Family Circus

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NO SHIT, REALLY?!!.
*grabs gun, points trigger to head, pulls trigger...*
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Family Circus may very well be the best funniest strip ever. It is fucking hilarious. It revolves around four insane whiny kids who make random statements that are "extremely funny. Several newspapers have contacted Bil Keane, the comic strip's creator, asking him to please stop writing the strip because it was causing unhealthy amounts of unrestrained laughter among readers. Bil Keane was a close contender for the Nobel Peace Prize in 2009 for his "fervent dedication to the comical arts", but was closely beat by Barack Hussein Obama for his "being black". But seriously. It is a sad waste of paper, space, and ink. The reason why it (sadly) still runs in the papers is because it is loved by the old and senile. The Family Circus's widespread distribution in Japan has been attributed by many sociologists as the cause for the nation's unusually high suicide rate.

History[edit]

Family Circus is written by Bil Keane. It was originally called The Family Circle, in reference to the charmingly original border used with each and every strip. This pun has generally been accepted as being totally lame. Bil Keane has a sadistic side to him. Once source reports that Keane's goal in life was to create strips that are neither funny or inspiring, except when inspiring suicidal thoughts and tendencies. He has been annoying people with his unfunny comic strips since 1960. Noone gives a damn about Bil Keane being a god-fearing Catholic. Even Pope Benedict XVI believes that Bil Keane "hath created...an abomination." The comic is in fact based on real children that Bil knew, all of whom came out of the closet by 1986. Said Billy about his cartoon alter ego, " What Bil didn't mention is that I walked around in a Marylin Monroe costume all the time. It felt right. Her story spoke to me." Bil Keane is reportedly married to Anne Frank.

Christian Themes[edit]

Forgiveness[edit]

Forgiveness is a major theme in Family Circus. For instance, the children have committed at least three sins over the course of the strip, but are forgiven by their parents, and by God, because they're just so cute!

Ghosts[edit]

See "Grandma"

Billy running all over the damn place[edit]

That little brat-BILLY GET THE HELL OVER HERE OR I'LL BEAT YOU LIKE A RED HEADED STEPCHILD!!! For God's sake, put that kid on a leash or better yet, give him some Ritalin.

Abortion[edit]

The obnoxiousness of the four children is actually Bil Keane's way of telling new parents eager to have children to avoid parenthood by "any means necessary."

Characters[edit]

Family Circus has many uninteresting and horrible characters which are cardboard cutouts. The loving deadbeat dad, the responsible alcoholic mom, and the crazy old hag. There is one black child, but Bil has made it quite apparent that nobody in the comic strip actually likes him.

Billy[edit]

Billy has blonde hair, and welcomes you wholeheartedly to the Family Circus website. He is also quite skilled *cough* in the field of addition *suppresses laughter*. The family usually refers to him by his nickname, "bitch."

Dolly[edit]

An obnoxious fire crotch in a dress. Has allegedly had 4 abortions.

Jeffy[edit]

Billy, but with red hair.

PJ[edit]

The baby, and favorite character because he doesn't say anything stupid (note:in case you were wondering, his name derives from his constantly wearing pajamas.)

Parents[edit]

Named Bill and Thelma, they are based loosely on Bil Keane and his wife, Thelma (You knew that already, why the hell am I telling you this?).

Grandma[edit]

Bill's mother. Her real name is Florence, but everyone calls her Grandma. She is an old hag. She also happens to be a ghost. ... The spooky kind of ghost that creeps around your house and misplaces your keys, as well as the BAD kind that creepily watches over her grandchildren. She watches over them with her ghostly binoculars through their bedroom windows at night, just like a good Christian ghost should, like Big Brother. Jeffy has filed several restraining orders against her, but local courts do not have jurisdiction over the undead.

Not Me[edit]

Some kind of little white monster with the words Not Me written on his stomach. Not Me is known to occasionally reek havoc, such as knocking over lamps or spilling vases full of water and things of the sort. When asked who did it, the children always respond "Not me!" trying to tell their parents of the culprit. Of course, their parents don't understand and the little demon stands by, looking at the mediocre mischief he created. (Note: The words "he" and "his" are just a guess, even though Not Me most likely has both a penis and vagina (See pegina.)

Black Kid[edit]

While never mentioned by name due to his apparent lack of a soul, for the sake of convenience he can be referred to as Daeshawn. Known for his role as the token black guy, famous lines include "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Jeffy?!" and "Dayum gurl, dat ice is NICE!"

Drug Abuse[edit]

The Famiy Circus has been under allegations of child and drug abuse for reportedly giving their children hormone suppressants for the duration of the strip's existence. Bill and Thelma have denied these claims, stating that it is "completely normal for children not to age for 51 years when they are God-fearing Catholics. The Lord works in mysterious ways." The children then tested positive for hormone suppressants, their parents claiming "Jesus did it."

Freakin' awesome parodies[edit]

ROFLMAO!
If I laugh any harder, I'll rupture my spleen!
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It's funny because it's true.

Some people have decided that it would be funny to make fun of Family Circus by replacing the lame and unfunny and replacing them with the exact opposite. Whoever did these things should be recommended to MENSA.

There's another hilarious parody of the family, The Other Family.

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