UnNews:Fat People are Harder to Kidnap

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There is an intrinsic reason why hippopotami are rarely kidnapped.

NIGERIA, WEST AFRICA—It’s a sad fact that in today’s vibrant and thriving terrorist economy, something as simple as overeating can send the abduction industry into deep recession. A recent, worldwide ten-year study[1] reports that 60 percent of prospective kidnap victims showed signs of unhealthy weight gain, and some were formally obese. This may account for the dramatic fall in successful kidnapping attempts during the same period. Of nearly 300,000 attempted kidnappings, barely 125,000 succeeded, those largely of healthy, trim victims.

Christopher Crackour agrees. He runs Nigerian operations for a West African private security firm now under contract from the Coalition Provisional Authority in Iraq. Raised in Bensonhurst, New York, Crackour learned his craft by abducting unwanted Canadians from Atlantic City at the request of the mayor and returning them to New Brunswick. An ex-Apartheid mercenary, Crackour remembers the early days of the conflict in South Africa. “We’d just pull up, grab them up out of their huts like bowling pins and throw them into the van and off we’d go. It was so much simpler then.”

Genevieve and her pets.

Crackour recalls an attempted taking in 1998 targeting Genevieve Sant, the daughter of then Prime Minister of Malta Alfred Sant. The grab was a hedge for pending reformist legislation he was due to sign, and was set for a spring evening following Genevieve's ballet recital. To minimize suspicion, Crackour sent in two of his more diminutive[2] agents. What he hadn’t planned for was the fact that nine-year-old Genevieve weighed 238 pounds. The operation was a fiasco. One agent returned with a ruptured L5 disc, and the other had borne the full weight of the girl for almost 2 minutes when she fell on him in the scuffle.

Many on the Forbes’ 400 Richest Americans list agree that this trend can be leveraged to their collective advantage. Sources at the Trump organization report that dieticians are working with several heiresses, including, Ivana Trump, Jamie Johnson (of the Johnson & Johnson fortune), and textile heir Cody Franchetti.

Even teams of kidnappers sometimes fail against the heaviest targets.

These spoiled socialites have been given a steady regime of high-calorie, high-carb and high-fat. The strategy is to make these walking bull's-eyes less palatable targets for a business segment ill prepared for what John Walton (of Wal-Mart) calls “a shift in market conditions.” Donald Trump would not comment directly, but released the following statement through his company. “We feel the time is right to take this action. The cost of exposed hipbones has finally gotten too high.”

When asked what advice he would offer to a young terrorist just getting started in the business, Crackour smiled and offered the following: “Work out your budget ahead of the grab—most important thing. I wish I had a euro for every time I had to let one go because we ran out of food, as if getting them in the van wasn’t a Workers' Comp nightmare.” Crackour then loaded his Polaroid camera and shot a photo of his most recent kidnap victim, Hali, a scrawny young man holding that day’s issue of the Arewa, a Nigerian newspaper, and an uneaten can of Chef Boy-Ar-Dee Beef-A-Roni.


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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.
  1. Study by S.N.A.T.C.H. (Syndicated Network of Abductors, Terrorists, Catholics and Homosexuals) of nearly 300,000 attempted kidnappings between 1995 and 2005.
  2. Def.: Teensy-weensy.