Final Fantasy XII
|Final Fantasy XII|
|Rating||We're not really sure|
|Would Jacques Derrida play it?||Rather get shot!|
“I'M CAPTAIN BASCH FON RONSEBURG!!! I'M THE BASCH FON RONSENBURG!!!”
“Yes, as an Archadian judge i am bound by law to always babble for at least 5 minutes using archaic "thou's" "hark's" and what not, so can i proceede to bore you?”
“Got to get me some of that...”
“In Soviet Rozarria I save my sunglasses from... what the fuck kind of accent do I have here?”
“In Soviet Russia, reverse abuses N00BZ!”
“I'm a gangsta, I got a lot of hos...”
“How fast is it? Is it armed? Can it take on the Ifrit?”
Final Fantasy XII (ファイナルファンタジーXII; Fainaru Fantaji Ex Eye Eye) is a tale of love, loss, androgynous anime characters, and dental floss. The 12th installment of Final Fantasy, it has done poorly in sales (obviously), partially because of the many Square Enix fans that had the common sense to return this game, but also due to people googling 'Ashe and Fran Mudwrestling' instead of buying the game.
- Vaan -- A stoner obsesed with getting back at the empire. His dream is to become a sky pirate and search for booty from the skies, as his current squease, Penelo, just ain't got that shape. Likes big swords and of course big asses. Wants to get revenge on the empire for killing his brother Tyranasaurus Reks. Played by Ryan Renolds as he can't seem to age. Oh, and did you notice how his face shining shimmering splendid like diamonds because he can't even afford to buy facial wash for oily skin even though he can get freaking lots of gil!? Alas, this is the life of a pirate...
- Penelo -- Head of Dalmasca's Itty Bitty Titty Commitee. She usually hangs out with here man-bitch Vaan.Very self conscous about her figure even though those thighs are what keeps Vaan comin'. She holds the world record for the most shittiest special attacks. They suck so hard they actually heal. I think it causes negative damage or something.
- Balthier -- Also called Ffamran Mid Bunansa, is a a sky pirate, known for his quick witt and use of his silver tounge as a cunning linguist. It has been suggested he is stupid; after all, only a total schmuck purchasing 'Altair' on the License Board. He is the owner and pilot of the Millenium, err... Strahl. He finds out that Dr. Cid is his father, and reacted with a dramatic and lengthy DO NOT WANT, the climax of the entire game. And then the Strahl exploded. The End. Also, Balthier is known for NEVER dying, no matter how hard you tried to kill him off, he just stands there whilst all his friends are dead. Because he has a gun that takes about several years to reload, that means he doesn't need to fight, or more importantly, DIE.
- Fran -- A Viera who can pilot a mean hoverbike. Hangs out with Balthier in exchange for copious amounts of "royalties". She is also known as Sexxxy Legs Misty at her old job at a strip club in lower-east Rozarria. Incidentally, she met (and cunducted business with) Vaan prior to the game's start.
- Basch fon Ronsenburg -- A royal guard who, due to his OCD, killed the king. He claims it wasn't him but his evil twin brother. Pfft, yeah right. Played with gusto by William Shatner. Frequents wearing randomly colored oven-mitts over his chest.
- Ashe -- While she may be a total bitch, and part-time nose picker, she is unnaturally hot, and therefore exempt of all criticism. She likes to gasp a lot and has hallucinations of dead people frequently. She is also one of the leaders of "La Resistance", a rebel group that aims to stop the Archadian Empire's plan of "MASS STARVATION"...
- Ashe's ass -- Could be considered a character in its own right. Ashe's ass is huge. And one of her most interesting features. Frequently seen being encompassed by a single, immovable (goddammit!) napkin that she stole from her dinner table. She's poor like that. But don't worry everyone, the furry pr0n scene with Fran REALLY makes up for it! May be the cause of the men of the party walking behind everybody else.
- Tidus -- After being vanished from the land of Spira, Tidus once again gone back to the another dimension, but this time joins Vaan and the gang, hoping to stop the war.
- Emperor Grammy Guinness Solitaire -- Really old guy. Has a beard. Subjugates neighbors. Enjoys cookies.
- Vayne Carcrash Solitaire -- An emo with a "flock of seagulls" haircut. Reported to be the worst final boss with the most amount of pussy underlings ever. His hobbies include laughing at falling fat people and hovering over Larsa's bed while the kid sleeps at night, because his ass gets pwned by Larsa McGuggles at the end.
- Larsa Apso A.K.A Sir "Lamont Larsalot" -- Rumored to be Vayne's younger brother and/or child male prostitute. Appears to be female, yet constant prompts from characters prompt suspension of disbelief. He seems to be interested in older woman, as seen from his sexual fantasies about Penelo. He is famous for his long, rambling speeches filled with pop culture references, which either means he has ADD, or is Joss Whedon. But he IS cute. In a child prostitute-type way. Also known for his bizarre choice of socks... and cocks.
