Fireman Sam

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Fireman Sam

Fireman Sam was a popular Children's entertainer in the 1990's with his hit TV show, the imaginatively entitled 'Fireman Sam', which revolved around the life of a fireman called Sam. The show started brightly and recieved high viewing figures, reaching 500 million per day at its beak in 1993. However, after 200 episodes of the show, which was set in a small village called Firewood, the writers began to run out of ideas and were forced to create more and more extreme and surreal situations, which led to controversy in 1995 when they aired an episode called 'Sam saves the Jews', which was set in Nazi Germany and featured Sam sneaking into several concentration camps and rescuing several thousand Jewish prisoners. The show was axed by TV executives in 1996 and Sam has been out of work for the last 22 years. He currently lives alone in a flat above a bowling alley in Chesterfield.

Early Life[edit]

Sam was born on August 12th 1958 in Cardiff to Gloria and Norman Johnson. They had both been hoping for a girl and were rather downhearted at the arrival of Sam, with some reports claiming that Sam's father stormed out of the hospital cursing under his breath about God and the NHS. Sam's father has furiously denied these claims, despite the fact that there is video evidence of him doing it and several eye witnesses. Sam did not do well at school and was expelled several times for his homophobic attitude towards his fellow students. Sam has denied having a [homophobic] attitude since these incidents claiming...

'I'm not Homophobic, I hate gays!

TV Career[edit]

Sam first broke into TV in the 1980's, making an appearence in Postman Pat as a suicidal chartered accountant who Pat has to talk down from the roof of Sainsbury's supermarket. Sam and Pat maintained a good friendship up until 1993 when Sam claimed that his own show was better than Pat's, which led to one of the most memorable rap battles in history. Sam's big break came in 1989 when a television executive saw Sam starring in the pornographic movie 'The Fireman's Hose part III' where Sam played a Fireman who did more than put out fires. The television executive offered Sam his own Children's TV series called Fireman Sam: The man who puts out fires! This was later reduced to simply Fireman Sam, as most people thought that 'The man who puts out fires' was unnecesarry as the fact that he was a fireman sort of gave away what he did.

The 1st episode of Fireman Sam aired in 1990 but recieved global viewing figures of 3. This was less than the makers of the show had expected but the owner of the BBC decided to give the show a chance and it payed off as by the fourth episode the show was drawing in nearly 2 million viewers per episode. By the end of the 1st series, people were demanding more Fireman Sam and it was already of cult status amongst children, drug-dealers and Communists. Series 2 was an even bigger hit than the first series and led the shows writers to create a Fireman Sam movie, which they entitled Fireman Sam and the really Big Fire. The script was written in a mere 15 minutes and the movie was 1st shown on the 23rd February 1991 and was number 1 at the box office. The film was a huge dissapointment amongst fans though as it turned out to be 2 hours of Sam putting out one fire. To annoy fans even more, Sam does not actually move in the film as it simply shows him holding a hose from hundreds of different camera angles and occasionally making humerous comments such as

Whoa, this is a big one


Well fuck me this is a bastard to put out

Fans protested about the film and consequently the third series of the show was put on hold until the fans had calmed down. Then in 1993 the third series was launched and was well recieved by the fans.

Postman Pat vs Fireman Sam Feud[edit]

In Sams early years he was known as the fireman Sam, not just for the reason of putting out fires, but creating them to. It is known that Sam used to run at peoples houses with a hose which actually spurted out flames that licked peoples faces. Also sam used to set fire to many differnt things. Sam was then found to be guilty of 74 murders. He was then on the run in his fire truck, as he was going down the M25 he saw postman pat in his van. He crashed into the side of Pat causing him to be instantly crushed, the vehicle then rolled down the banking in flames and exploded causing shards of metal to scatter the moterway and impaled 5 people. Sam passed round the round about into Leeds city. He then attached his flame thrower to the fuel tanks on the back of the truck. Sam then ignited the petrol and fire sperted out of the hose. He then bailed and let the fire truck smash into the co-op causing the entrance to cave in. Thus caused an massive explosion which disintigrated 23 people in the shop, causing 3 casulties to burn to death, onlookers watched as people melted and burnt on the entrance to the shop. Sam was then given life in prision.

Series 3 featured the episode 'Sam and the horny Woman', which became the best watched Fireman Sam episode ever with viewing figures of a staggering 500 million. The success of this episode caused Sam to claim that This is real children's television, not like that fake shit that Postman Pat is putting out these days. Pat retaliated in his own TV episode called 'Fuck the Fire Brigade', in which Pat states that he started Sam in the children's television industry and that Sam can Suck my balls. Sam was enraged by Pat's claims and hit back in the episode 'Sam buys a dog', in which Sam buys a bulldog and lets it devour a stuffed cat, which Sam laughs at, calling the cat 'Jess' in a direct reference to Postman Pat's cat, which is also called Jess. In retaliation Pat released the song 'Sam ain't a man.'

