Fire Emblem: Abridged

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“I'd tap that”

Your average Fire Emblem player.

This article describes the Fire Emblem games, the characters and why lube is required. We're going to skip the first like, 6 of these since they were only released in Japan and no normal people with normal lives plays them illegally on emulators.

Fire Emblem 6[edit]

Seriously, who plays this bullshit. This was where Roy was introduced to the game. In fact, he was apparently the only memorable character to make it into any other game. We'd never know he existed if it weren't for a cameo in a Super Smash Bros. Game. To make a long story short, don't play this game and you'll keep your testicles and brain for another day.

Fire Emblem 7, the Blazing Boredom[edit]

It starts of with Lyn. Then it ends with Lyn meeting her grandfather. Then we realize how stupid this shit is and play the real game. You may consider this that tutorial crap for people who aren't fanatics.

This is the story of Emowood, who can never get laid. Seriously, what's he so depressed about, his father is only abducted and later murdered before his eyes. I guess he just never watched things like The Expendables or anything like that. If we wanted to be fucked up we'd vote for this guy. He can't even get any real stats, being the only character in the whole series to suck worse than Roy. To note, Roy sucks like a vacuum cleaner, except about a hundred times more. And more than that. So yeah.

Then you have the real story of Hector A.K.A. Hector Hometrasher. He smashes things. In fact I think he's the father of the Incredible Hulk. He keeps smashing shit until he smashes a Dragon. Why? Because the Dragon killed some old fart that's a rip-off of Gandalf. Who does that? Anyways, Hector earned his last name after he beat his former wife, Samus Aran. He was incredibly angry that she did not buy him more kittens to huff. After destroying his mutli-million dollar home, he proceeded to run into the streets. His whereabouts are unknown.

Fire Emblem 8, Sacredly Stoned[edit]

You follow the story of either the hooker, Eirika, or her stoner brother Ephraim. I can't believe that you can't be with both, but they end up being twincestuous individuals who kill off their best friend (notice how he's butt-fucked them both) and kill some goat demon named Mr. Tumnus. I'm sure there's nothing against that in their world.

Eirika got her start in the world after meeting Hugh Hefner. Upon seeing her talent, Hefner exclaimed "Fucking ducking horsecock sucking gay-boy! Bring me more Viagra!" Ever since, she has starred in 343 films, most notably Sacredly Stoned. Her role is simple: she falls in love with Ephy, her stoner brother (played by her stoner brother) and then commits lewd and sexual acts. Despite this, the ESRB has given the game a rating of E for Everyone.

Ephraim is a drug addict starring in a handful of films, the only known one being Sacredly Stoned. Best remember for his only line "The coe is meeeeeeen!" and his drug-addled appearance, Ephraim was quickly forgotten in favor of his replacement, Vaati. Enraged, he attempted suicide by overdose. He was unsuccessful and now resides in San Diego. He can often be seen in the streets jacking off.

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It's high, just not high enough.

Fire Emblem 9, Path of Radiation[edit]

File:NuclearRadiation.jpg
Chernobyl wishes it was this good.

You play as Ike, a Chernobyl survivor who needs to get out of Chernobyl, now surrounded by hellmonkeys. Seriously, he's so strong he acts like he's Thor or something, probably a stunt double. He also fucks the shit out of Elincia, the illegitimate child of the King of Crimea, who gets murdered by Ashnard, some lunatic who starred in that Batman game. Then in the sequel, he acts like he doesn't know her. Yeah, that's how guys get bitches, they act like they don't know them. Ike is noted for his lack of a sense of smell and that he talks about his "sack of marbles."

Most of the plot revolves around big gay fun time. The most notable situation includes Ike and his bitch, Soren, though Soren is definitely the woman of the relationship. They often go logging together. There is, however, an alternate pairing of Stefan and Soren; though, the story is only slightly different mostly due to Stefan not being a main character. Soren says about Stefan "His Jersey accent makes logging difficult. I can't say I enjoy him more than Ike."

