Fire Emblem

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Marth as he appears in Flaming Smash Emblem: Melee
Marth and Ike in Flaming Smash Emblem: Brawl

Fire Emblem is a series of strategy/role-playing video games for Nintendo's NES, SNES, Game Boy Advance and GameCube, along with some other systems that never came out anywhere. The series is produced by Intelligent Systems, a superintelligent game-designing computer not unlike the Mother Brain, although less inclined towards evil. As is the market standard, the game strongly plagiarizes pre-existing fantasy worlds like Final Fantasy and Dungeons & Dragons, who, to be fair, both ripped off Tolkien, who initially stole his ideas from God.

Fire Emblem is most famous for producing Marth, Roy, and Ike, the most sexy characters in Super Smash Bros..

Despite certain similarities to other games, Fire Emblem stands as a unique entry in video game history for its groundbreaking sexism and steadfast attempts to make the player cry. The latter is accomplished by the frequent, unavoidable and emotionally charged deaths of the same characters, no matter how many times you resurrect them, and even if you leave them out of battle entirely. It is also the original source of the epic rivalry of Red Vs Blue, since your forces, the Red Star Army, wage war against M. Bison and his Blue Moon cronies.

Fire Emblem is also the game that eventually led to the creation of Advance Wars, which is pretty much the same thing only Marth, Roy, and Ike become Tank, Md. Tank, and bike. Nintendo chose to create Advance Wars because nobody understood how in Fire Emblem, standing behind a tree while fighting someone would give you and advantage, so they proved how it makes sense in Advance Wars. Unfortunately, they also developed this horrible advantage/disadvantage system that was also something nobody understood. Therefore, they created Battalion Wars to prove how the advantages and disadvantages make sense. This failed, however, because people still were able to defy logic and take out 3 tanks using one infantry unit that they controlled personally.

Relatively unheard of in the states, the series became insanely popular when well-known yaoi couple Marth and Roy shared several controversial make-out scenes in the game Super Smash Brothers: Assault and Battery. The dying franchise then launched several new titles, making a staggering recovery despite an utter lack of innovation in the past twenty years. It had a short-lived anime series on the WB network, although the homosexuality was edited out to protect our children. Currently the series has moved on to greener fields, with the new smash title Battallion Wars: Path of Radiance, an FPS for the Xbox 360.


The point of Fire Emblem is to kill your enemy, the Blue Moon Army, by maneuvering across a flashing DDR dance floor and strategically killing their guys while making sure to step on the proper arrows in tune to the beat. The game makes no attempts to hide its simple Rock, Paper, Scissors combat system; in fact, your units attack with weapons like boulders, trimming shears, or paper fans, each of which is weak against one type of weapon, but strong against another. This was the best thing that had happened to the series since the weapon famine of '49.

Cormag battles a wild Pikachu in Fire Emblem: Yellow Version

Characters are divided into classes, like Ninja, Dark Ninja, Super Dark Ninja, Temple Knight, or Lumberjack; with females taking more delicate, easily killed classes such as Pretty Unicorn Rider or Magical Princess. Each class has its own strengths and weaknesses to offer, but using the main character and no one else is usually a good idea. Battles are decided by stats such as Strength, Obesity and Ability To Win, although at least once per battle, the game causes a completely unpredictable and arbitrary death. This is proven when a non-combat unit such as a Cancer Patient sneezes, resulting in the deaths of at least ten of your soldiers.

Fire Emblem games are notoriously easy, until you reach the last bosses, who use weapons like rocks full of paper or scissors made out of rock, and have a habit of pretending you didn't hit them, even when you know deep in your heart that you really did. Beating these bosses is generally impossible without a Gameshark or similar device, such as a Hammer.

The most unusual element of the series is the ability for players to stick two of their characters next to each other in the vain hope that one will declare their love for the other. Occasionally, this actually works, causing unique dialogue (with amusing Engrish phrases like "You spoony bard!" and "Et tu, Bruté?"). With enough effort you can take part in dating mini-games to unlock hentai scenes, which a minimum of all of them being at least somewhat incestual.

