Fist of the North Star
Fist of the North Star is the narration of the second coming of Jesus Christ as told by the holy spirit. Set deep in the Australian outbacks the story tells the adventures and misadventures of the reincarnation of God's son in the image of Sylvester Stallone. Much has changed since the first story. In the first series "New Testament" Jesus was a peace loving flimsy hippie who used his powers to heal and multiply fish, he is now a muscled behemoth called Kenshiro who uses his powers to blow people's necks and spinal cords to bits. He also has much larger eyebrows and is considerably more angry. In what has been describe as a move to appease fans and a response to critics he now acts instead of talking, whereas in the first series he threatened to send people to hell but never actually did he now kills a minimun of 20 people per episode(women and children not included). The reason given for this change in temperament is given in the first few episodes where we see Jesus with the reincarnation of Mary Magdalene, now called Julia. Julia is kidnapped by satan(who is now a blonde aryan), who dyes her hair pink out of spite. This drives Jesus insane who becomes his insane alter ego "Kenshiro".
The Origins of the Story
The story tells of how in 2008 Kim Jong Il accidentally blew up a fireworks factory. This was seen as an act of aggression by everyone else on the planet. The world leaders decided that the only way that they could beat him was to turn the world into a nuclear wasteland so that the radiation would mutate everyone into supersoldiers with laser eyes. Unfortunately the plan did not work and pretty much everyone died of cancer. The remains of human civilisation went to Australia and were divided into two groups. Half of them became farmers and cowards who spent their time being sick and crawling in sand. The other half became 80's style punks and bought second hand quad bikes which they used to run around the desert and rape stuff on. In this scenario God sent his son to put the world back in place but Satan turns him into the insane Kenshiro thus dooming humanity to a perpetual yet mildly amusing apocalypse.
The story then becomes a whole lot more longer and slightly more complicated when, after defeating Shin (Satan) with the Hokuto crucifixion, he comes to realise that God has also put two other sons (what ?) on the Earth: Raoh and Toki. Raoh is more pissed then Kenshiro, but, since he's the incarnation of the wrath and disbelief of God as opposed to super-badass Akira Jesus Kenshiro, he goes around recruiting the bikers to beat up more farmers while riding a horse that has a larger fanbase than most of the other characters. Toki is, in the meantime, busy doing something (see below).
The Raoh arc, essentially the 75 episodes that came after the short Shin arc we all know
During the course of the rest of the story after Shin, (which is five times longer than the orginal story), Kenshiro fights against a reincarnated Richard Dawkins, called Souther, and a rapper who loves to scoop ice-cream. For a short while, he met a cool, if overrated pretty boy dude called Rei, but Raoh killed him by poking a finger in his ass. Shortly before the story ends, we meet Rihaku and his Auriga warriors, but because they were all rip-offs, they all were pussy-whipped by Raoh.
The fight between Kenshiro and Souther is often considered to be one of the highlights of the show, second only to the fights between Raoh and Kenshiro, as it is one of the few times T.S. Eliot and Uncyclopedia get mentioned. Souther defeats Kenshiro easily, claiming that, with his incredily powerful logic and atheist skills, Ken can't defeat him. During their rematch, however, Kenshiro uses a move he realised he always had: Anime Beam. Souther, dumbfounded by this illogical existence of a beam coming from the hands is confronted by Kenshiro, who proceeds to say, "This is Anime ! Get over it !"
Of course, the story ends with Kenshiro finally defeating Raoh and asserting, after so much wanton violence, that God is a merciful God who forgives all sins. Raoh finally accepts, after receiving a fist that made a hole in his body. Raoh's horse is so shocked by these turn of events that one of his eyeballs actually falls out where it is quickly purchased on eBay by his fanbase. He then becomes Kenshiro's biatch and is forced to give free pony rides for the rest of his days.
Fist Of The North Star 2 (There was a 2?!)
Little's known of this arc, except that it involves Kenshiro battling a reincarnated Ivan Drago, called Falco.
