Five pillars of pirating
The Five pillars of pirating are the foundations of a pirate's life. They are Looting, Pillaging, Boating, Fancy, and Rape. Various sects and factions of piratism have sought to add pillars to the fundamental five, such as not being gay, stealthiness, or having gills.
"It is the duty of all pirates to loot, steal and plunder until their mighty pockets are overflowing."
This is the first and most important pillar of piratism, because a pirate is essentially a dirty thief who will steal your teeth right out of your face. The following is a true account of a pirate's teeth stealing ways:
Yo, last week I was jus' walking down the street, and this big motha' pirate comes up to me and I'm all like "Yo, what up bro?" and this pirates jus' gets all up in my face and says "I want your teeth, give them to me." So I jus' split homie and ran home, but when I woke up in the morning I was in a bathtub full of ice, and my teeth was gone. Seriously.
Pirates are known to loot:
- Land Yachts (such as Buicks)
- Children's toys
- Extravagant hats
- Random bits of coral
- Comfy beds
- Anything not bolted down
- Bolt removing equipment...
"A pirate must pillage Mecca at least once in his lifetime."
This pillar was conceived after Blackbeard, beardiest of all pirates, dropped his giant beard at Mecca where it was quickly surrounded by five hundred million Muslims, who now worship the beard as a space rock. Some ancient scriptures say Blackbeard's beard was sliced off by a vengeful Allah, this cannot be true however, because Blackbeard has never been defeated in mortal combat.
The beard is an artifact of such unimaginable power, that it is the duty of every pirate to try to recover it at least once in their lifetime. In modern times this is only done symbolically. Pirates lay anchor at a port near Mecca, travel about a mile inland and kill one or two herds of Muslim. Then they get drunk.
Any pirate who successfully retrieves Blackbeard's beard will almost definitely receive a Nobel Prize for Rape and Pillage. This is of course assuming he is a prolific rapist. HA! What am I saying? All pirates are prolific rapists.
"Each and every pirate must practice piratism on a boat, raft, dock, island or anything surrounded by water."
All pirates fear the great squid-god of the deep, Cthulhu. When a man is able to conqueror his fears of the deep dark ocean, he may be deemed a pirate. While pirates often operate on seafaring vessels, they are not required to swim as this may conflict with the pillar of Fancy. This is because many pirate clothes are dry-clean only.
Never ever forget this: Pirates are so god damn sexy, it hurts.
This pillar of piratism dictates how much effort a pirate must put into his appearance. That amount is of course, none. A pirate is naturally Fancy. They can often be seen setting the fashion of the day, or scowling at the ill-informed wearers of tube-socks. A pirate can always be found wearing a fancy hat. The better the pirate, the bigger the hat. A lowly deck-swabber may wear a bandanna, a pirate captain may wear a large hat. A pirate admiral may wear a deck-swabber as a hat.
How to dress like a Pirate
A pirate has many items of clothing that he may choose to wear, including:
- An eye-patch
- A wooden leg, or two
- A frilly shirt
- horizontal stripes (or vertical stripes,for trousers), preferably in red and white
- A swash with appropriate buckle
Remember a pirate is fancy, never dandy. Dandy pirates have to walk the plank and yes, it is a euphemism and no, you wouldn't enjoy it unless you're a pirate thats good with colours.
Avast! is the official interjection of the pirates. It functions as a battlecry, alerting your enemy to the fact that you have just taken his ship a prize, or has a simple friendly greeting (ex. Avast ye Matey!)
There are many pirate sects that wish to amend the Five Pillars to suit their own ends.
Not being Gay
The Council of Pirates who Regret Experimenting in Their Youth voted in favour of adding the new pillar, 'Not being gay', to their charter. Many pirates disagree with this and the Council has suffered many losses from its ranks. Some pirate experts contend that being gay is an acceptable or even necessary condition of Fancy. The rule currently stands that a pirate can be as flaming as he wants, as long as well he is flaming he can scare the hell out of civilians. Maintaining this balance forces many gay pirates to become exceptionally dangerous.
The most contentious sect of pirates, the Ninja Pirates, have always had a sixth pillar: The pillar of stealthiness. Stealthiness is despised and feared by regular Pirates. The only time a pirate is stealthy is when Cthulhu is looking for him, because Cthulhu is hard as nails. Sometimes Cthulhu looks for pirates when he needs a q-tip. He's that goddamn big.
The National Union of Parrots have threatened strike action against all pirates, unless a new pillar is added called 'Parrot' making it mandatory for at least 20% of pirates aboard a ship to have a parrot. This will never happen, because a pirate can kill, rape, and feast upon a parrot without even waking up.
In the great pirate-ninja wars of 127 CE, the previously united race of pirates diverged into several sects, sub-races and clans. One of these sects was the fish-pirates of azkaban, who only allowed pirates with gills into their sect. These pirates would have been a highly successful breed, as their mastery of water breathing was bested by no pirate. Had they been successful in their conquest, gills would have been a pillar of piratism. Unfortunately, these pirates were easily tricked into impaling themselves on a small hook with bait attached, and all of their number were eventually fished and clubbed by other pirates.