Fire Emblem: Chess[edit]

King, the hero of Fire Emblem: Chess

The first Fire Emblem game, it is criticized for having no story, although its gameplay is considered perhaps the best of the series. It starred King, a transsexual ex-bartender turned jaguar-faced pro wrestler. This informaton is entirely from the instruction book, since the storyline during play is absent. King does not even look like himself in-game, as the character is crudely represented by a white piece of plastic, wood, or other smooth substance, depending on which Battle Chest edition of the game you buy.

With a thriving two-player mode, where one of your friends can challenge you as Armor King, Chess was a major hit. The characters were lacking, though: many of them (namely the Pawns) had no distinguishing traits or skills and were completely identical. There was little to no character development, and the one-player mode was way too non-linear, with virtually zero events or challenges. This game began the tradition of character deaths being permanent and irreversible, which Sega would opt not to copy in their similar but easier title, Shining Force Checkers.


  • King: A Mexican luchador, and a very weak character until you can pull off his better combos. With the nonexistent controller, this is exceedingly difficult. If he dies, it's game over (the lord characters in future Fire Emblem games are obviously imitating this).
  • Armor King: A pallette swap for King. See Ryu/Ken.
  • Pawn: underpowered and uninteresting characters, they become useless until the end of the game, where they would change classes. However, this ability to promote was badly imitated in future Fire Emblem games.
  • Knight: Wild horses whose incredible speed and mobility is apparently limited by their obsession with the letter L, possibly because this is the only letter Big Bird has taught them.
  • Rook: A man turned into a tower by an evil spell, who is incapable of turning but can lumber forward in a straight line for as long as he wants.
  • Bishops: Identical twins working for the Church, according to their biographies. They were separated at birth, but if you try to make them meet, the game will crash.
  • Queen: Has the ability to make any other unit bite the dust, later on to be known as a critical hit.
  • Lesbian Queen: Has all the abilities of the Queen but can seduce the enemy Queen and can cause the enemy King to be pregnant
  • Mentally Disabled Farm Boy: Based on Forrest Gump except he's able to move 99 spaces across the map. His special ability is the Retard Rage where his critical shoots off the charts and leaves shoe ridges all across the opponent.

Other Facts[edit]

The game was released centuries ago, heavily edited from its original format. Shogi, as it was called in Japan, featured an entirely different set of characters, possibly due to copyright issues with SNK and Namco over King. Despite the differences, the fundamental concept was the same, and both versions of the game have their own cult followings. The expansion for Chess, Deep Blue, for the N64DD, was sold in very limited numbers, all of which currently belong to Reggie Fils-Aime. It was designed to add more challenge and one-player versatility to the game, but some Russian guy said it was really hard, and Nintendo recalled all existing copies from store shelves.

Fire Emblem 2: Marth's Revenge[edit]

Released for the Neo Geo Pocket Color, Fire Emblem 2 introduced far more classes, battlefields, and a semi-coherent story, wherein the title character, a blue-haired boy named Marth, had to avenge the death of King, his father. This technically made Marth Prince, although his musical career was thankfully not touched upon until later sequels. In this exciting game, Marth and his friends Legolas and Gimli must go on a quest for the Holy Pants in order to defeat the Demon King, Piccolo. Ironically, Shigeru Miyamoto changed the Holy Pants into the Fire Emblem for the American demographic, afraid a religious symbol in a game would offend idiots.

Once the Holy Grail was found, it could be used to earn a paper towel tube, Falchion, to kill the Demon King. This story was completely original at the time, due to the fact that stories hadn't been invented yet. Later, various English storytellers during the Medieval Era would steal this brilliant scenario for their movie, A Kid in King Arthur's Court.

Most players complained that Fire Emblem 2 was too easy, and didn't provide as much challenge as the original. This is primarily because of the introduction of Jeigan, a powerful knight whose martial prowess is so advanced that he might be compared to the legendary Don Quixote. Inserted into the game as a crutch for the worst players, he was overused by most and caused the game to be mistaken as too easy.