- Ciderfus Demon Banana -- - "Ffamran, I am your father."
- Venat -- A ghost who tries to liberate mogkind by declaring war on everything and killing everyone. Possibly related to Guilty Spark. (Wasn't he a Pokemon?)
- The Supreme Court (of Archadia) -- A group of judges who meticulously make terrible decisions, oppress minorities, and otherwise make life miserable for non-Archadians. Also known to dress in sweet armors and look menacing. Sadly, they drop like flies. Among their number is Judge Dredd and that guy from Night Court.
- Judge Basch's Twin Brother -- The leader of the Judges. Built Noah's Ark. He has a certain "thing" for Larsa. Together with Basch they starred in the hit live action movie "The Super Ronsenburg Bros.". - "Basch, I am your brother."
- Judge Geese Howard -- a.k.a Ghis A lame judge who dies in the beginning and has a crap hair cut. Wears gold armor and mismatched socks. (Perhaps Larsa stole them?). Played by the immortal, the reverential, the most holy and lord of lords, Mark Wing-Davey.
- Judge Bergan Vegetus --Distinguished by his tall spiky hair, Bergan was always proud of his power, and with the power of nethicite it grew OVER 9000! He hates religion and gods, and kills the Pope of Ivalice and a city full of refugees. Shouts "Hark!" and wields a bigass weapon. He flips out and kills himself, as he just can't seem to best Kakarot.
- Judge Woman -- The only female judge, so of course they kill her, as she is a woman achieving something in a man's world-blah-blah-feminism-blah-blah-nobody gives a fuck.
- Judge Za... Za... Zargiathbathat... Zargobathnat... Zargatakeabath... Uhm, Judge Steve -- A friendly military man. Does nothing and thus becomes the only surviving judge of the game. Rides a guy named Alexander. Or something.
- Judge Foris Grishenko Zecht -- Destroyed an entire country and fled like a girl. Honestly, if you can ruin a whole effing nation why run like a sissy? Anyway, Zecht's identity remains hidden. Who could he be? Reddas? Yes, as a matter of fact. (You: Meesa got spoiled?!)
- Judge Judy -- Could possibly be the female judge... Square Enix is running out of the names in their Final Fantasy random name generator, so they are turning to the TV. What lame-os...
- Judge Tommy -- Another kind of a judge, and the husband of Judge Judy. The first white ranger.
- Sephiroth -- Yes, he's back again, but playing as role of a judge, so he's Judge Sephiroth. Since he dedicates his life to hunting down Cloud only to further harass him-creeepy-he spends half the game searching for someonewho doesnt exist in this world. He'll find his Huggy-Bear, though; no amount of worlds or restraining orders can stop his love-I mean- malice.
- Ba'Gangbang -- A sick pervert who chases people, trying to make them his gay sex slaves. Has a "bounty hunter" cover story that's obviously a load of shit. And trust me, you don't want to know what that spinning saw thing's for...
- Gijuk, Bwagi and Rinok -- Ba'Gangbang's sex slaves.
Sand People Tuscan Raiders FremenUrutan-Yensa -- They are people who dwell in the sand and raid those who pass by. They ride Bantha Yansa SandwormsFish. They are stupid. You wreck the shit out of them. I mean, you can chain like a hundred of them. Anyway, they're from the Westersand.
- Mudkip -- You can't see him but he can see you.
- Yiazmat* -- With over 50 million hp, this calm creature sympathizes with your efforts, rolling over and allowing you to hack him to death. It still takes seven hours to kill him, however.
- Miguel Jello -- An old lizard who lets homeless kids live with him in exchange for "favours" and "oddjobs". An expert on alcoholic beverages.
- Kytes -- A street child. His name is a combination of the words "cunt" and "dykes", which sums up the character pretty well. (No, no, no, not so really. Could have been derived from the word "kites". Yeah, you know that, but no. Kytes claims to be the descendant of the Prophet Muhammad p.b.u.h, so his Arabic name should be "Kayts".)
- Oedipus Reks A.K.A T-Reks -- Vaan's older brother. You get to play as T-Reks in the beginning. A decent soldier guy but Square Enix kills him off and lets you play as Vaan, the emo kid (still better than Naruto).
- Vossler New York Azelas -- Basch's best friend and a part-time gigolo. They have trust issues. Vossler stole Greg Dean's Buster Sword. So we all know what fate awaits him.
- Reddas -- A black guy. Yeah, just the one. Wears pink boardies, since he's a pirate.