In the beginning of this arc, Kenshiro fights Hulk Hogan and Mr. T. Mr. T makes first strike but is unfortunately forgiven by the Kenshiro's Oil Anointation Hand. It is unknown whether Mr. T's mohawk was harmed but, for the first time in documented history he was stopped by merely one blow. Not to be outdone, the Hulkster attempts to destroy the Savior by using the nipple twister of doom. However, he doesn't realize that Kenshiro's nipples are indeed untwistable and ends up torqing his body into a hotdog link balloon animal.
A very bad imitator of the Romero version of Joker also makes an appearance the emperor who holds Drago on a string via some sort of blackmail he holds from some election. Drago turns against him once the true election results are released and he burns him to death using his Palm of Syphilis technique.
Soon after, Drago is destoyed by a 17-year-old boy without a name. The text becomes vague here, but what can be derived is that the boy and Drago both die. Many different versions of the deaths seem to be available but the most accepted involves some sort of deep penetration, Kenshiro helping by giving Drago the greatest massage ever, and the burying of the teenage boy underground and them immolating him.
After this, apparently Kenshiro went to Sparta to kick ass, which was now ruled by a reincarnated Freddie Mercury named Han, Kenshiro's less talented brother Hyoh, and some guy in a Sauron costume named Kaioh, who turns out to be a revived Raoh with an X drawn on his face.
Fist of the Blue Sky (What the- ?!)
This new story has it that, after being bored with the post-apocalyptic wasteland, Kenshiro used his powers as Jesus to recreate the world into 1930s China. Although everyone, including the Italians, were sad that they were now Chinese, it was a slight better than suffering under '80s punks.
Of course, some would contend that this move would change the story from a cool post-apocalyptic story into a stereotypical Chinese kungfu story, but Kenshiro doesn't give a shit. If he wanted to set the story on Mars, he would do so.
Fist of the North Stars The live action movie
After Kenshiro's arguement with the producers for Fist of the North Stars 3:ATATATATATATATATATA this!, Kenshiro moved on to produce the live action movie based on the same name. The movie is basically Kenshiro reciting Bible quotes in the desert of Austrailia whilst many retarted children and Shin's mentally handicapped cousin followed him around.
This too is a major change from the first series.
Kenshiro's powers are not mysterious anymore but he is revealed to be the master of "Hokuto Shinken". This is an advanced mix of Feng Shui, Karate, Thai Cuisine and finger pointing. With the power of one finger Ken can inflate people to hilarious proportions or turn them into paraplegics with a slap on the wrist. Ken is not the only one endowed with divine power. To balance things out and in order not to bore his son he gave other people powers too. This is known as "Nanto Seiken"and is an advanced mix of claps, karate chops, pork chops and french. Nanto specialises in cutting people to ribbons and makes the user make whooshing sounds with his arms. Though different, both schools have one thing in common. Both make people do deifinite sounds when they are being killed. These include "Eiaoouwww", "Kiyahouu", "Otttoowweeeee" and "Hypochondriziffowhizzouww". Most famously, he is known for his mighty attack sequence, the fearsome Hokuto Hyakuretsuken ("ATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA"), in which Kenshiro's fists becomes a blur as he rains down a hailstorm of squirrel-like jabs on his opponents.
The mighty ATATATATATATATA
Kenshiro has decided to make his fearsome technique known to the public. The proper execution of the ATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATATA is deceptively simple. Should you, dear reader decide to learn this fearsome technique, please shout the following phrases in quotes below in a high-pitched, Bruce Lee like voice.
This is a salute to your opponent.
Body will buff up to a point where your upper clothing tears apart, also the big dipper appears.
For when kenshiro does mid-air kicks.
The execution of the Hokuto ATATATATATATATA takes place here. Note the "WAAAA-TAH!" at the end. Normally, this is enough. However:
Note: Should the opponent be tough enough to survive an attack, consider extending the ATATATATATA through this simple sequence by continuing the attack while
List of moves used
Hokuto Hyakuretsuken Hokuto Shinken move. See above.