New Classes Introduced by Fire Emblem 2[edit]

  • Social Knights: Similar to the Knights from Chess, but no longer limited to L-shaped movements. There's also now a guy riding the horse. They're known for being very social and socially socializing with all your other units, socially.
  • Koopa Paratroopas: Weak, female flying units who can get over obstacles, but are incapable of killing anything except lower-leveled enemy Paratroopas.
  • Armor King Jrs: Units who are incapable of being harmed by anything that is not armed with nuclear weapons.
  • Mages: Use fire to attack enemies, but can be equally burned at the stake by Bishops for their heresy against Jesus.
  • Ninjas: They are secretly present in the game, but are completely undetectable, as they are one with the shadows. Be very careful as they are known for stealing loot and then disconnecting from the server or teleporting out via use of a Hearthstone.
  • Spies: Special units devised to cause controversy since they are the weakest of all units, but manage to eliminate the strongest of Generals.
  • Hot Chick: Units who excel at all sorts of combat whether its flying or sea fighting or ground fighting. Some examples are Lyn from Fire Emblem, Eirika and Marisa from Fire Emblem The Sacred Stones, Mia from Fire Emblem Path of Radiance and Goddess of Dawn, and Caeda from Fire Emblem Shadow Dragon. Caution though, sight of these angelic beauties for more than an atomic second will cause you to have a heart attack and asthma attack from the extreme hotness and will cause your eyes to incinerate whether you're a guy or girl. They tend to be attracted to red and blue haired people.

Fire Emblem 3: Ninja Gaiden[edit]

Named after the Ninjas who, unfortunately, still have not chosen to show themselves, this game added a new element, Monsters, which are strong and unnatural creatures which often attack you for no apparent reason. At the time, the graphics of these monsters were so real that The Pope, fearing their evil power, banned its release in Europe, indirectly causing the Dark Ages. This game also introduced the ability to "promote" characters by reaching the end of the map. They would grow twice as tall, but twice as heavy, and gained the ability to move backwards as well as forwards.

Breaking the mold of the previous game's story, this game starred a blue-haired prince named Alf, who underwent a difficult quest in order to obtain the holy sword Excalibur in order to kill his rival, Satan. Meanwhile, Alf's weak female sister Celicia, with red hair, must go on a trip to the mall with the cast of Monty Python to get the Fire Emblem, which is actually the Holy Grail, which is necessary because Jesus is quite thirsty in this game.

One secret character is Ryu Hayabusa the Dragon Ninja who is capable of killing all the enemy and ally units on the map and throughout the rest of the game and your data and will cause your SP to explode in less than a microsecond. If you choose to find him be sure to have a backup gameboy and cartridge.

Super Fire Emblem: Mystery of Fire Emblem 4: Marth's Revenge Parts 1 & 2 DX[edit]

The first Fire Emblem to appear on the ill-fated Super Nintendo system, SFE:MoFE4:MR1&2DX offered the largest amount of low-resolution sex scenes and textual filler available at the time, but it wasn't enough to save the system. Due to rampant fan complaints, the horses from Chess can be played once again by removing the men from them. However, the L-movements are still largely missing, possibly due to higher Japanese equine educational standards and a lack of dependency on Muppets.

Proving the creativity of the writing team to go above and beyond their own standards, this newest installment of Fire Emblem starred a blue-haired prince named Marth... again. In this story, Marth borrows from his friend, The Lord God, and breaks the story into two Books, the Old Testament and the New Testament. In the Old Testament, Marth again looks for Excalibur Falchion so that he can kill Piccolo, but then, in the New Testament, he must kill his son, Ma Jr., at the Tenkaichi Budokai. Despite the recycled storyline, this game offered a unique play experience that neither Americans nor Japanese were able to enjoy.

Fire Emblem: Record of Lodoss War[edit]

In an epic twist, this game covers two generations: first, that of Parn, a prince of the kingdom of Chapstick, and then his blue-haired blithering idiot of an apprentice, Spark. In Parn's adventure, you must rescue Princess Peach from the likes of Man-boy, a neighborhood nerd trying to revive his ancient water lizard. Spark's story features completely less-interesting characters and starts up abruptly in the middle of Parn's, much to the disappointment of people with taste. In truth, Spark was thrown in by Gunpei Yokoi who feared a game without a blue-haired hero would go over poorly, even if it contained the token quest for the ultimate sword, Masamune, and fetching the Fire Emblem yet again, in order to defeat Adolf Hitler. However, you never get to kill him, as the main villain, Jack Thompson does that for you.