Lyrics to Sam ain't a man by Postman Pat:

Yeah, yeah, uh, uh
Yo, Fireman Sam, think's he's a big hard macho man,
But no real kid would ever call himself your fan,
Cos you a little bitch and you ain't got a dick,
Come to my hood and I'll give your ass a kick,
I chill in Compton with the Bloods and the Crips,
While you at home in the shower playin' with ya tits,
We can fight where you want, you coward I ain't fussy,
But you ain't no man 'cos you got a fuckin' pussy,
Sam ain't a man, Sam ain't a man, Sam ain't a man,
And no kid would ever call himself your motherfuckin' fan!

Sam did not take this lying down and replied to this song just two days with his own record, 'Your Nose, My Hose'.

Postman Pat, Postman Pat,
Postman Pat is a great big rat,
Your nose is so freaking fat,
Even my hose ain't as long as that,
Yo, I'm puttin' out fires, you're delivering letters,
Just admit it you prick, you just fuckin' jealous,
I chill with the gals, you chill with tha fella's,
My DVD was in the top ten sellers,
You're as bent as a spoon that used to be Uri Gella's,
Postman Pat, Postman Pat,
Postman Pat is a big smelly rat,
Early in the morning, when a man next to him is yawning,
Pat gets up knowing that his show is boring,
Lets face it kids, his show got us all snoring,
Ha ha, relpy to that you fat ass rat

Pat continued to insult Sam in his TV shows and Sam did the same to Pat. The feud ended in 1994 when Sam appeared on an episode of Postman Pat entitled 'I Declare War!' The 2 of them are now good friends and rumours have circulated that they are dating each other.


The writers of Fireman Sam had gone over the edge on Series 3 of Fireman Sam by making 185 episodes. Due to the popularity of the show, BBC One was broadcasting 27 episodes of the show every day and the demand for more episodes was alarming. The writers had ran out of idea's and Series 4 proved to be the downfall of the show. 6 episodes were made for Series 4 and they were all terrible, putting Sam in ridiculous situations.The six episodes were...

  1. Sam and the Dinosaur
  2. Sam vs Father Christmas
  3. Sam saves the Jews
  4. Sam and the bloody axe
  5. Sam visits Communist China
  6. Sam fights a dinosaur and Father Christmas, then saves some Jews before hacking his mother to death with a blunt axe and escaping to Communist China.

The first 5 episodes caused mass outrage but series 6 was the final straw due to a comment Sam makes half way through the episode 'Concentration camps should only be set up for gays In real life Sam was physically attacked after the 4th series was shown as three men beat him up outside a nightclub. Sam made a brief appearance in the film Freddy Vs Jason as an extra who is hacked to death, which is officially most people's favourite part of the movie. Sam has not appeared on screens since this appearance.

Sam today[edit]

Sam currently resides in Pontypandy where he lives alone in a 2 room flat above a [bowling alley]. Rumours have arisen that he is dating Postman pat but there is no evidence of this yet. Sam has publicly declared that he has an alcohol problem and has gone into rehab. He has been labelled as 'Unemplyable' by experts and the general public. He married Postman Pat in 2007 even though gay marriage was illegal back then. Until Pat's death due to alcoholism, they were together for 9 years until 2016.

Fireman Sam is a Labour party voter. He has been a member with them since 1976. He even stood to be an MP aged 21 but the government fucked him off due to his age. He chose to be a fireman instead.

The Future[edit]

Sam's future is unclear but reports from The Sun newspaper suggested that he was ready to stoop so low as to go on Celebrity Big Brother. Sam has vigourously denied these claims sayig that 'even I was too famous for Channel 4.' Sam has attempted to get back on to the BBC but on the 25th May 2007 the BBC released this statement.

We have obviously heard rumours of Sam's desire to get back on the BBC with proposed new shows. Unfortunately the BBC has decided that Sam would be better of in hell and that he's got as big a chance as Michael Barrymore in returning full time on television. Perhaps Sky might want to save his career.


Sam Jones: Fireman Sam is the main protagonist of the series. He is from Cardiff and graduated from their fire training academy despite protests about him being a shit character. He has a brother called Charlie Jones. More explained later. He creates chaos, becomes a criminal, commits controversial acts and becomes an alcoholic in the later series. He was married to Postman Pat until 2016 when he died of alcoholism and binge drinking.

Elvis Cridlington: Elvis Cridlington comes from Pontypandy. He got expelled for his goofy acts sneaking beer and cigarettes to the Presley fans in school. Since then he assists Sam in troublemaking.

In 2010, 52 year old Fireman Sam did many criminal things. He abducted Norman and fucked him, destroys the Cut Price supermarket with a flamethrower and rapes his niece Sarah. He murders his brother Charlie after a violent conflict and robs his shop. He also kills Bronwyn on the same night. Sam kills many people including in the episode A CRIMINAL FINALE. More seen next paragraph.

