Final Fantasy IX
Warning, some information you read on this page may be accurate, but mostly it is complete fabrications made by people and their creative/childish/disturbed imaginations
|Final Fantasy IX|
|Release Date||The Apocalaypse|
|Would Caitlyn Jenner play it?||Hell No|
“What? You can't do Ultima in this one? Aww, CRAP!”
“Anyone else notice my ability to keep running and never running out of breath?”
“Why do I have 4 themes in this game?”
“Bloody hell! I've just beaten that boss and now another one suddenly appears! Can't Squaresoft accept that games aren't meant to be four discs long?!!”
Final Fantasy IX (Japanese: ファイナルファンタジーIX; Fainaru Fantajī Aye Ex) is a racing game on the PS9 (we assume). It has became an instant classic selling five copies the day of its release when Square executives personally showed up for an instore signing got exasperated and bought copies themselves. Brings back many favourites from previous games such as Moogles and wild sex parties. This game fetured a lot of features never featured before, including the following: Loading into the playstation, spinning around inside the playstation, implimenting use of the Memory card and Controller system, featuring graphics rivaling games like Pong and Swiffer wet jet.
- Zinedine Zidane: French soccer player who is now a part of a band of half-naked thieves for some weird sexual fantasies. He wants to kidnap Princess Garnet for more of his own sexual fantasies. He also has "Ultimate Legendary HEADBUTT!" for the final special move. He has a tail that comes out of his behind and some weird obsession with Yu-Gi-Oh.
- Garnet 'until' Alexandros XVII: The princess who is tired of living in a castle with her evil blue hippo mama, Queen Brain, who is actually a Dalek living in a human body, so she wants to escape. Luckily, she is kidnapped by Zidane. She later changes her name to "Dagger" to fit in more. What the fuck kind of name is Dagger? Isn't the name Dagger even MORE suspicious? Anyway, at the end, she is revealed to be a clone of Tifa).
- Vivi Orunitia: An emo black mage kid who joins Zidane and Garnet on their quest for world peace for unknown reasons. At the end of the game he gets laid by Zidane's hot sis, Mikoto, but Vivi later finds out she was actually Zidane's brother.
- Albert Einstein: A sexually frustrated man, who is constantly on Berserk. It is thought that himself and General Beatrix are rivals, but to the smart player, it is known that they are actually doing it.
- Freya Crescent: Some random giant rat chick that Zidane picked up at a bar. She knows how to jump really high. She grew up on a street called Glenn Close (and interestingly, Glenn Close grew up on a street called Freya Crescent).
- Quina Quen: The most powerful ally in the game, due to his/her ability to eat everything. No one knows his/her gender and it is thought that it maye have eaten it's genitals. He/She also likes nice walks on the beach, and sitting near the fire place. His/Her favorite color is clear. He/She cannot swim, but tries to.
- Eiko Carol: The last survivor of the Tribe of Horny Summoners. Despite being only six, she's laid more than 50 guys, including Kuja and her pet moogle, Mogcock. I have no idea why do we need her. We already have a White Mage. And a Summoner. Oh wait, she's the only person who can cast that Phoenix spell when your entire party's dead?! Okay, then let's have her!
- That scary guy with red hair A.K.A Amarant Coral A.K.A The Flaming Poop A.K.A.The Dude A.K.A Aka: He randomly shows up and picks a fight with Zidane, then he joins your party. His only living relative is Carrot Top. Once YOU have finished reading this, beware. He is known for randomly throwing anything in the game inventory, including important game items which result in a failed game.
- Kuja: The gender-confused antagonist of the game. He loves to wear thongs and look girly. His best friends include Sephiroth and Ultimecia. He originated in a land far, far away which is ruled by monkeys (it's just really India in the future).
- Queen Brain: Fat blue hippo queen, who won the 2009 MILF awards earlier this year.
- General Beatrix: She'll join your party for a brief second and you'll learn you are just a totally shit player as she's about level 19 and can still kick your ass. She is badass.
Disc 1 Queen Brain (or the blue hippo mama) wants war as she has suddenly turned into a raving misanthrope who listens to black metal. The daughter of the Queen, who is adopted but so don’t worry about a smaller hippo looking girl, called Garnet is celebrating her 16th birthday with a massive orgy when we are introduced to our protagonist "Zinedane Zidane" from the French football team.