Fire Emblem 0080: War in the Pocket[edit]

Amazingly, this game was so bad that it singlehandedly sank the already failing Super NES, known in Japan as the Happy Fun Party Time Family Computer. The last game to come out on the flop of a system; one wouldn't be able to tell by looking, however, as the graphics were nowhere near as good as even the original Chess's. As prophesized by Nostradamus and Mother Theresa, the fall of this game would come from its attempt to tell a smaller, side story amidst the bigger wars of Lodoss Island, centering around a non-blue-haired hero named Leaf. While bankrupting Nintendo for several decades, forcing them to get by selling playing cards, this also ignited World War 2. It also was believed that this game greatly influenced the growth of Scientology.

Fire Emblem X: Marth and Roy's Totally Yaoi Adventure[edit]

Realizing their error with their previous title, Nintendo decided a new and refreshing storyline was needed, and so this game was centered around a prince, Roy, who had to go on a quest for The Sword of Seals (see 1), in order to defeat Chuck norris. Gamers worldwide were blown away by this amazing new tale of good and evil, but unfortunately the red hair of the prince would dramatically hurt sales, a lesson Nintendo would not learn in time for their next game. :1: The Sword of Seals is a very odd little llama-pod weapon that is able to summon large armies of seals which will, upon [email protected], start yelling "ARF, ARF!" and confuse the hell out of the opponent, who had assumed that you would actually attack him. At this time the seals start flinging dead fish at him rapidly, burying him under an odorific mountainous heap of rotting icthyoids. As if that weren't already enough, Tom Cruise has an odd attraction to those hit by this attack.

Fire Emblem X-Origins: Special America Version[edit]

The first Fire Emblem game to hit the US shores, it sold a record-breaking zero copies because everyone stole it off the Internet by the time it was in stores. It featured such colorfully varied characters as Raven, the serious mercenary, who's also a badass, but only after level 15, Marcus, the shitty and serious knight-(but on a horse!), Serra, the cheeky one that everyone in game hates and thinks is annoying because they're just too damn serious, Erk, the serious mage, Kent, the serious horseman, Sain, the serial rapist, Oswin, the serious knight.

Dubbed Special America Version, this game featured an extra-easy tutorial mode designed to help white American gamers accomplish tasks like wiping their asses or eating. This mode starred Lyn, a shallow, airheaded, former ninja. Her only saving grace was the hawt hentai scene where she rescues your character (an injured, wandering tactician) and allows you to recuperate in her bed in her little house where she lives alone. Unfortunately this was removed by NoA staffers, who claim that it was "hot" and they "enjoyed it". Another infamous deleted scene is the incestual hentai cut scene achieved when Raven and Priscilla reach the A Support level. If the tutorial campaign was attempted to be skipped by the player, they would quickly receive threatening phone calls from Mr. Reggie Fils-Aime, telling them if they don't sit down and shut up and play it, he would "give them a colonoscopy with his foot".

This tragic tale followed the story of Roy's dad,Eliwood. Eliwood and his friends are peacefully enjoying cheese when an evil organization called the Black Fang takes it! Eliwood and Friends embark on an adventure to get their cheese back. Along the way to Dread Isle, where there is plentiful cheese, the player meets many characters, several of which will help in the quest for cheese. (However, most of them just throw rocks at the player) The legion arrives at the Dread Isle, only to discover that there is no cheese. An evil man named Truth or Darin, the Marker of Louse and the leader of the Black Fang, has stolen all the cheese. The player must fight him with the warrior units (except Marcus, who blows) to regain the cheese. But it turns out that Truth or Darin was just some random guy who said he had the cheese. No, the real cheese stealer was some pencilneck named Nergal, who was an emo and thought he could use dark magic and summon dragons. What a dick. So Eliwood and his egocentric butler pursue Nergal around the world for no particular reason, eventually returning to the Dread Isle. Some old guy named Math-O's (just as crazy as Nergal, but not as much of a dick) meets them and tells them that Nergal wasn't always such an asshole. Big deal. So Eliwood and his friends join Math-O's in a final battle to kill Nergal and save the world cheese!