Anime Beam Following the laws of anime physics, Kenshiro is capable of using his hands to emanate a massive, powerful beam to instantly kill his foes. He used this on Souther.
Other Main Characters
Shin: Shin is in fact satan who is in fact the only remnant of Hitler's youth in the 21st century. After stealing Julia from Ken he repeatedly tries to rape her but unbeknownst to him he has been cursed by god and has been given erectile dysfunction. This greatly infuruiates him to the point that he throws Julia off a palace roof into a huge pond of shining piss. When Ken finds this out he kills Shin by Hokuto crucifiction, ie. crucifixion him on a cross of uppercuts.
Julia: It laters out to be that Julia never died but survived. However, because no one cared about her, she started to cosplay as The Shredder. She then dies.
Batto and Rim: After a hard day of beating people up Ken would like to manhandle a woman's ass, but women are scarce and Ken has no time for courtship either. Instead Ken keeps two children with him at all times, a boy and a girl, to insert his manhood in them occasionally. The children are shown to actually enjoy this and seem to long to be anally violated by Ken. This was shown to be a move by the church to try and introduce the idea of child rape as socially acceptable, cool and enjoyable by both sides.
Colonel:: The Colonel was once a member of the Special Forces until everyone in his unit was killed by Osama Bin Laden. Then he put on an eyyepatch cause it looked cool, and started kidnapping little girls.
Raoh: Raoh is Ken's brother and he is even more pissed than Ken. He travels around on a horse and is the embodiment of the wrath and disbelief of God. He pretty much kick's everyone's ass and dies at the end by sending himself to heaven.
Toki: When Toki was young his mother used to tell him that if he masturbated he would become old faster. Toki did not believe her and on his 25th birhtday he turned 70 instead. Toki was very sorry but it was too late. Toki continued masturbating frequntly nontheless. He eventually dies after picking Ryuuga, who served ice-cream. He was voiced in the movie by Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-Film.
Amiba He's a genius. The real master of Hokuto Shinken, and is the only person ever known to completely block the Hokuto Hyakuretsuken. He was originally a blonde genius (no kidding), but his hair turned white after Toki bitch-slapped him. Did I mention that he's a genius? May be distantly related to "Steak-Arms" (see below).
Jagi: Jagi is actually Mick Jagger who, in the wake of the nuclear war, decided to learn Hokuto Shinken from Ken. Ken, sick and tired of being pestered by him, poked him in the head. Jagi then started having delusions that he was the Juggernaut, Bitch ! Kenshiro poked him one last time afterwards.
Rei: Rei is the reincarnation of Ray Charles. A misogynist with very antiquated views on women, he is also pretty much horny, but is still presented as a good guy because he hangs out with Kenshiro. He dies from complications attributed to being poked in the ass by Raoh during a beautiful music video.
Mamiya: Mamiya is really the clone of Julia. She was placed in the show purely to appease the complaints of fans who were tired of seeing Ken manhandle two kids and wanted Julia to return. After a while, the writers got tired of her, and she decided to stay in a village looking after kids.
Souther: The reincarnation of Richard Dawkins. As a young kid, Souther killed his teacher, and Souther decided to blame God by stating he didn't exist. He then built a pyramid that he called 'the Blind Watchmaker'. Souther managed to defeat Kenshiro once with the power of logic, but that wasn't enough to stop his fists the second time round.
Juda: The reincarnation of Richard Simmons. Now an incredibly powerful bisexual, the fitness of his previous life has turned Juda into a powerful user of Nanto Seiken, using the gay-ass techniques of the flamingo. Personally likes to manhandle Rei and Mamiya, but fails as Rei was already manhandled by Raoh, and later manhandled Yuda in revenge.
Shuu: During the nuclear war, Michael Schumacher was driving his car when he single-handedly survived an atomic blast. The blast however, rendered him blind. Giving up racing, he decided to learn some bad-ass hip-hop capoeira to help break it down with his other homies in da 'hood. Souther later kills him due to his hatred of street dance, aside from God.
