Final Fantasy X
|Final Fantasy X|
|Rating||Low on Porn|
|Would Michael Jordan play it?|
“Wait a minute, I thought I was supposed to kill Sin?”
“Wakka Wakka eeh eeh!”
Final Fantasy X (Japanese: ファイナルファンタジーX; Fainaru Fantajī Ex) is the tenth but ironically least pornographic of the Final Fantasy series of RPG games indigenous to the Untendo. It is produced by SquareEunuchs, the only Japanese company that does not produce (and has no interest in) schoolgirl-tentacle-date-rape games. Square-Enix made a record breaking amount of sales with the game, with the total at a staggering 13 copies.
Billionaire and eccentric dinosaur enthusiast Kernel Kampf (David Attenborough), CEO of InGen, has recently created Jurassic Park: a futuristic theme park populated with dinosaurs cloned from their DNA and taken from fossilized mosquitoes preserved in amber. The park is situated on Isla Nublar, an island 87 miles north-west of Costa Rica; for security purposes, the island is surrounded by fifty miles of electric fence, and to prevent uncontrollable breeding, the dinosaurs have had their chromosomes altered to make them all female. As an additional precaution the animals cannot produce lysine, the building block for protein in the body, thus requiring regular dietary supplements.
After an incident in the park where a worker is fatally attacked by a Velociraptor, Hammond's investors and their lawyer Donald Gennaro (Martin Ferrero) request two experts sign-off on the island for the benefit of health and safety. Hammond invites paleontologist Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill) and paleobotanist Dr. Ellie Sattler (Laura Dern) along with Dr. Ian Malcolm (Jeff Goldblum), a mathematician, and Hammond's two grandchildren—Tim (Joseph Mazzello) and Lex Murphy (Ariana Richards)—to Jurassic Park in order to convince Gennaro and the investors the park is safe. The group is sent into the park as part of a safari experience to observe most of the animals. Hammond, meanwhile, observes his guests along with Head Technician Ray Arnold (Samuel L. Jackson) and his game warden, Robert Muldoon (Bob Peck).
However, the head computer programmer, Dennis Nedry (Wayne Knight), is in the employ of BioSyn, a corporate rival of InGen, and has been paid a substantial sum of money to steal fertilized dinosaur embryos. During his theft, Nedry deactivates the park's security system, allowing him easy access to the embryo storage. However, he also deactivates the security fences so he can escape the compound. The rest of the group, who have been stranded in the park due to the system shutdown, are attacked by the Tyrannosaurus that escapes from its paddock, killing Gennaro and wounding Ian. Grant manages to escape with Tim and Lex. Elsewhere, Nedry flees with the embryos, but his Jeep gets stuck during his escape. While trying to winch it out, Nedry encounters a Dilophosaurus that attacks and eventually kills him. The stolen embryos, hidden inside a shaving cream can, are lost to rainwater and mud that washes the can away.
Unable to decipher Nedry's code to reactivate the security fences, Hammond recommends a total reboot of the park's systems. He, along with Sattler, Arnold, Muldoon and Malcolm, shut down the park's system and retreat to the emergency bunker, from where Arnold heads to the maintenance compound to reboot the system. When he doesn't return, Muldoon and Sattler head for the compound; on the way, they pass the Velociraptor paddock (whose fence wasn't shut off by Nedry but was affected by the park-wide shutdown) and discover they have escaped. At the same time, Grant and the children discover a nest full of hatched eggs, indicating the dinosaurs are breeding on their own. Grant theorizes this is due to using frog DNA to fill in gaps in the dinosaur DNA sequence, as some frogs are able to change their gender in a single-sex environment.
As Muldoon and Sattler proceed to the maintenance compound, Muldoon realizes they are being hunted by the raptors. The pair split up; Muldoon goes after the raptors, while Sattler heads for the maintenance shed. She manages to reactivate the park's systems (narrowly escaping a raptor hiding inside the shed, which has dismembered Arnold). Inadvertently at the same time, Tim, Lex and Grant climb the electrified fence out of the park's animal zone and Tim is nearly killed upon the reactivation of the electricity. Meanwhile, Muldoon is ambushed and killed by a raptor. Grant and the kids head for the visitor's center; he leaves the kids alone in the kitchen while he reunites with Sattler and the others. The kids find that the same two raptors have entered the center, but they are able to evade them, reuniting with Grant and Sattler. Lex is able to assist getting the park's security systems working from the control room. Grant contacts Hammond and tells him to call the mainland for rescue, but the two raptors find the group and attack.
