Fart filter

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Fart filter is the first invention of the world's most famous inventor, Tom Cruise.


The fart filter was invented in 612 BCE. There is actually a quite funny story about its invention. Our hero was in his bedroom, attempting to get some sleep, but was hampered by his wife, Katie, who had just consumed a bowl of peanuts, two bananas, six pounds of boiled beans with cabbage and nine pints of beer. Tom didn't know what to do, so he got up, sat at his work desk, and began to think. He desperately wanted to do something about her flatulence, he needed to invent something! And there it was, he saw a trumpet, and an idea just popped into his head. He severely modified the trumpet, and that was the first of his famous inventions and the first Fart filter. It has also recently been made famous by a man by the alias of USAFDUDE1988.

The machine[edit]

The device uses a Fast Fart Transform (FFT) to convert the fart smell and sound to something else of the users choice. The fart censor is composed of a fart sensor connected to a Farty Pants Gas Alternator (FPGA) which runs the FFT. This controls the replacement smell device and sound output.

The machine is built into a horn like tube which is inserted into the rectum. It's small (about the size of a fist), no one will ever notice that you're wearing it.


Basically, it's a modified old trumpet, which contains a seismographic sensor, an FPGA, and a speaker (and 6 "C" batteries, of course). There are a couple versions of this machine:

  • Fart Filter Standard (FFS) - contains all of the before-mentioned parts, and it also has a USB port so that you can connect it to a PC and put your preferred sounds on it ("La chucaracha" is the default melody)
  • Fart Filter Economic (FFE) - same as "FFS", but it also has a "speaker saver", which plays a sound each couple of seconds if you don't fart for more than one minute
  • internet Fart Filter (iFF) - it has all of the "FFE"'s options, but also it has a Bluetooth port, so you don't have to plug an USB-cable to your ass (sick), instead, just stand near your PC. This way you can also connect to the internet and download songs for your iFF for as low as 0.99 cents per song!

Also, you have to change the air filter every 10,000 farts, but you're not limited here! You can choose between lemon, alpine fresh, orange, incense (especially suited if you often go to church), melon, cadaver (because some things really do smell worse than a cadaver) and 9 more variants of smell! Oooo, happy smells! A good thing to cover up those nasty blows!EW!

See Also[edit]