Then Nergal summons a dragon, some chick named Ninian and her brother Nils were dragons, Math-O's dies, etc. The end.

The most tragic side story in the game is between two characters named Jaffar and Nino. Jaffar is a ninja who kills just about everybody in the game and Nino is a hawt 14 year old whose mother hates her. Nino is convinced that ninjas actually have feelings and that Jaffar is her friend, but she is stupid and is probably the most useless character in the game. Jaffar and Nino might be going out, making Jaffar a pedophile, but it is unconfirmed, because he just kills her at the end along with all of the other characters because he is badass like that. (this later is resolved by the Necromancer Deus ex machina, har har horf..

The few who played the illegal English ROM of this game were so confused by this ass-trocious storyline that they immediately thereafter casted Steel-6 on themselves.

This game also featured some kind of blue-haired criminal with an axe, but sadly, one had to beat the game to unlock his campaign, and this was impossible since all copies were released with a timed explosive that would go off roughly ten seconds after the end credits finished. The bomb, a small but potent form of C4, would take out the players' hands, and, depending on how nearsighted they were, their face. Shigeru Miyamoto thought this would appeal to Western fans of Inspector Gadget, but unfortunately, there weren't any.

Fire Emblem Gaiden and the Sorcerer's Stoned[edit]

FEGatSS was planned for American release due to a Nintendo executive reading the sales chart for FEXO:SAV upside-down, making him think it was the most successful game in the history of man. It was just crazy enough to work, though. A quest for the Fire Emblem, FEGatSS told an epic quest embarked upon by Eric and Erica, who are, God forbid if they weren't, a prince and a princess. They are distinguished by their blue hair, and they search for The Lance of Longinus and The Master Sword, respectively. Only these weapons can stop the evil Darth Vader from blowing up their planet. However, in an unexpected twist, the game allows you to promote your characters in branches, meaning that you can turn your level 20 Fighter into a vicious level 1 Potato! Also, in another bold and unexpected move, Nintendo decided to place subliminal messages inside this game, which caused the player to buy multiple copies of the game, and give it to their friends, who in turn would buy multiple copies and spread the infection further.

As far as the gameplay was concerned, it was exactly the same as the other games, but nobody ever seems to notice that. This is regarded as the most difficult Fire Emblem of all time, especially towards the end, where there are enemy Druids whose magic stat aproaches an unparalleled 7. However, a glitch in the game prevents the Druid class from using magic and instead has to wield a slingshot and rocks.

This game is also responsible for the plague of Ewans which has since threatened the world. That sentence alone says it all, really.

Sean Connery plays the role of "Duessel" a free-sprited monkey faced, crack dealer. After finding Duessel he will challenge you to a match of wits, asking you questions. Every answer to each of these ends up being "Turtle".

Another of this game's notable features is the ability to unlock characters after completing the main game by making your way through several levels of certain map points, such as the Tower of Babel and Ancient Roman Ruins. Characters unlockable through these methods include bosses, rulers, random citizens, Roy, Sigurd, Revolver Ocelot, Masterchief, Gordon Freeman, Link, Bob Dole, Arthur Dent, Cloud Strife, Royce Clayton, George Bush, Confucius, Guy Le'Douche from MXC, and a random Ho who had it with all the guys from all the Fire Emblem games. Village bicycle? Lemme ride!

Fire Emblem: The Return of Denning[edit]

This is a message from Lord Nergal, "I await you on the Dread Isle." This is a message from Lord Nergal, "I await you on the Dread Isle." This is a message from Lord Nergal, "I await you on the Dread Isle." This is a message from Lord Nergal, "I await you on the Dread Isle." This is a message from Lord Nergal, "I await you on the Dread Isle." This is a message from Lord Nergal, "I await you on the Dread Isle." This is a message from Lord Nergal, "I await you on the Dread Isle." This is a message from Lord Nergal, "I await you on the Dread Isle..."