A CRIMINAL FINALE: Sam stabs his nephew James to death after James makes fun of homosexuality. Policeman Plod from Noddy chases him down but he gets away. He also rapes Sarah screaming "FUCK SHE IS SO HOT!!! I WANT TO KILL HER BY HAVING SEX"!!! He shoots her at the end killing her. The episode ends with Sam on the run from Pontypandy. In 2011, Sam returns to Pontypandy apologising for all the crimes he committed since 1976. He was 53 in 2011 getting old and starting to grow grey hair.

In 2016, Sam was 58. His last season debuted. After that, his husband Pat became an alcoholic. He encouraged Sam to do the same which he did after chugging 10 beers in one night. Since then they are both alcoholics. When Euro 2016 came, Wales reached the semi finals. They drank so much that they were in hospital seconds later. Later that year Pat died of alcoholism making Sam depressed.

2017 came and Sam turned 59. His drinking got worse and abused several members of Pontypandy. Police broke in at 1:00 AM and Sam was guilty of alcohol problems. He was jailed for 3 months. When his sentence ended, he returned to drinking.

Sam is now 62 years old as of 2020. He hasn't got a life. He regularly drinks vodka every fucking night and his nephew and niece are worried about him. He was told to go to rehab but refused so he killed himself in the end. RIP Sam you were a fucking disgraceful cunt.

A Rare Revival With Nostalgia Ruined[edit]

A year after his death, Sam went back in time to 1987 which is 33 fucking years now! God we're old and bold! Enough of that dickheads! Anyway Sam had a wank in his shed and fucked several women models until he invented Bentknob The Robot. Bentknob was a dangerous alcoholic who traumatised some Pontypandy townspeople. Everyone except Norman hated him. Norman turned him evil and Bentknob wanted to destroy and kill his way through Pontypandy. However Penny foiled his plan and Norman was pissed off. He hacked her with a chainsaw but Penny survived.

List Of Episodes[edit]

Bentknob The Robot Sam builds a robot in his porn shed only for the robot to cause chaos and destroy Pontypandy traumatising the villagers.

Home From Jerusalem A rabbi comes to visit Pontypandy but Sam is banned from entering the synagogue due to him attacking Jews back in 1978 whilst drunk.

Labour VS Conservative It's the Welsh General Election and the whole of Pontypandy wants Glyn Wise, a Labour leader to become the Prime Minister. But soon Margaret Thatcher rages war against them! Time to fight WWIII style!

The Miners Strike Of 1987 Margaret Thatcher makes the children work in the mines, the women doing hard labour work in their homes and the men fighting. Sam, Elvis and Station Officer Steele must battle against her power hungry bastard forces!

Deep Trouble In Pontypandy The war finally comes to an end as Sam executes Thatcher by swinging the axe slicing her head off. Glyn Wise becomes the Prime Minister but a lot of work needs to be done including ending the strike, freeing the women and children and rebuilding Pontypandy.

Oh My Fucking God! A Paki Is Coming To Town!!!! An illegal immigrant comes to live in Pontypandy called Trevor Singh Evans. He is a Pakistani bloke who loves curry, farting, lager and the Hindu gods Brahma and Shiva. Dilys quickly falls in love with him and they have sex on her bed!

What Goes Up My Dick? Trevor has eaten too much vindaloo curry and blood comes out of his penis! He goes to the hospital only for Steele to slice it off! Trevor is then given a fake penis.

Steele Scores An Ass In One Station Officer Steele takes up golf after seeing his hero Tiger Woods. He quits his job and wants to become a professional golfer!

Disaster Strikes Pontypandy A massive thunderstorm strikes Pontypandy! Will the residents survive, or will everybody die?

Season 2

The Pontypandy Prince Tyrion Lannister from Game Of Thrones visits. Norman is fascinated to see him and soon he learns swear words, sex, slicing heads off and robbing people. Sam and Elvis must put a stop to their tyranny!

Job Day The children learn about jobs. Mrs Chen is a paedophile rapist, Mike does handjobs at the sex nightclub, Charlie is a fish killer and Sam as we guessed is a firefighter. But Norman accidentally yanks a man's penis too hard when Mike asks him to examine the penis!

Blowjob Me! Sam gives Elvis a blowjob. Chief Officer Boyce fires him instantly. Sam must wage war against the bastard Boyce!

Xtremepandy After watching Ally Law, Norman Price climbs up buildings, does parkour and sneaks into places at night! One day while climbing the church tower, he gets stuck!

Jesus Fucking Christ! Presley Is Back! Elvis is practising his band song with Mike when the news says Elvis Presley returns from the dead! Cridlington is so happy to see him that they quickly turn into gay partners!

Firework Night Goes Wrong Norman puts grenades inside the rockets and makes his own giant rocket making the fireworks illegal. Sam and the police must track him down. But it is too late when Norman tests them.....

711 in Pontypandy In a spinoff to 911, Norman steals the fire plane and crashes into the lighthouse tower! Time to teach Norman Bin Price a lesson!

The Two Elvises