert manner. The Strumpet managed to catch sight of me with his third eye. Before I could escape from the situation, the harvesting ritual had been broken, and chaos broke out among me, the Strumpet, and Famcake. Famcake, having risen from his sedentary dormancy, began to ejaculate on me! For what had followed, I was not prepared for. The Strumpet picked Famcake up by his shins, and began to fan munificent gusts of wind and oil at me!" (At this point it is necessary to point out that the reason Famcake has oil accrued on his head is because the Soviet Union had used it for the past 32 years as a nuclear waste dump) "I could not withstand the gratuitous barrage of things that had befallen me," the mailman continued. "So I fled before the attack could completely engulf me! I must say that anyone who sees this kind of activity should report it to your local authorities."

How to Spot Famcake so you can stay away from him.[edit]

Famcake is considered by many who know him as the physical representation of grotesqueness, perversion and annoyance. Famcake, as stated earlier, is of the 2nd dimension. Therefore he has no depth but he has width. Imagine a paper plate with a face and small arms. This is famcake. Famcake's face resembles that of a persian cat but it is slightly less humanoid.

A persian cat
Unfortunate hermaphrodite exposed to famcake's hair

Because famcake is from the 2nd dimension but resides with us here in the 3rd, he cannot bathe (either this or he just doesn't want to). Because of this (and the fact that it was used as a nuclear waste dump by the Soviet Union for a long time) Famcake's upper head area is considered an international radioactive hazard and anyone who dares touch this part of his body is made into an infertile vegetable. Inasmuch as his hair is so toxic, Famcake has been ordered by the government to keep his hair oil off of human beings by all means. For this reason Famcake must constantly sway back and forth, balancing the deadly juice on top of his head. Another unique feature of Famcake is his voice, which sounds like Eminem on Helium singing looney tunes while high.

Mating Habits[edit]

Rare photo of an unlucky Asian prisoner in Famcake's pleasure cave

Famcake has an unusual fetish with Asian people, dragons, rap, physics, male schoolteachers, trivia, html, voyeurism, beatboxing, midget beach-wrestling, gay porn, gayer porn and stalking people. Because he is 2-dimensional he luckily cannot spread his genes. The famcake is known to stalk male school teachers for years on end, sucking in their life-essence bit by bit. He recieves some sort of pleasure from this but this pleasure is beyond human comprehension. Sagat fears Famcake's presence. It is well-known that Famcake has trapped many an unlucky Asian girl (or boy) in his subterranean pleasure-cave using his mutant hypnotic pheromones. These pheromones are made out of the compound that results from the decomposition of Famcakes hair juice. It diffuses into the air and anyone who inhales it becomes "spammed". The resulting brain-dead humans are known as "fam-spams" and do anything Famcake wants.

What makes Famcake Annoying[edit]

Famcake enjoys walking to groups of congregating people, asking to borrow money from them which he will not pay back. He does this in the five trilliseconds that he doesn't spend stalking small Asian girls and horning onto dragons. Although Famcake appears as a morbidly obese white circle from the front, he thinks that he is a black man. Hence the famcake is the world's most dangerous wigger. Thinking that he has rap talent he wanders around belching out the most raucous noises ever heard by any life-form in any plane of existence on any planet. Famcake has actually recorded several albums, most of which are used by Kim Jong Il to torture his cats and relieve his chronic constipation.

Interesting fact: During the Vogon invasion of 2903XXXZ52.5 AD Famcake will actually rhyme two words.

Selection of Quotes[edit]

"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLEAN!"

Discography[edit]

  • Shower me with Asians (2055)
  • Michael Jackson was my Motha (2001)
  • Gold rims yo'fizzle (with a special appearance by Vanilla Ice) (c. 1987)
  • The water burns my skin (500BC)
  • Stalking Little Children (1974)
  • I can't pee (2007)
  • I touched a dragon and it touched me (In association with Richard Nixon)
  • Yo yo fizzle skillet remix (featuring Bobo the clown) (c. 1981)
  • Uuuuuuuuuuh!!! BOOM?!! (duet with an epileptic homeless man) (c. 1492)

See also[edit]