FPS

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Typical of First Person Shooters.

“BOOM! HEADSHOT!”

~ FPS Doug on First person shooters

An FPS is a first-person-shooter video game(and sometimes your first person shooter). They are named this way in honour of Richard J Gatlin who, in 1862, became the first person ever to shoot someone. He enjoyed the experience so much that in 1864 he set up a series of franchised centers, where paying customers could go to one of his name-branded 'First Person' Shooter centers and shoot people. The idea proved popular, and shortly after Samual Colt set up his infamous 'Second Person' Shooter establishment, after becoming the second person ever to shoot someone. Not to be outdone, William Bonney (also known as Billy the Kid) promptly went on a killing spree then opened his 'I've Shot More People Than Either Of Those Two Nancys' complex. But in 1891, studies showed an unusual degree of ill-health prevalent in patrons of these shooter centers, and health and safety legislation was quickly drawn up to close them down.

In the early 1990s, it was realised that Gatlin's original "First Person Shooter" experience could be simulated on computers without the associated risk of poor health, and so the FPS genre was born.

Typical of First Person Hooters

Notable First Person Shooters[edit]

Wolfenstein 3D[edit]

Main article: Wolfenstein 3D

Released as shareware in 1992, the first person shooter Wolfenstein 3D quickly established Nazis as being the first people everyone wanted to shoot. This set a tradition that has since carried on and it is estimated that over 97% of modern first person shooters require the player to shoot Nazis. This seeming over-dependance on shooting Nazis within the genre has not met with the approval of everyone - former Hitler youth member Pope Benedict XVI has long campaigned to redress this balance, being cited on more than one occasion as saying “why can't we shoot the British for a change? Or how about those bloody protestants - surely they've been asking for it for years?”

In this game you play former star of 1980's tv serial “B.J and the Bear”, B.J Blazkowicz as a crack American army officer. Having accidentally shot his entire squad in a friendly fire incident, B.J is captured and imprisoned in castle Wolfenstein by Nazis, from where he must escape by shooting Nazis. Shooting Nazis leads to better weaponry, and better weaponry leads to better Nazis. Which he must then shoot. This game is also notable for a licensed guest appearance from Austrian celebrity chef Adolf Hitler.

Doom[edit]

Main article: Doom (1993 video game)

Released in 1993, Doom is historically important in that it attempted to set a new precedent in first person shooter gaming - that is of course not shooting Nazis. However not shooting Nazis proved unpopular with the then predominantly Jewish video gaming audience - who much favoured Grudge Bearing in their games - and sales were poor. These days the game sadly is all but forgotten

Spays Invaders[edit]

Although never completely finished or released, Spays Invaders is still regarded as one of the truly legendary FPSs. In this game the world is being invaded by ferocious matriarchal aliens of hideous aspect and power. After capturing and studying one in an assault ending in terrible loss of life, scientists discover that the entire invasion is actually driven by the species unusual susceptibility to severe PMS - and that's when they call upon you. You a hardbitten maverick yet disillusioned vet-turned-xenobiologist! You alone have the power to do what must be done! You must infiltrate the nest of these pre-menstrual invading horrors and do the only thing that can bring peace to both your species - you must take out their ovaries!

Sadly, the project was put indefinitely on hold some six hours into it it's development cycle after early feedback indicated some issues with the thematic content. To quote the lead developer at the time of hiatus -

"I am dismayed and hurt by this turn of events. Spays Invaders was a beautiful dream of games the way things should be - free development unfettered by such things as publisher intervention, a budget, taste, or indeed quality. And although the entire wonderful project was tragically disbanded shortly after lunchtime due to unforseen difficulties, it was showing great promise and was even at the playable stage. Sure there were a few rough edges that needed knocking off, we had none of the levels, assets, final sound effects or music in place, and most of the AI was yet to be added to stuff, but it worked well enough to convey the sheer inescapable bowel-wobbling terror that Spays Invaders was one day going be all about. But probably won't be now. Because I've been sacked and it it's all bloody Mildred's fault.."

It is rumoured that some early alpha versions of this game still circulate on the internet, and that the original website still runs from spaysinvaders.110mb.com

Notable People in First Person Shooters[edit]

Gordon Freeman[edit]

Gordon Freeman is best known for his role in the Half-Life, but he is little known for his ongoing dispute with a certain other hero of the FPS genre (Master Chief). For some dumbass reason he cannot talk ever, never, ever. Im not joking you can just go ask him yourself. A great rolemodel for geeks everywhere, as he is a sciencetist that can bitchslap aliens with a crowbar, never has to socialise AND he gets the girl. The whole package if you ask me. The greatest thing to happed to Gordon Freeman is when that bitches dad was killed, I mean, no cling on from the dad comi into the room shen that bitch is screamin her head of.

Doom guy[edit]

A legend, a classic, a monster. Taking on hordes of zombies and demons, zombie-demons, demon-zombies, the whole army here people! Any good zombie genocider knows that to kill a zombie army correctly, you need to use the correct equipment; shotgun, actually this is the only one you really need, with its widespread attack and high damage. but Doom guy knows how to make things more interesting; The Chainsaw, swords are just too normal and crowbars are just too geeky for Doom guy, he throws a gas-guzzling limb tearing Chainsaw in the mix. Bootiful. And you'll ask no questions why their are chainsaws on Mars; The BFG, the best friggin' gun anywhere. pwnage to the max, this gun is on the same level as one of Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks, if not worse. Yes ladies and gentlemen, the Doom guy actually outranks Chuck Norris. But not Carmine.

Tommy from Prey[edit]

Main Article: Prey

Meh, this guys okay. Not the cooliest. Well he uses.. like peoples arms... as weapons... or guns... He has to go save his girlfriend who gets kidnapped by these freaky ass aliens who are fugly as hell. These mutha's want to eat you up for "protien". He turns into an ghosty type fella' and can use a really awesome shiny bow thats shiny. As for close combat, he prefers a wrentch, so he can adjust its size to suit his ass kicking needs. Mind you not nearly as deasdly as the famed FPS MFer Mike the Library Guy.

Mario[edit]

Starred in "Duck Hunt: Extreme Hunting" and "Yoshi's Safari". These are the best shooters ever, or actually the best games of all time. Mario frequently shoots (and kills) the sun, Gordon Freeman, Master Chief, Samus, Doomguy, Mr Halo, Mama Haloman, God, and Tommy. Despite being extremely popular with young Japanese children and retarded nerd people who really should get a life, Mario is in fact a deranged psycopathic murderer whose preferred killing method consists of killing poor deformed children by crushing their faces under his huge mass. He is under the belief that he must repeatedly save a made-up wife of his from the reptilian form of Bernard manning. Luigi tried to take Mario's place, but Mario shafted him with mushrooms and sued his ass. He then killed luigi, impregneted his wife, ate their retard babies and fed the fecal matter produced from said eating to said wife, whom he later ate.

Luigi[edit]

O WAYT NVM PPL! ITSA ME!