The group flees, only to be cornered in the entrance hall by the raptors, who prepare to strike. However, the T. rex breaks into the hall and attacks one of the raptors with its jaws, killing it. The second raptor charges the T. rex. Sattler, Grant and the kids run for safety while the T. rex and raptor are fighting and are rescued by Malcolm and Hammond, who have fled the emergency bunker in a Jeep. Grant tells Hammond he will not endorse Jurassic Park, a decision with which Hammond agrees. Meanwhile, inside, the T. rex grabs the raptor in its jaws and then crushes and kills it.
The group reaches the helipad, where they are evacuated from the island. As their helicopter flies across the ocean back to the mainland, Grant watches a flock of pelicans fly past, a reminder of the connection between birds and dinosaurs.
Tidus and his companions wander around a world called Spira which gives no indications of the passage of time and is mainly inhabited by townspeople who stand in the same spot and endlessly repeat the same two inane pieces of expository dialogue. Spira is also full of monsters, which come in many different varieties:
Companions and Gameplay
The protagonist (who isn't Tidus) is aided, albeit grudgingly, on
her his adventure by a number of companions. This help comes in many forms which include falling unconscious after being stung by a wasp, jumping up really high and falling on monsters with a spear for 18-36 hit-points of damage, summoning monsters in a flashy laser-show which took cadres of Japanese animators 6 months to animate, takes 15 minutes to watch, and makes your console crash at the end of it. The protagonist has a mildly grating catchphrase and little short term memory, causing plot points and foreshadowing to be repeated several times. His main weapon for much of the game is a bubbling fish hook which can be used for skewering enemies in and out of water. He has the power to hold his breath for a long time, even while unconscious, and can defy physics. Like Rikku, his physical features take on a distinctly more Asian look when subject to a FMV. Some of his companions include:
- Auron -- A guy with an enormous collapsible sword. He is said to be the distant cousin of Chuck Norris due to his awesomeness. Although Auron is by far the oldest of your party, he is extremely pretty and dreams of being a pimp. He can actually fight very well for a dead man (Spoiler Warning). Auron is possibly blind in one eye, and only uses his left arm for fighting, as his other arm us used for other valid purposes. At other times his arm is safely tucked away in his sleeve where none can see it, leading to speculation as to just what he is doing while leaning silently against walls. Oh and did you notice his armpits are silkier than your girlfriend's? Makes you feel like a fappin fag huh? (Can't blame you.)
- Rikku -- Yh ujanmo lraanvim Al Bhed kenm. Cra ec bubimyn eh hisanuic doujinshi yht slash fiction. Rikku's calnad du cillacc meac eh y ciban-bufanat sylrehy dryd fyc lnaydat po dra Al Bhed. Ed ymmufc ran du seq yho dfu edasc eh y crund cbyla uv desa. Ed cesimdyhauicmo kejac ran ghufmatka yc du fradran cra cruimt ica ed uh ran ahaseac un ymmeac. Cra famm vyhleac Auron. (For the convenience of those who cannot understand the gibberish known as Al Bhed, here's a translation: An overly cheerful Al Bhed girl. She is popular in numerous doujinshi and slash fiction. Rikku's secret to success lies in a super-powered machina that was created by the Al Bhed. It allows her to mix any two items in a short space of time. It simultaneously gives her knowledge as to whether she should use it on her enemies or allies. She well fancies Auron.)
- Wakka -- Named after the sound effect of Pac-Man, ya? A guy who wears dungarees and offers comic relief, ya? His main weapons are his accent and his Jimmy Neutron-esque haircut, which combined together would annoy most minor enemies to the point where they'd rather just leave your party alone, ya? Also he is the only white Jamacian in existence.
- Yuna -- A girl who suffered trauma to her vocal chords at an early age due to a mistimed Jecht Shot, rendering her unable to smile properly or speak above a whisper. Yuna is unique in being one of the few female Final Fantasy characters to wear a bra, other than Garnet. She has a tendency to laugh for ten minutes whenever somebody mentions the wind (breaking winds, get it?) Yuna has also been tripping on acid since she left the womb. She also has the most annoying laugh in existence, rivaled only by Tidus.
- Lulu -- A woman with gravity defying clothes. Unable to express emotion through vocal intonation and facial expressions, Lulu instead expresses herself through moogle doll-based ventriloquism and by making her supple, voluptuous breasts jiggle at various frequencies. She wears a skirt made out of a lot of belts, presumably to make the young Japanese user think of bondage and therefore not mind too much that it takes half an hour for most of the cinematics to get out of the way. She uses her magical power to annihilate enemies by exploiting elemental weaknesses and to keep her top from falling down. Lulu has been on various antidepressants for the last decade since her blitzball boyfriend (Wakka's brother) died. She gets over him eventually and bangs Wakka enough to make a spawn of his haircut by the time of Final Fantasy X-2.
