Financial Setback Booklet
In an attempt to assist those employees that we plan on crippling financially, we have put out a sort of HOW-TO booklet that can help those whom we are either going to lay off or reduce their pay so much so that they are below the poverty level.
We apologize for having to take these extreme measures, however, after years of paying ourselves 6 and seven figure salaries, our shortsighted management strategies, our inability to recognize and change with the economy, our complete lack of vision and our poor relationship with the rank and file workers we are now forced to reduce expenses by any means necessary to provide management the ability to maintain our lifestyles because if we do not continue to receive our bloated salaries, compensation packages and benefits we will take our wealth of knowledge and experience to another company, because, as everyone knows, it has been through our brilliant leadership that our company is in the position it is today....aaahhhh, well, that's not what we mean, you see, its because of our leadership and experience that we are still able to continue as an entity and that we remain financially sound....um, well, you know what we mean, if it were not for you people asking for a livable wage we wouldn't be in this position, so really its all your fault, you deserve this, you're lucky we are even helping you out by giving you this booklet, you bunch of ingrates.......
The Top 10
This should not be a problem for many of you to begin the winter since many of you are overweight. However, since you will be unemployed, you should be steadily losing weight throughout the Winter. So by the time spring rolls around, you should have lost enough weight to turn your thermostat up to 82 during the summer and still be very comfortable. So, in reality, us laying you off will have positive health and financial benefits; and you say we don't care....
2) Rent out a room or garage.
Why do you need to park your car in the garage anyway? Just convert that wasted space into a room and rent it out! Prisoners and mental patients are always good candidates for renting a garage room to; they aren't particular and they're willing to put up with fewer amenities! Not to mention the government subsidies you could get for housing a federal parolee! We're really just looking out for your best interest.
3) Buy spare parts for your car at a junkyard.
Whether it be an alternator, fuel injector, starter, or fuel pump, you can always find those spare parts at your friendly local junkyard. Imagine how much money you can save by replacing that starter on your own with that quality replacement starter pulled from a totaled Honda Civic. Don't know a thing about cars you say? No Problem! Just buy one of those books on how to repair your car -- they are very detailed and tell you everything you need to know. Not sure why none of you have thought of this before... Hell, its easy as pie! Just ask my mechanic and chauffeur.
4) Quit Smoking.
5) Get hand-me-down clothes and toys for your kids from family and friends.
Why buy new clothes when clothes that no longer fit on your family and friends' kids are readily available?! Those clothes almost always end up donated or thrown away. Why waste that opportunity? Don't be shy about begging for these items; most people will understand your situation. In fact, if you want, give us a list of family and friends and we will gladly send out notices to them indicating how financially destitute you are and that you need their help! I'm sure they will understand. Hell, if you want, we can take out a full page ad in the paper and put all of your names and addresses in it so that EVERYBODY can know and help out! See, we are not such a bad group; we are just here to help.
6) Hang your clothes out to dry.
Why waste valuable electricity drying your clothes when you can do it the old fashioned way? Hang them out in your backyard to dry for all to see! Ahhhh yes, the good olde days; I remember when my nanny would tell me about how my grandmother's maid would bring in a load of clothes after they dried in the fresh mountain air. Man those were great stories. I can almost smell those clothes now...
7) Bicycle to work.
Look at all the benefits to this. You help out the environment by reducing greenhouse gasses. You reduce our dependence on foreign oil by driving less and riding your bike 5, 10 even 20 miles to work has definite health benefits. Just make sure you bundle up really well on those -40 degree days and watch out for that wind chill, brrrrr.
8) Don't be shy about pulling something you like out of the trash.
Airport dumpsters can be a very valuable source of items for many people. Hair care products, toothpaste, mouthwash, perfume, cologne, contact lens solution, bottled water, soda, liquor, cosmetics and many other "banned" items can be easily found at almost any airport dumpster. It's almost like having your own personal free drug store just down the street.
Another great way to find valuable items is to wait for your cities big item pick up day. Just wait until the midnight before the pick up and then cruise around town looking for those big ticket items that can be easily repaired with a little "TLC". Think about it, on a good night, you may even be able to furnish your entire home with other peoples cast-offs.
9) Downsize to a cheaper home.
Do you really need all that space? Most people can be perfectly comfortable in a smaller home. A 100 years ago many families had 3 and 4 children to a room. Most families today have 3 children or less, so moving into a two bedroom house with just one living area and bathroom should be just fine. Get re-connect with your children and spouse when all of you sit around together instead of being all spread out in all that needless space. As an added bonus, it is cheaper to heat and cool smaller homes, they do not require all that costly maintenance and you pay less taxes on a cheaper home, I'll bet you didn't think about that, did you?