- Marquis Ondore -- Leader of Sky City of Bhujerba. Enjoys having little girls sitting on his lap. Aids the heroes, betrays them, then helps them again. Leads the assault on the Bahamut in the end. His accent is one of an Indian imitating an Irishman imitating a Scotsman. During one scene of the game, Tidus is seen running around Bhujerba yelling "Don't listen to Ondore's lies!!" This claim turns out to be true, when Ondore reveals that everything he says is a lie. Spira is subsequently imploded by the paradox.
- Tifa Lockhart -- Not appearing in this game, unless one unlocks the "Hot Ramen" mode.
- Lulu -- Exactly the same as Tifa, but instead of unlocking the "Hot Ramen" mode, you must go on a quest to find the rarest item called the Prima Materia.
- Al-Cid -- Token Russo-Arabian player in search of a white woman (Ashe) to have sex with.
- King Raminas -- - "I'm gonna sign a successful peace treaty, end this war and not die!" FAILURE.
- Rasler -- Ashe's sex slave bitch before his death in the intro. Even Aerith did a helluvalot better than that.
- Mother Ronsenburg -- Mother of Basch and Evil Basch. When she became ill Evil Basch took care of her while regular Basch was all like "Pfft, whatever." and ran like a sissy. Remind me again why Evil Basch is the evil Basch.
- Rikken -- The guy nobody gave two shits about.
- Raz -- Lol, what?
- Elza -- You get to see her buttcrack. I kid you not. Square Enix are sexist.
- Old Dalan -- A poor, pot smoking Indian man in the ghetto. Square Enix are racist.
- King Raithwall of China -- A Dynasty Warrior. Much like Cao Cao and Lu Bu.
- Montblanc -- Sexier than LeBlanc from FFX-2, and one of the fanserviest games ever made. He's actually a monster who wants to rub his ass!
- Jote and Mjrn -- Fran's sisters. But if you are of the male gender you will read that as "hot lesbian bunny lovers", and not as "sisters" at all.
- Kjrn -- A female rabbit version of Legolas, only manlier.
- Moogle -- These guys appear everywhere in the game, KUPO. They are known for saying KUPO at the end of every sentence, KUPO. This is an obvious attempt to seem cool because they are far too short to do anything useful, KUPO. Except for Montblanc (what a hilarious name). He gives you things for killing monsters, KUPO. What more could you ask for, KUPO? KUPO KUPO KUPO KUPO KUPO KUPO KUPO. I say KRAPPO!
- Hume -- These guys appear everywhere in the game, KUPO. They are cute and cuddly.
- Seeq -- Walking and talking pigs. They are mostly in the way. Much like some races in our own world.
- Bangaa -- A lizard like people. Both Miguel Jello, Backgammon and Raz are Bangaas. Commonly referred to as Bangaasaurus.
- Viera -- An all-girls club for people with rabbit ears who are known for wearing high-heeled shoes. Also they must procreate through hot lesbian sex or something because seriously, where do they come from?
Rabanastre -- Big town that is sorta like an oversized arms shop. Seriously, the only shops there are for potions, weapons, sheilds and things of that sort. Of course there is a pub where you get to huff kittens for half price.
Lowtown -- Plays Arabian/Indian music, and it's actually an oversized storage house where the Dull-mascans without anything live, or maybe those who want to stay out of the sun, featuring the Demented Merchant who spends day in, day out, forging supposedly-fine weapons supposedly more powerful than the Zodiac Spear and never bothers to sell them. And also that other merchant who says "Business is mighty slow?" Well, no wonder! Dude, all you sell are measly potions and antidotes! Get a life!
Ogir-Yensa and Nam-Yensa Sandseas -- Obviously an idea thought of while on crack. The whole area is just like one giant ocean, 'cept instead of water, you get sand. Now seriously, we've had some crazy things in Final Fantasy. But at least try and obey physics. It's the law. Also has the most addictive game music, ever. The best way to have fun here is to whack at the easy-to-kill, easy-to-chain Urutan-Yensas and rack up on potions and sorts of that stuff...
Bhujerba -- Floating island where they speak Sanskrit. Insert Desi accent here, Bhadra!
Secret Village of Playboy Bunnies (Eruyt Village...) -- A secret village of Vieras one can only get into while wearing the sacred bunny ears of Hefner. It is basically a giant lesbian spa, but without the water. Once you leave the spa, you are "forbidden" from entering it again. It is advised to take "supplies" when entering the spa. Balthier does.
Necrohol of Nabudis -- features a mute Baknamy Merchant that spends his days there. Like, who would actually buy anything from you if you are there, in a secluded place full of your crazed brethren? They're so tough that no one can actually make it there, except for someone very strong, which is so hard to find and see, or would hardly go there because THEY HAVE LIVES! Don't you know anything about location? Yes, you may sell good stuff, but why here? You'll get a better life somewhere else...