Ayumi Hamasaki has a lead role in this game. (Unconfirmed) Considered the best game in the series by most fans.

Fire Emblem: Random Tactics Hero Game #8723[edit]

At some point in the near future, a program called Tactics Hero was released. Originally called Fire Emblem Factory, the name was changed when it was agreed that this was a crappy name (This was the most work done on the project to date, by the way). From this came many halfassed and all around horrible games. But a few, such as Random Tactics Hero Game #8723 (Affectionately titled RTHG8723) stood above the rest as quarterassed and not quite so horrible games.

While most TH-spawned games concerned fan add-ons to already made FE stories, RTHG8723 concerned an epic tale with a hero driven by one motive - sex. Unlike most other Fire Emblem games, the main lord, Yor, has a support with every female who joins your party (which, it is worthy of note, is every party member other than the main lord) and is not limited to only five. Because of this, endings ranged from Yor being a lonely man with a large porn collection to the mightiest pimp on the planet, depending on how the player supports with the other party members.

Following the classic FE tradition, the main lord was, in fact, a Lord, and he promoted to Pimp Lord. On this, he gained use of the weapon "Pimp Hand," which has a triangle advantage over all other weapons, and does double damage to women (It is worthy of note to mention that every enemy who is not important to the story is a female, and most story important characters are also female). Eventually, Yor finds the legendary weapon Pimp Slap, a weapon usable by only the mightiest of pimps. Through the usual Fire Emblem rite of passage, he obtains this mighty weapon, and uses it to defeat his rival pimp lord, Drugis.

A final note to reflect on is that Yor's mother, sister, half sister, several aunts, two cousins, and dog all join your party at different points of the game.

Fire Emblem: Heroes of Whore[edit]

Fire Emblem: Heroes of Whore is the latest cool game in the Fire Emblem series, the game featured licenced unlockable units such as Spongebob Squarepants, John Howard, Chuck Norris, Raptor Jesus, Optimus Prime, Ronald McDonald and George Bush. However, the game had many complaints, mostly because the unlockable units were just crap; Spongebob's only usable weapon skill was Laughing like a fuckhead and the weak John Howard could only piss people off to death with his super eyebrow critical. Although Ronald McDonald has a super ultra useful mastery skill known as Nun Nun Woo which instantly deal 99 damages to all unit encounter and it activations percentage is 9/10, which make him the most useful unit in the game.

Fire Emblem: Godless Dawn[edit]

Fire Emblem: Godless Dawn is a sequel to the much acclaimed Fire Emblem: Trace of the Red Steel of The pink bunny's socks which unfortunately only was released in Gilligan's island (Though rumored to have gone to Mordor as well). Although this game is a work in progress, everything is already known about it due to Ninja uber-haxors who invaded Shigeru Miyamoto's shack and stole the plans for the game, a lucky penny, his entire porn library, and the Fire Emblem itself, which therefore will not be making an appearance. The game is based on a thief named Sothe, who sucked so badly in Red Steel that Nintendo was bullied into giving him another chance by Reggie Fils-Aime. Unfortunately, due to meddling occult powers, (actually a bad case of indigestion) the Ninjas were unable to give internet fans any more information as of now, except for the fact that it also includes a female swordmaster with huge, working tits. This caused many of them to go emo and others committed suicide. Nintendo is denying anything to do with this. It also stars an incredibility old lady called Micaiah with grey hair. She has a bird she lets Sothe have sex with instead of her, and she hates it when Sothe talks about his boyfriend Ike. She can use Light Magic, but would be take about 10 chapters to raise a single weapon level if it weren't for the parallelagon skill, there's also a magic light book called Thani that is only she can use, that she stole from some random place that let's her rape Horse and Armoured Knights which instantly kill them. That's right, a book that only she is allowed to use, no one else can use it, just stolen from some random place that she has never even visited before... She lend a band of Rapist known as the Night Brigade, the member in the group include Edward Longshanks the first king of England, Leonardo di ser Piero da Vinci, Kevin Nolan, Laura Robson, Aran Islands, Michael Jackson and Volug the adorable puppy!