- Kimahri -- A giant blue fluffy version of a Na'vi that accompanies you during your travels. Despite having fond memories of this guy, the average player will possible recoil in terror when finding out what the internet did to this once proud character. (It are fact; Furries ruin everything.) He is one of the many guardians of Yuna who is also hornless, thus banished from his tribe. Despite this is a good reason for him to be emo, he doesn't act like one. He speaks like a caveman and can't have his class changed like the rest of the gang. In order words, Kimahri is a blue version of Ayla.
- Seymour -- He is playable in one battle, after which he becomes the most annoying enemy ever, as he never dies. And that hairstyle is just so goddamned annoying you'd wish to have a paintball gun to use as a weapon against him. He basically is pissed off through whole game since Yuna won't marry him as he is too girly looking for her liking. In addition, he is the president of the Yuna Fan Club. After learning of Yuna's sudden indescribable love for the protagonist (it must be that tan, dude) he vows to destroy him using the power of Anima, the dark aeon. Besides Yuna, his only love is his hair, on which he spends four hours and several thousand gil's worth of hair gel each morning. So much that he never clips his nails. Also known for never dying and showing up at just the right moment to piss you off and for attacking with black magic in a specific order, making him one of the stupidest bosses ever. Apart from Lavos in Chrono Cross.
- Cactuar -- Possibly the scariest and hardest to kill enemy in the game. It can deal 1000 damage in 1 shot and the uber version from the zoo can blast 10000 needles of pure pain, totally pwning you. Too bad it is a two foot tall plant that has to jump to move around!
- Yunalesca -- No porn, eh? just wait for her and her clothes that if sewn together would only form a measly eight square millimeters, not inches... not that that will help, as after seeing her true form, most fanboys suffer from immediate erectile failure due to the extreme nature of her face. Unfortunately, she will never be your ally and is actually a foe once you get to the summit of the ruins of Zanarkand. A word of warning, she apperantly has AIDS, so don't touch her. (spoiler)
Even magical imaginary heroes need a break from killing wasps and flans every now and then. Luckily, Final Fantasy X's minigames pack almost as much depth as the main quest. Some of the exciting minigames you may encounter include:
- Blitzball: This game combines the action-packed action of an underwater version of netball with the intense cerebral tour de force of a pre-algebra mathematics exam.. In the world of Spira, sports aren't about reflexes, athletic ability, or hand-eye coordination. Rather, sports are about figuring out whose numbers are higher, and then hiring those players. Pope Benedict XVI is an exceptional Blitzball player. Steven Hawking is also well known for his blitzball prowess. Requires the rare, yet apparently common, ability to not drown despite being underwater for 30 minutes. Get out your TI-83 and prepare for some awesome sports action!
- Dodging Lightning Bolts: Pressing the X button over and over in Final Fantasy X's battles can get tiring after a while. Luckily, Squaresoft provided players with a minigame where you get to push the square button over and over at exactly the right time. One miss and you suffer a humiliating 0.3 volt zap. Luckily, lightning doesn't kill you, but it does make you sit through an annoying pause to allow you to reflect upon your failure. Lulu's ultimate weapon can only be obtained by dodging 200 lightning bolts in a row, so get ready for hours of excitement in this minigame. Can you become the ultimate lightning dodger?
- Chocobo Racing: FFVII featured a cute but humorously outdated chocobo racing minigame, where you could capture and breed your own chocobos and then race your way to the top. FFX takes chocobo racing to the next level. Squaresoft finally did away with unnecessary and detracting elements like chocobo breeding, capturing chocobos in the wild, raising and feeding, race tracks, turning, and actual human opponents. What's left is nothing but pure, extreme chocobo racing action. Your only opponents are the seagulls and blitzballs that constantly attack you from every angle. But wait we're not done yet! You can then race another chocobo rider who is the supmeme commander of seagulls who she use to make your chocobo shit itself with joy for about 3 seconds. Can you beat Spira's all-time speed record to earn Tidus' best weapon? (By the way it's a mile in -0,000001 seconds.)
- Capturing Butterflies: These ain't your daddy's butterflies! In the world of Spira, butterflies hover in one place for 14 seconds before vanishing into thin air. What's more, merely touching one of the evil red butterflies will make them all disappear! Get set for hours upon hours of trying over and over to find the one correct path through the forest! Or just ignore them and keep on playing the game like everyone else.
DAGGER'S REAL NAME IS SARAH, NOT GARNET