Our main antagonist then enters the town of Alexander the Queen meeting along the way a talking rat, a white mog and a drug peddaling chocobo! As 66 and the giant talking rat sneak into the castle to watch the show the castle collapses and everyone goes home for tea. The theatre group 'Queens inc' go to the fallen castle to perform the timless classic 'Final Destination' and to secretly kidnap the palace dog for their wicked test experiments. In a hilarious, yet plot defining, mistake the crew kidnap the young princess who they decide to use for their wicked test experiments. They are attacked by a giant flying halibut and beaten to submission but shortly crash into a bakery in the main town of Lindumb.
Our hero kills some squirrels and cats in a Lindumb festival before being jumped on by a giant rat. 66 becomes king of Lindumb but due to his lacking knowledge of economics the town goes to ruins in a couple of hours, everyone cries then explodes.
The party of 66, Zinedane Zidane, a giant rat with a hot ass and Steiner (a pompous knight race to fight a sea monster but first attend some brothels to up their stats). After walking a lot and meeting some unpleasent looking creatures they reach a cave, ring some bells and find a moogle and his wife. Stainer steps forward and offers them marriage counceling, they accept but Stainer gets eaten. Suddenly the strongest character in the game joins the team: Cait Sith. Our group of heroes go fight the dragon then go home for tea.
The group show up at the destroyed town of Prauge where the giant rat finds her people have died, everyone bar the rat laughs as disc one closes.
The group go up a giant tree and slay some hippies in a violent, yet rewarding, battle. 66 starts adding an extra 6 to his name, worshiping Satan and listening to Limp Bizkit. Things quickly go wrong as Cait Sith gets stuck in a wedge of cheese, the rat gets caught in a mouse trap and Zidane heads off for the '98 world cup. Here you fight the deplorable boss Ronaldo who's final attack "Tounge Swallow" will destroy the world. The world is destroyed as Disc 2 comes to a close.
It turns out the world wasn't destroyed there was just a blackout, our party manage to free themselves and head for Midgar, a city where everyone is rich and wildlife/flower life is abundant. Unfortunately the rat is allergic to flowers and dies instantly, everyone cries then goes home for tea. Later 666 (Formerly known as : 66) cuts himself with a safety pin and tells his entire contact list on IM about it. The attention he receives from whiny 14 year old emos makes him grow super powers and he tries to destroy the Millenium Dome in London, luckily no one cares. The party rush to the last battle on their rocket sleds but stop for cake in a quaint cafe first.
Disc 5 (No disc 4 due to oversight by programmers)
The final battle against 666 begins but the rat decides to opt out as it has indigestion and C. Sith decides he wants more cake, leaving our star footballer facing 666 alone. Our hero casts his final limit break "Feather Tickle" in which he finishes the enemy with a deadly headbutt and wins peace for the world. He is later taken to court on numerous charges such as - Manslaughter, first degree murder, cruelty to animals charges and one count of public flatulence.
Ever since, Zidane was banned from participating in world cups and churro eating contests.
Thus ends the tale of deceit, power struggles and bad game play.
Unlocking a secret character
When you reach disc 4 return to Alexandria and talk to Alleyway Jack, he will then ask you to help his friend who is acting strange. There will be a choice of things to say and reply with "This man are sick." And offer him a potion. In return, Alleyway Jack will give you 99 12" soldiers. Now make your way to Lindblum's synthesis shop and synthesise the 12"
penis soldiers to receive an item called 'Holey'. Once you've done this, go to Quan's Dwelling. Once you've entered a box will appear asking if you want to use Holey, select 'yes'. Doing this leads to a cutscene where you are seen ressurecting Aeris, who will then be playable for the rest of the game.
Top Eleven and a Half Phrases Uttered By People Playing Final Fantasy IX
- 11. The option to run as my default? FINALLY.
- 10. Why do you get fuck all for getting all 100 cards!?
- 9. Why didn't I get any goddamn experience points for beating that boss!?
- 8. I can't wait to come exploring here later in the game ... oh the city's just been destroyed.
- 7. Why can Kuja use Ultima but I can't!? This is bullshit!
- 6. I spent two hours searching for a Chocograph and all I get is an Elixir and a few fucking gems!!
- 5. Why did it take me thirty minutes to steal this damn item!?
- 4. Why does everyone look so fucking deformed?!
- 3. What the hell is Quina!?
- 2. Kuja is one sexy girl... wait.
- 1. NO! NO! DON'T TRANCE NOW... DAMMIT!!!
- 0.5. Oh yes Beatrix has huge tits!!
Behind the Scenes
- Among other things, Final Fantasy IX is not final. Nor is it first. Nor is it too hot. Nor is it too cold. It is just right.
SQUALL IS LAGUNA'S SON