This game has CGI scenes, in which characters were poorly dubbed, as usual. This game has the 'bad language' icon on the back of the game cover, and it's no surprise when you're playing and you see phrases such as "Moldy onions! They escaped!", "The sub-human are here!" and "...".

This game saw the introduction of one new Animorph, the Wolf Tribe. As if the Beast tribe didn't have enough members already. Now you can control lions, tigers, kitties and puppies! For some reason, you only get Volug, who speaks the same language as Leanne, and Nailah, Wolf Queen of Hatary/Gay/Sex.

Like other Fire Emblem games, this game has A support character endings, where if two characters received an A support, then they might have a mention at the end of the game of what became of the two. The main character Ike can only have two homosexual endings though, one with Soren who is always lost in his books, the other with a stupid little cat that Ike's friend Boyd always rapes since he gets tired of raping Ike's sister Mist. At the end of the game, black knight who is often compared to gollum, grabs mist and rapes her to death. Ike tackles him and steals the ring of power, then throws it into mount doom. Afterward, you unlock the secret ending, of which you get to see Michaih's career as a prostute and watching her get raped countless times.

Fire Emblem: Shadow Boner[edit]

This is a sequel of the prequel that spawned into a bunch of sequels after a bunch of sequels although its not a sequel its a remake of the prequel which is not the prequels of any sequel. Simply said its a remake of the second fire emblem game. But new twists were added such as an extremely hard difficulty harder than Ninja Gaidens Master Ninja difficulty and harder than an erection injected with 50 grams of adrenaline. For example if you had a level 30 Marth with all stats maxed out and tried to kill a level 1 cleric with 1 defense the moment his sword touches the cleric it instantly drops Marths health to 1 and drains half of his stat point from each category. This difficulty can be unlocked through 500 5 star hard mode playthroughs which in theory would take almost 50 years so start while your still young. There are 1236098 extremely detailed chapters filled with CGI scenes and dialogue crammed into a Nintendo DS cartridge. Originally was over 139.56 terrabytes of data but massive digital compression stolen from Predator technology shortened it to 64 megabytes. There are 3 unlockable characters throughout the game and they're based on the Three Stooges. You can only save every 100 chapters on easy mode, 300 on normal mode, and you cant save at all on extremely hard mode to give you a challenge that will last a lifetime. If you eventually beat the game and say, your 80 years old you unlock a lesbian hentai scene and will cause the guy/girl a heart attack and make them die. So before you play the game consider the health risks and be sure to play everyday and live on the streets for eternity. A totally new class is called the Boomer which can move 99 spaces and spew diarrhea from its mouth causing 99 damage to every unit on the map and causes a horde of zombies to Rotten Claw your ass

Some Random Characters within the Fire Emblem series[edit]

Lyn A green-haired nomad with ginormous boobs. She is on a quest to save her grandfather, who is being killed by that ass Uncle Lundgren, who likes to wear purple armor and to keep reminding everyone that he's a villain. Lyn uses a sword, and when she hits herself in the face with an orange circle, her boobs grow allowing her to use bows. She's awesome and cuts the shit out of everyone. Roy's mother. You'd better use her or she'll kill you with her boobs.

Eliwood A dumb red-headed prince who constantly whines about his father and his dancing girlfriend-dragon who's about 15 years younger than him. Creepy. Well, he's a complete wimp unless you use the HAX0R ring to raise his stats. Make sure to hit him with an orange circle or have a priest wave his stick around to magically give Eliwood a horse. This will make him better somehow. I don't know how, but he can wield a sword twice his size with one hand. How you ask? Maybe he's part ant, I don't know. He's Roy's father. He's fuckin' boring. Next!

Hector An epic blue-haired insane guy with an axe that kills everything in his path. He solves all his problems by threatening to cleave it in half with his axe. He's the best character in the game because he can wield axes that are also twice as big as he is. These people like wielding weapons twice their size. When someone pisses him or his friends off, he really flips a shit and shouts everything he says and cleaves random crap. His favorite pastime is cleaving everything he sees. Father of Lilina

Fiora Some random pegasoos knight who has two lesbian sisters, Florina and Jonathan. She fuckin' joins for no reason on a fog level where everyone is an archer. Good thinking, fuck-tard. She's about average for a pegasoos knight, which isn't saying much, since they all suck. She's Roy's mother. Wait, I thought Lyn was Roy's mother. The hell?

