“In spite of overwhelming evidence that a gust of wind caused a freak chain reaction involving an easily tip-over-able clothes hanger, a very faulty gas vent, a crooked shelf covered with exacto knives, and a broken pressure cooker covered in grease, the coroner's final cause-of-death ruling is heart attack.”
~ A newscaster on another mysterious "accident"
“In Soviet Russia, Death cheats YOU!”
Final Destination (or God Doesn't Love You: The Movie) is the name of a series of snuff films following the antics of a mysterious guy named "Death" as he attempts to finish off annoying teenagers who for some reason gain immunity from horrific dismembering accidents.
What it's all about
The plot of the movies usually goes something like this:
- Several teenagers are having fun in some place, when one of them trips out on whatever thing people enjoy tripping out on at the time.
- The first accident turns out to be some shit future-sight that one of the teenagers get, and he or she convinces his or her shit friends to leave.
- The accident seen by the psychic teenager occurs anyways.
- More shit happens, and more people die.
- What follows next is a series of deaths that involve as much dismemberment as possible, usually caused by some series of inanimate objects working together to impale/slice aforementioned teenagers, in a style that's kinda like that awesome Honda advertisement, except not awesome.
- Aforementioned teenagers somehow conclude Death is behind it, and try to "skip" over their deaths by avoiding inanimate objects, which is kinda like trying to avoid oxygen or and retards. But Death always gets them in the end. Cause he's the Deathernaut, bitch! If he relied on inanimate objects all the time no one would die.
- At some point, a girl gets her tits out. No one knows (or cares) why this happens. Titties! Asian Titties!
The production of the first installment was unfortunately cut short. Since Death is a non-physical entity, he had trouble setting the explosive devices accurately, and the plane crash-landed on the teenagers who had previously freaked out. Death saw this as a huge triumph on his part, realised he was too good to make movies for mere mortals, and quit. In the following installments, if you look closely, you can see a member of the production team, dressed in a black cloak, running away from the scene of each death, before promptly being taken down by the LAPD.
Rise to popularity
The Final Destination franchise soon became a huge hit, prompting more and more sequels to be made. Unfortunately, this called for the extermination of millions of innocent teenagers, the only people who actually turned up to watch the movies. At this time though, the actual Death had realised his huge mistake at quitting during the production of the first movie, and returned for the infinite supply of money and hoes. Any person who slated the movies was dead within 0.3 seconds.
Much merchandise was created to be released alongside movies, ranging from action figures that could be horribly dismembered in the ways portrayed in the movies, to do-it-yourself kits with which children could enact their favourite deaths on their friends. Jack Thompson had much to say about the merchandise, but was quickly dealt with by the aforementioned 0.3 second rule.
The Final Final Destination
The writers were somewhat running out of ideas by Final Destination "Ohs mys goshs there's is hers boob". The premonition involved 20 teenagers dying in a horrific accident falling down a boobie trap, and death was present throughout the movie as breast cancer. Death was not pleased about the boobery made of him, but figured that his job was pretty much being done for him, so lived with it.
Once the world had run out of teenagers, the writers had to turn to old folk to keep the franchise alive. However, these old folk were old, and slow, and pretty much died from anything, but this was okay for the writers, who could now bring curbs and stairmasters into the plotlines.
By Final Destination 107,955, the world had run out of people to kill, so the project died a slow and painful death. Even if there are survivors, the movie itself will be so bad it will kill viewers anyway.
Well, at least Death was happy.
A spin-off from the original series is set to be released when The Queen shows her muff. It is named Final Destination: Shit Happens
Also a sequel to Shit Happens, entitled Final Destination of the Dead, which is a link-up movie between the Living Dead series of films and Final Destination.
Wait what are we talking about again?
An intersting Point
- Chuck Norris was in all 4 movies playing Death.
- Ryan Merriman was promptly sued by Amanda Crew, four weeks after production for rape.
- No Items.
- Fox Only.
- In the third installment, one of the actors/actresses actually dies during the filming of the movie. try and guess who it is!
- In the first movie, if you paused at the airplane scene just right, you can see Judd Nelson from the Breakfast Club. He actually dies from the explosion.
- If you pause Final Destination 2 just before the ladder goes into Evan's eye, there is a quick frame of the title, "NRA 4-EVER", just one of the many Right-Wing Propaganda pieces the directer put in the series.
- During production of Final Destination, a freak explosion killed every single main actor, which is why the director always chooses actors who have twin brothers/sisters.
- Also, the newest movie, "Let's hope this is the FINAL DESTINATION... no seriously, we mean it", is about a bunch of teens who avoid the cinema release of "Let's hope this is the FINAL DESTINATION... no seriously, we mean it", but then they all die whn they watch "Let's hope this is the FINAL DESTINATION... no seriously, we mean it" on TV.
- In Final Destination 3, if you pause right on Wendy's eye after she gets the roller-coaster premonition, you can see a rainbow with a flying pig on it.
- Final Destination 445 was postponed because Death was making a cameo in some South Park episode. Eh, who gives a shit? MUSHROOM MUSHROOM MUSHROOM.