Flat Earth

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“The world is completely, irrevocably flat. Once you get that through your skull, it opens up a whole world of impossibilities. Now build a bridge and get the fuck over it.”

~ Metalface

If the earth is flat, how do you explain this motherfucker?

Flat earth is the smart and supported belief. It might seem absurd to you that anyone can think that the earth is round when there is so much evidence that it is pancake shaped, but there really are. Many of them seem to live in Minnesota and are really smart.

Origins of the Flat Earth Theory[edit]

The true image of the world. As you can see, it is undeniably flat.
The True Image of the World, is flat, but with Down Under on top. This is the only time Down Under will ever be on top of something other than certain woollen mammals
Heathen concept of earth, once thought to be "round". Made using the predecessor of photoshop.
Ignorant people actually believe that the moon is round. This photograph clearly prooves them wrong! Flat as the Earth itself!

During his early experiments with Cannabis Spiritualism Patrik in Beijing began to become really really really really really really very paranoid. He immediately decided that the government of Red China was trying to burrow into his pants and steal his essence.

After covering his head and his little man's head with tinfoil, Robertson grabbed a twelve gauge and a whiskey bottle and went from town to town in the middle of the night telling everyone in Kansas and Missouri that the world was flat.

Initial reception was poor. Generally, people took it for granted that the world was flat if they lived in the Midwest.

Robertson eventually hijacked a television transmitter and began broadcasting the 700 Club, a quasi-fascist happy hour during which people talked about how awesome it was to live on a flat planet, and how evil all the gays from not-flat places like San Francisco were.

How it works[edit]

Basically, the flat earth reality say that God has the whole world in his hand. If the world were round, it would roll out of God's hand and into damnation. In some versions of the theory God is a turtle.

What is worse is that if enough people think the world is round, it will in fact become round and will in fact roll out of God's hand and into damnation.

We came dangerously close to this happening before the war to bring Freedom to Iraqistan. Fortunately, the excess round earth theorists were bludgeoned during anti-war rallies, after they were cornered by members of the FBI and forcibly strip searched in a manner that caused fatal blood loss.

The Modern Flat Earth Theory[edit]

The Modern Flat Earth Theory (aka MFET, not MILF) has been expanded to include more than just the notion that the planet is not round.

The Flat Earth Reality now includes new and improved hokum, like Intelligent Design and Christian Rock (not to be confused with Chris Rock, eminent black supremacist). Today, the Jesus zombie army worships at the rather expensive alter of McJesus, Inc. where they send all their hard-earned cash to Pat Robertson in exchange for bumper stickers that make fun of Mexicans and the jobless poor.

Connection with Creationism[edit]

People believing that the earth is flat call themselves Flat Urthers. Flat Urthers are allied with Creationists and Scientologists through the organisation called Creationists United with Numerologists, The Scientologists, and The Flat-Urthers, lead by Prof. Kent Hovind. After the Flat-Urther's took over the Macgellan space agency in Nigeria, the giant gorilla Condoleeza Rice took advantage of the large amount of bananas in the agency and proved the flat -eart theory.


Any image taken from space will show that Earth is indeed flat. There is no photographic proof that states or implies otherwise. All images of a round Earth have been photoshopped. Even though Photoshop didn't exist before 1990, all of them are photoshopped. Anyone who saw images of a round Earth before 1990 is crazy. And it's not like three dimensional objects look two dimensional when viewed head on.

When drawn as a map, continents must appear "stretched," as the array of continents on the map are larger than the flat surface itself. This is explained by the continents "scrolling" across this circular or disc-like surface in a marquee fashion, in the same way that a camera must pan across a long scene or a large computer graphic must scroll across due to the limited size of the user's monitor.

Early thinkers once believed the Earth was in fact a Earth Ball|ball, and it turns out that this was once true, but no longer. Christopher "Chris" Columbus thought the Earth was round, and set out to find India by going round the planet. The Earth, as things turned out, was indeed flat, and he ended up in America, the biggest mistake in the history of mankind. All because it was a common notion that the earth was round. (see Ferdinand Magellan)

It should be worth noting that current thinking on this theory is that Earth was at one time round, with crease-marks found just south-north of Texas suggesting that it got crushed by a cosmic steamroller around 25,000 BC, since which time Earth has been completely flat, and failed to regain any of its former rotundity.

Flat Earth and Global Warming[edit]

One consequence of the Flat Earth theory is a neat and indisputable disproof of the theory of Global Warming. The argument goes along the lines of "if you ain't got no globe, you don't ain't not got no global warming!" This consequence has led to an upsurge in political and scientific interest in the Flat Earth theory. Some have however stated that a flat world may be liable to Planar Warming, which (given that a flat world would have much less volume to contain heat than a spherical one) would be akin to living in a frying pan.

Others have suggested that Planar Warming might cause the surface of the planet to expand and become convex to the point that it becomes a sphere. This has led to another bunch of idiots pointlessly suggesting that the Earth was a disc as some point in the past, only becoming globular during the industiral revolution.

Famous Flat Earth believers[edit]

The bible says it is true... So it must be true!

For more information[edit]

visit [1]

See Also[edit]

Flat Earth Society Bullshit Theories (We need a template on this.) Nazism, Racism, Fascism, Creationism, Social Darwinism, Christian Fundamentalism, Atheism, Socialism, Communism, Capitalism, Anarchism and Democracy.