Ryuuga: The Fist of the Dog Star and Julia's brother. Part time rapper, part time ice-cream man, Kenshiro later attacked him because he was denied free ice-cream. However, he had already died after Toki had picked him up.
Jyuuza: The reincarnation of Chad Warden. He is also Julia's OTHER brother and the Fist of Capella. A master of A Capella, he gets all the bitchez (except Julia) and represented 'Heart' in Rihaku's Auriga (Gosashei) warriors. He calls himself a cloud, but he looks more like a human. He later dies when trying to convince Raoh to buy the PS Triple.
Rihaku and the Auriga(Gosashei): After watching too much Avatar the Last Airbender and Captain Planet, Rihaku, son of Pakku, decided to feature his own Air, Sky, Water, Earth and Fire warriors in the story. Raoh was not amused.
Falco: Reincarnation of Ivan Drago. He prefers to throw fireballs like no tomorrow. Had the dubious honour of getting utterly PWNT by a no named mook. How embarrrasing.
Jakoh: A Jpanese mistranslation of jack-off, Jakoh was the governer of New Jersey until Falco shot him in the face.
Han: The third ruler of Sparta. A reincarnated Freddy Mercury who somehow manages to be manlier than Juda.
Hyoh: The second ruler of Sparta. Kenshiro's less-talented brother, who wasn't badass enough to learn Hokuto Shinken, so he was taught a weaksauce version called Hokuto Ryuuken.
Kaioh: The first ruler of Sparta. See Raoh...except with an X on his face.
- When Chuck Norris and Kenshiro shook hands, Chuck Norris whimpered, and pulled his hand back quick fast. Ken however, was fine.
- The anime is 1000 episodes long. The majority of the episodes are fillers where Ken beats a guy who seems invincible to powerless civilians, but is putty in Ken's hands.
- Fist of the North Star was originally called "Bible 2: Sudden Justice"
- A cameo by Jennifer Aniston in episode 52 was cancelled because no one gives a shit about her anymore
- A PC Game was developed but the programmers lost the serial number before installing it and up to this day no one has managed to produce a crack, making the game largely unplayable
- Many characters were cut from the final production. These include Steak-arms and Tokomatu Yoshihura Motohide who was the spirit of Emperor Hirohito damned to walk the earth for all eternity(or until 2012, whichever came first)
- Pope Benedict XVI declared Kenshiro a Saint in 2006
- Creationists believe Fist of the North star is a prediction of the future.
- I don't.
- But it'd be real cool if it were true.
- A movie starring Steven Segal was dropped because he could not blow people up with fingers and they lacked funds for any type of special effects.
- Kenshiro killed Uwe Boll just to be on the safe side.
- You're already dead.
- Gatorade is made of Kenshiro's sweat
- Bears have a holiday devoted to Kenshiro due to the fact that humanity is already dead
- Kenshiro's scientific discoveries include learning that Dragon Ball and its sequels were just measuring sticks for Anime power levels, and weaker than most anime characters. To this day, DBZ fanboys hate him with a passion.
Kenshiro and DBZ
Originally, Kenshiro had come first. He was also much stronger, and had much material stolen (ex. Screaming, Punching alot ala Hyakuretsu ken, Aura power ups, etc). They pansied up what they stole, and had it go on for an ungodly number of episodes (not exagerating. it took 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 episodes, but only an estimate. There are said to be more. Not counting Fillers.)
DBZ fans also claim Goku is stronger, due to his popularity, and will do anything to prove his strength, to the point they create Bullshit about both characters. However an interview with Chuck Norris Proved otherwise.
"He took one look at me and cried." Said Chuck. "He threatened me, sayin' 'he could destroy the solar system.' I Elbowed him through a window, and he told that bitchwhore Chi Chi on me."
Kenshiro did not comment. He currently waits for an actual invitation to battle. One Goku will never send due to his fear of being killed (For good. And Under 200 episodes length for the battle.)
To This day, there has been no conversation between the two.