Sky Fortress Bahamut -- IS A FROKIN DEDMON. Equal to Metal Gear Ray. Worse than Arsenal Gear. Two thirds better than Metal Gear TX-55.
Archades -- Capital of the Empire of Archadia. They invade lesser nations one after another. Not to be confused with the United States.
Rozarrian Empire -- Sadly, you don't get to go there. But we believe they give out coupons to the Secret Village of Playboy Bunnies. Not to be confused with the Soviet Union.
The Pharos at Ridorana -- The world's biggest fuckin' lighthouse, filled with homocidal birds. Not to be confused with Britney Spears' sex tower.
In the lands of Ivalice, where the shadows lie, a thief named after the vehicle he was conceived in runs errands for his boss, Jello. When doing so, he decides to try to break into the Royal Palace of Rabanastre. His 'friend' Penelo tells him not to go, but he is caught up in his dream of working at Chippendales. He steals magicite, meets a sky pirate, saves a princess, gets caught masturbating, and is caught by Lord Vayne, all on the same day.
Breaking out of prison, he runs to save Penelo, who was kidnapped by a group of Bangaas and uses her as "master bait" to catch Balthier. The Bangaas pour petrol on Penelo and cut her ear off while dancing. Meanwhile, the thief meets up with the Lady Ashelia B'nargin Dalmasca (what the hell kind of name is that?!!), as well as Balthier the Sky Pirate and his friend Fran. After saving the princess (in another castle) again, then they try to make a Final Fantasy by getting six members and fighting giant turtles in deserts while addictive music plays.
To Further Summarise:
-Doctor Cid is Balthier's dad, and dies.
-Reddas is Judge Zecht, and dies.
-Vayne kills Gabranth who went good again.
-Vaan and Vayne are the SAME PERSON! (Ed: Is there any proof for this?)
-Vayne becomes a HUGE ripoff of Bahamut.
-Somebody kisses a moogle.
-The Millenium Falcon is stolen.
-Vaan is the only one to see a problem with Basch's "my evil twin did it!" story, even though he's typically the dumbass! But all the 'smart' characters say "WTF Vaan?! He's obviously telling the truth, it makes perfect sense!"
-The ending credits roll.
- Ondore lied.
FFXII features the all new Alternate Dimension Battle system, where you travel through time and space and screw up the Chrono Trigger universe as much as possible before retreating to your own safe haven in Rabanastre, where you spend all your hard-earned gil on the slot machines. You can also go on quests to hunt down the Square Enix employees who were behind previous FF gems FFX-2, make Satanic pacts with Demons, and get hit by enemies who are ten feet away for no apparent reason in classic RPG style.
Thanks to the fantastic new gambits, battles are not the hard work they once were. In fact, it is technically possible, if one has the time and the correct game manual, to program the entire game to play by itself. This was a feat only previously achievable by Chuck Norris, but now it can be achieved by you!
Similar to "Limit Breaks" in FFVII and VIII, "Trance" in FFIX and "Overdrives" in FFX, there are special attacks a character may utilise in Final Fantasy XII. Once you have purchased EVERY FUCKING SQUARE on the Licence Board, then you go to ANOTHER damn License Board and buy ALL THOSE DAMN SQUARES, then you can use Quickenings. In order to charge the meter to use a Quickening, one must:
A: Kill an immortal Scotsman, or
B: Drop a lot of LSD.
C. Hold X,O, your dick, then lick your toes, make pancakes, and finally hold start.
Many of the game's fans, after finishing the game, noted great similarities between the game's plot and that of director Kevin Smith's films. Here is a partial list of things noted:
- Rasler dies at the beginning of the game; Jennifer Lopez dies at the beginning of Jersey Girl.
- Penelo and Vaan work at a store, of sorts. When they leave the store, they get into a great deal of trouble and have to run/drive away from everyone - a near mirror of the funeral scene in Clerks.
- Balthier is heard muttering that he likes circus seals in one scene.
- Dr Cid is Balthier's dad. Kevin Smith, too, has a dad.
- Both FFXII and many of Kevin Smith's films can be played on a Playstation 2.
- There are dead people in FFXII; there are also dead people in Kevin Smith's films.
- Baltheir refers to himself as the leading man; Kevin Smith's films also have leading men.
- Vaan is whining most of the game; Dante is whining for most of Clerks.
- In Clerks, the hockey game ends when it is revealed the team only brought one puck. In FFXII, the game is over when it is revealed you only brought one Phoenix Down.
- And if Fran and Balthier weren't based on Jay and Silent Bob, then I'm Kurt fucking Russel.
YUNA IS A CLOSET TOMB RAIDER FAN