Ninian The half-dragon, half-human cunt that's the twin of Nils. She strips for your characters to arouse them into taking another turn. She sucks 'cause she can't be a dragon. She's also the mother of Roy. WHAT THE FUCK? ROY NOW HAS THREE MOTHERS? GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!

Nils The half-dragon, half-human faggot that's the twin of Ninian. He plays his skin-flute to arouse characters into taking another turn. He sucks 'cause he can't be a dragon. Pansy.

Roy The son of Eliwood and somebody else. Who? I have no idea, but Eliwood apparently got in someone's pants because he has a son now. He would be complete shit if it weren't for that fire sword. Otherwise, he's shit. He enjoys being shit. His favorite food is shit. Yeah, he's shit.

Dorcas What happened to Dork-ass? I put poison in his mutton. (laughs)

Bart(re) The son of Homer, the poet. Has an axe. He's a fatass, so he can't swing the axe for more than 0 times.

Eirika The female part of the epic twincest that is Ephraim. She's the same exact thing as Lyn, except with blue hair, the rapist sword, and a twin. She does nothing to hide her obvious twincest with her brother, but that means nothing to someone who owns absolutely nothing other than a vulnerary and a rapist. Her brother and her have had nine children and live on a seaside cottage cheese. Or something like that.

Ephraim The male of the twincest. He looks like Eirika, except he's a woman. He spends his spare time murdering childhood friends who have been possessed by demons. He stabs mercenaries in the balls with his spear. That's what she said. He occasionally leaves the people with a few faggot horsemen and gets captured. But, all is right when he meets with his twincest sister and rapes her.

Lilina Hector's daughter with someone. Again, the mother is never shown. Can these people reproduce by themselves or what?! Anyways, she's a mage that reads too much Harry Potter. She also has nothing that looks like her father, except kind of the hair color. Does she look like Hector's daughter? No. I don't think she is. The only thing they have in common is their penis size. Which is Over 9000

Lyon Oh my gawshzez it's a possessed guy. He gets possessed by a demon and goes on a friendly killing spree. He actually knows he's possessed, but doesn't give a shit. He die. That's how the game ends. How delightful.

Kent and Sain Two knights of Lycia. Kent is very boring because he's a job freak workaholic boring mcboring guy. Sain tries to bang every girl he sees, be they 12 years old or 70 years old. They make a bad pair because Kent disapproves of Sain and Sain raeps everyone.

Lucius I don't what the fuck that is. I can't tell if it's a guy or a girl. It says 'he' but he-she-it is just gender confused. Has a crush on Raven

Ewan Fag. Cunt. Douche. Pussy. Shit.

Rath Mime with horsey!

Lute The best character. She decides to join you because she's the best character. Nothing can be done without her, because she's the best character. By the way, she's the best character. She fucks everyone and yells I'm the best character

Gheb He's God. He raeps Amelia and one of dem bitch pegasoos "knights". If you fuck with him he will fuck your shit up. I'm not talking about a flesh wound. You'll look like your mom if she fucked Sloth, which she does on a regular basis, since she is a whore. Gheb is the harbinger of man. He determines your fate. Mother. Fuckin'. Gheb.

Other characters include: Neimi, the shitty bowwoman. Amelia, the 9 exp. Marcus, the shitty horseman with faggy purple hair. Oswin, the epic win man of epic win. L'Arachel, the bitch ass princess. Much like Serra. Everyone wants to shut her up with their penises. Forde, the gay painter. Valter, the creepy German nazi. Athos, Gandalf the Dumbledore. Jaffar, the mime. Legault, the weird guy with knee-length hair. Isadora, ABSOLUTE SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT! and finally, Anna. Anna rules all Fire Emblem, she controls war, she is Chuck Norris's little sister. She hates trainees. Her lover is Jake And lastly, all your suspends are belong to her.