10) Shower less.
Lets be realistic, if you're unemployed, do you really need to shower everyday? of course not. By showering once or twice a week you can save a fortune on your water and electric bill. In addition, if your kids are in high school, have them shower at school after P.E. Do they really need to shower in the morning when they will just have to do it again after P.E? of course not, in fact, if I were you I would shut off the hot water heater all together, no need to take a hot shower anyway. Cold water can be very refreshing and a great way to start the day.
Saving Money can be easy and fun
Now that you have no insurance, we know those doctor visits can be expensive, so, to avoid any more costs, if you need a prescription, ask your doctor for those free samples, trust us, they have them. Explain to the doctor your unemployed and can't afford your meds, they might take pity on you and give you a handful. Unfortunately, this tactic may only work once as your regular doctor may now be leary about your repeat business, thus leading to our next category.
12) Instead of continuing to use your regular doctor, go to one of those free clinics.
Free clinics in America can occasionally supply quality healthcare. Why go to your regular physician, pay $100 for an office visit, pay for some expensive prescription and possibly needless tests when you can go to a free clinic. Sure the wait may be several hours, but what else have you got to do? Free clinics don't perform needless tests and have free prescriptions, a win-win situation for everyone.
13) Grow your own vegetables and herbs.
What happened to the age old tradition of the family vegetable garden. You can save a fortune by growing all your herbs, fruit and vegetables and they will be healthier for you. As an added bonus to this, learn how to can and store your fruits and vegetables so that there is absolutely no waste and you can avoid purchasing those expensive items during the off season. Constructing a root cellar can be fun and rewarding, and will add value to your home. Why wouldn't you do this? you will have plenty of time on your hands, might as well put it to good use learning a new hobby.
14) With your income now low, contact your utility companies about reduced rates for the poor.
Now that you have no job, it would behoove you to contact the utility companies and ask about lower rates for the poor, now is not the time to be proud, every penny counts.
And speaking of pennies:
15) Throw pocket change in a jar and take it to a bank when full.
Do you know how much change ends up on the floor, in couches and in gerneral just laying around, its a bunch!! Frequent the big grocery and discount stores and just walk around, you would be amazed how much change you can find on the floor. After your pockets are full, head home and toss all that loot in a jar, just you see, in no time the dollars will just be rolling in.
Some of the more profitable areas to farm for change are:
- Vending machine rooms.
- Video arcades.
- Outside busy restaurants
- Casinos. (If you have one near you.)
- Outside banks. (Be careful, they may think your trying to rob the place, you may want to go in and tell the manager your just outside "Change farming" they will understand.)
16) Shop in thrift stores.
Thrift stores can yield some amazing finds. If you hang out at your local thrift store, many times they will give away free food, shoes and books, take your kids there after school and let them load up on free items and many times you can pick up quality clothes and furniture at deeply discounted prices.
17) Cut the kids hair yourself.
Imagine how much is spent on little Johnnie and Suzies hair cuts each year, why not just do it yourself? Never cut hair before you say? Don't have a pair of clippers? No problem, just sharpen up that pair of vegetable scissors in your kitchen and when little Suzie comes in and asks for some money to go to the salon for a haircut for her Senior prom, just whip those babies out and go to town, how bad could you mess up a hair cut, I am sure no one will notice those small gaps and mistakes you made. I am sure your kids will understand.
18) Use ripped up newspaper for toilet paper and cat littler.
You can save 100's of dollars a year by eliminating needless cat littler and toilet paper
19) Use the internet and TV for news instead of the newspaper.
Why get that daily newspaper when you can just get all the information you need from the internet and the nightly news.
20) Use e-mail and letters to communicate instead of your phone.
Hey, e-mail is free and letters only cost 39 cents, why waste money on long distance and local charges or pay costly cell phone bills, if it's important, they will wait to hear from you.
21) Use on-line banking.
Hey, postage is expensive and we here at Uncyclopedia are thinking of you when we say to use on-line banking because we know that you're going to be having those bills pile up with no income, so imagine all the money you will save with on-line banking, probably upwards of $10 a month, evey penny counts when you are scraping by.
22) Eliminate Luxuries.
Eliminate luxuries such as, cable tv, internet service, daily newspaper, phone service and your cell phone.