The Black Knight is a pivotal character, recognized by his weapon, Alondite and the armor he wears. He sounds like a dominatrix in the only cutscene he stars in. Greil, who is also in the scene, is unhappy that Ike is seeing the Black Knight, so they have an anticlimactic fight. Greil dies because of the Black Knight's voice and Ike wets himself. This is left open for a sequel.

Fire Emblem 10, that one thing[edit]

This game took hard mode to a new level. If you enjoy being crapped on by wimpy characters, no real plot until Ashera awakens and destroys the world and has the feel of sex with a rhinoceros on sandpaper while sitting on a cactus with an anvil on you, then this is the game for you. Masochism and Sadism required by all idiots who drop 40-60 dollars on this game.

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Yes, this cat randomly saves the world.

Ike returns eventually, though he has the intelligence of a housefly. Instead, we are treated to a belligerent group called the Dawn Brigade. Not only do they suck more dick than Oscar Wilde, but they smell bad too.

Sephiran/Lehran/that pretty guy returns to make sure everyone is totally screwed. Continuing the trend of big gay fun time, Lehran is a total spooge wad. Let's just say no one likes him.

The Black Knight returns, this time voiced by Samuel L. Jackson. His role remains the same; he is still Ike's Mistress, threatening the relationship Ike has with Soren. Eventually Ike will defeat the Black Knight, taking his sword as a trophy.

Bottom line: Save yourself, go play in a piranha tank instead.

CHARACTERS[edit]

  • Lyn: The chick every Emblem nerd wants to bang. Her boobs jiggle a little when she's promoted so SEX HER UP. She also moonlights as a cancan dancer.
  • Emowood: The worst character in gaming history. I'd put him on par with Yogurt from Shining Force or Ben Carlisle.
  • HectorHulkSmash Housetrasher: HECTOR SMASH!! Equivalent to this guy.
File:FireEmblemFunny.png
Haha, take that Hector.
  • Eirika: A streetwalker in Sean Connery's employ. Torments Alex Trebek. Competes for hookerific status with Lyn.
  • Ephraim: Stoned. Always stoned. He never smiles. He never has sex unless he hires Eirika, or if a gay guy is around.
  • Lyon: That guy who gets murdered by Ephraim or Eirika. Depending on the path. Gosh it's so fucking stupid. Lyon is the fangirl bait of the game.
  • Ike: Bangerific guy who is trapped in Chernobyl. Directed that shitty movie that's going to come out called "Chernobyl Adventure Time." Loves teabagging Elincia and Soren.
  • Elincia: Biggest whorebiscuit in the game. Flashes virtually everyone.
  • Sothe: Some fag that somehow gets a main character role in that one thing. And by one thing we mean Ike's cock in his ass.
  • Micaiah: Old enough to be everyone's grandmother, fucks Sothe. You know she's on top.

WHY LUBE IS REQUIRED[edit]

Some gamers actually believe that stats = god status. WRONG lolgamers. You don't simply get laid by paying a hooker, you need to undress at least partially. The lube should come into play anytime one of them says:

"Have you done a draft?" where players schoolyard pick their favorites then beat their chest over who fucked Elincia harder, longer, or faster. Different categories require different rules.

"Personal Experience Means Something." Which is a fancy way of their bitching about how you got awesome characters and theirs only worked because they were rigged. These types of players are usually on drugs and take gaming too seriously.

"Fuck you." A phrase used while screaming at the dude who destroyed that Lord of yours. Again. Or in Emowood/Roy's case, the umpteenth time.

"Efficiency." Apparently the only way to measure the size of players Penis is to take the least amount of turns using that Personal Experience Means Something bullshit to see who is the "best." To be honest, if the players played real fucking strategy games they'd be less concerned about the least amount of turns and more concerned about having their asses handed to them.

Keep in mind, arguing is mandatory as all Emblem gamers tend to have that ego when people stop caring. So go fuck yourself, hard and fast, right fucking now.